Boundaries Part Three

Introduction

Boundaries are about respect – respecting self and respecting others.  Living with boundaries means living in our relationships the way God lives in relationship with us.  God respects Himself and respects others.  

• God respects Himself by limiting what He allows in His yard.  He guards His house and won’t allow evil to go on there. 
  
• He respects others by communicating to us what He thinks, feels, plans, allows, will not allow, likes and dislikes.  He doesn’t hide his boundaries from us; they are clear in His Word. 
• He also doesn’t force anyone to accept His boundaries.  God gives us freedom to choose to follow Him, or not.  He doesn’t pressure us into following Him.  God doesn’t want people to be robots, loving Him because they are forced to love Him.  So, He gives us freedom to choose.  It is only in the context of this freedom where true love and deep intimacy can flourish.  The opposite of freedom is control – God does not control us.  He sets guidelines and consequences and lets us choose to obey them or not. 
• Gal. 5:1 (NIV)  It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
• God also respects Himself by carrying His personal load and He respects others by expecting them to carry their own personal loads.  It is God’s responsibility to discipline us, to grow us through the Holy Spirit, to produce the fruits of the spirit in our lives, etc.  It is our responsibility to strive to obey God and to take steps that will grow our relationship with Him such as prayer and Bible reading.  It is also our responsibility to flee from sin. 
• Phil. 2:12 (NIV) Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling
• God also respects others by helping people with their heavy burden.  All of humanity had a heavy burden that they could not get rid of.  The burden is sin and results in death.  But Jesus, out of His great sacrificial love, came and died on the cross to free us from that burden.  What a loving and gracious God.  We couldn’t do a think about our sin, so He did. 
• Romans 5:8 (NIV) But God demonstrated His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. 

Living as boundaried people means living according to the principles established by God.  It’s living in God’s image.

Common Boundaries

1. Words

Being clear with our words is Biblical.

James 5:12b (AMP) Let your Yes be simply Yes, and your No be simply No.

Proverbs 12:14 (AMP) From the fruit of his words a man shall be satisfied with good.

Proverbs 18:20 (AMP) …and with the consequences of his words he [a human] must be satisfied

It is our responsibility to communicate clearly to others what we are willing to do, or not willing to do.  What we are willing to accept, or not willing to accept.  The first step in being a boundaried person is being clear with our words. Many relationship issues could be bypassed if we would only be clearer with our words and communicate these things properly.

EXAMPLES:

• "You may not continue to yell at me.  If you do, I will leave the room”.
• "I have a policy of not making snap decisions.  I need time to think and reflect/pray about what you would like me to do and whether or not I can do it.  If you need an immediate answer it will have to be no.”  
• "It's not OK with me for you to speak about me (or my husband, or my friends, or my kids) in that way.  If you don’t stop I won’t be able to continue this conversation.”   
• "Although this is an important issue to me, I must decline your request for help at this time.  My family has needs to and they need to come first."
• "I won’t be lending you money anymore.  I care about you and you need to start taking responsibility for yourself.”

Some people struggle with saying a firm, kind “no”. The Bible says that it is OK to say “no”, especially if we are being pressured into sinful behaviour.  The Bible also warns us about giving in to people “reluctantly or under compulsion”.

2 Cor. 9:7 (NIV) Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.

What does it meant to give under compulsion?  It means that you are doing something because you are being forced to do it.  You feel obligated, or coerced, pressured or intimidated into doing something that you don’t really want to do. 

KEY SIGN that you are giving under compulsion: If you don’t feel like you can say NO then you can’t really say a wholehearted YES. 

2. Distance

A common mistake that we make in parenting is telling our kids that they have to be friends with everyone at school.  Our  children should not feel obligated to be friends with people who tease them, or, shove them, or tackle them too hard at recess, or makes face at them.  They should know that they do not have to be friends with anybody who is inconsiderate towards them.  It is true that we have to be kind to everyone but that doesn't mean that we have to hang out with people who hurt us. 

Distance is an important boundary to teach our kids and to live out ourselves.    This makes a lot of sense when we are talking about helping our kids learn to protect themselves on the playground at school.  But, many of us have people in our lives that hurt us on a regular basis – yet we keep going back for more. 

• The friend that constantly criticizes our children, our husband or even ourselves. 
• The parent who constantly condemns our parenting.
• The sister who keeps telling us that it is time to lose weight and eat healthy.
• Or maybe it’s worse – maybe you are sworn at, and put down regularly by someone.

It is our responsibility to create a safe place for ourselves.

Proverbs 22:3 (AMP) The prudent man sees evil and hides himself.

The Bible urges separation from those who continue to hurt us in order to create a safe place for ourselves. This could include setting limits on:

• how often you go to family gatherings
• who are your friends on Facebook
• who has your cell phone number and can text you
• who you go out for coffee with or invite into your home for playdates
• removing yourself from an argument or heated situation
• taking time away from a friend to sort things out

Withdrawing physically is not about punishing the other person (that would be immature and unrighteous behaviour).  Sometimes we just need space to re-charge, and shore up our internal resources, to get a bit of a reprieve ourselves and heal emotionally.   The goal should always be to see the relationship restored – although that isn't always up to you. Restoration is a two way street – you must forgive, they must change their behaviour and repent. You can only control your half of the relationship. We need God's to help us respect ourselves enough to require that people treat us with respect.

NOTE: Separating from an abusive spouse is a big deal – before you make a decision like this, make sure that you have a good support system in place and are regularly seeking godly council from a pastor.

Healthier Friendships

We all have room to grow healthier in our relationships and be more Christ-like!  Here are a few things to consider when you are thinking about your relationships. 

1. Celebrate your differences

You do not have to agree on everything with your friends.  For example, hobbies like scrap-booking or camping.  Or, life choices like homeschooling, public school or private school.  How about bottle feeding or breastfeeding.  Each of us need to be the unique person that God created us to be, which includes having our own likes and dislikes.  Respecting each other’s differences is an important part of relationships.  Too many people equate sameness with good relationship.  You don’t have to be the same to have a good friendship or marriage.  In fact, too much sameness can actually be unhealthy. 

2. Freedom

In relationships, freedom breeds love.  We know that this is how the way the Lord treats us.  We are free to choose to love Him or not love Him.  God does not force us to do anything.  He wants us to choose Him out of love, not because we are forced.  Freedom is a component in all healthy relationships because it breeds love. 

3. Bring your strengths together

When I can value you for being you and not be intimidated by the areas where you are better than me, and when you can value me as well, then we can truly come together and be stronger as a team.  This is how God designed the church – with unity and diversity in the body (1 Cor. 12:12-26).  When you use your unique gifts in the body of Christ and I use my gifts in the body of Christ, we are living the way God designed it.  The same is true in friendships and marriage.  We all have strengths to contribute and we bring them into our relationships.  We need to be unique and different, yet  even in those differences, we all reflect Christ's image, because He is so vast and great! 

When we strive for sameness instead of celebrating differences and individuality in friendships, we can hinder our relationships.  The same is true in families.  When a family says that they all like the same things and they are really close and they are each other’s best friends - that should be a red flag in the area of boundaries.  That much closeness and sameness seems more like enmeshment.  When people stop becoming an individual with their separate thoughts, feelings, beliefs, opinions, hobbies and so on, enmeshment occurs.  Family closeness can actually become an idol.  Marriage and family is not about cloning yourself.  This is not love.

An enmeshed family allows individual members little autonomy or personal boundaries.  In these families, individuals grow up not knowing how they really feel or what they want to do in their lives because they are encouraged to feel whatever the rest of the family feels.  This is often initiated by a parent.  In these families, kids are strongly discourage (either spoken or unspoken) from developing their own feelings or preferences.  As a result, the fruit is often depression, anxiety, eating disorders (including overeating), and addictions (sex, drugs, alcohol), etc..  

Nurturing families and enmeshed families often look the same on the surface but there is actually a big difference.Nurturing families empower children to have a strong sense of individuality (personal preferences, likes and dislikes, hobbies, feelings, opinions, etc.).  Kids are drawn into the family circle without losing a sense of self. In enmeshed families, children are loved, but are drawn into the family circle at the expense of self.   Enmeshment is a form of idolatry.  Parents who need to be needed or love to be loved corral their kids emotionally.  Some families, that seem to be strongest to us because they are so close or always together, are actually the sickest. 

Personal Reflection and Prayer Questions

1. Living as boundaried people means that we retain our own individuality and communicate that in our relationships.  Ask the Lord to show you a relationship you are in where there has been a loss of individuality.  Are you being controlled?  Do you control others?  Are you able to clearly communicate what you are willing to do or not do, or, willing to accept or not accept in your relationships?  Do you accept this individuality in others?  Dialogue with Jesus about these things, what does He want to say to you about these things.
2. Words and distance are two types of boundaries.  Ask the Lord to show you an area where you can continue growing in being clearer with your words.  Then, ask the Lord to show you a relationship that would benefit from you creating a bit more distance for yourself.   Ask Jesus to give you specific ideas on how to grow in both these areas.  Thank Him for what He shows you. 
3. A healthy and nurturing family empowers children to have a strong sense of individuality (personal preferences, likes and dislikes, hobbies, feelings, opinions, etc.).  How are you nurturing this in your home in an age appropriate way? (Note – there should be more individuality in teens than in preschoolers).  Ask the Lord to give you 2-3 strategies for your family. 

Recommended Reading:

Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

Boundaries with Kids by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

 

Boundaries with Teens by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

Boundaries Part Two

Introduction

Last week when we talked about boundaries, we looked at responsibility. Boundaries help me know what I am to take responsibility for and what I am not responsible for.  We learned how God is responsible – He tells us what He thinks, feels, likes/dislikes, allows and will not allow.  He also limits what He allows in His yard – He confronts sin and allows consequences for behaviour.  Living with boundaries means we act in our relationships the way God acts in our relationship with Him.  It’s about living in God’s image.

Living with boundaries means that we allow people to have their own opinions about things, they can be their own person.  It also means that we don’t disguise our likes and dislikes or live like a chameleon.  Boundaried people don’t get agitated when people disagree with them, they don’t feel like they have to persuade others to change, they don’t need to rationalize their choices and they do not judge others.  Instead, they give people freedom to make decisions for themselves.

Overall, boundaries are about respect.  It’s about respecting yourself and respecting others!  

Four Common Boundary Problems

Many people believe that boundaries are just the ability to say “no”.  I hope that you are already seeing how boundaries are much more than that.  But because of this misconception, many people don’t recognize other common boundary problems in relationships.  In this next section we will look at four personality types and the boundaries issues that each is prone to. As we go through each, ask yourself what your tendencies are in each of these areas. NOTE – most people are a combination of the four types and you can be one type of person in some circumstances and another in other circumstances.

1. Compliants

Have you ever done something you didn't really want to do simply because someone else asked you to? 

Like buying something after being persuaded by a pushy salesperson or because your friend told you that it looked really good, but deep inside you didn't really like it?  Compliance is the disposition to yield to others; it’s when people feel they have to do whatever they are asked. A common form of compliance is feeling like you can’t say no, or disagree with someone. 

Compliant people can also find it hard to stand up for themselves. A few weeks ago, Mark took me out for lunch and I ordered my meal, including a side dish.  When the meal came, the waitress had forgotten the side dish.  My initial thought was to not bother mentioning it to the waitress because she was busy and I’m sure the kitchen was also quite busy.  But, I had clearly ordered it, and it would be on my bill.  I should really ask for it.  So I did.  Compliant people would struggle with mentioning to the waitress that their side order was missing and would probably go home feeling some resentment over the missing side dish that they willingly paid for. 

Another aspect of being compliant is going along with the group or changing your behaviour to fit in with the group, even though sometimes you disagree with the group. This makes you really vulnerable to peer pressure. For example, the child, whom you thought was really well behaved, gets in trouble at school for something – could be for swearing, for lying, for stealing, for coarse/dirty language, etc.  They know it’s wrong and but they did it anyway to fit in with the group.  Adolescents who are compliants can get themselves into all sorts of trouble even though their parents think they are really good kids.  I can hear the parents saying, “I know my son, he would never do that.”  But the fact is that he did.  Schools don’t make this stuff up.   Often in these situations the parents will defend their guilty child because they have been deceived into believing their child is well behaved when actually he is compliant and has not been able to stand separate from his peers.  Their son is well-behaved at home because they comply to their parents expectations, but at school an entirely different character emerges, one that is compliant to his peers.  Change the group the child is hanging out with and the child’s behaviour changes. 

This is why it’s so important that we learn to have victory in this area of our lives.  It doesn't matter how many times you tell your kids to NOT go along with peer pressure.  When they observe you caving into the demands of others that teaches them way more then what you say.  Actions speak louder than words. 

One of the biggest roots of compliant's is FEAR. 

• Fear of hurting the other person’s feelings
• Fear of abandonment and separateness
• A wish to be totally dependent on another
• Fear of someone’s anger
• Fear of punishment
• Fear of being shamed
• Fear of being seen as bad or selfish
• Fear of being unspiritual
• Fear of one’s over-strict, critical conscience (guilt)

If boundaries are about respect (respecting self/respecting others).  What is wrong here? Compliants struggle with respecting self. 

Tips for Compliants

It is important for compliants to learn how to say “no” and how to be a separate person. Start small, by finding something small to say no to and say it firmly, politely but mean it.  The world will not collapse and people take offense much more rarely then you may think.  Then, learn to ask for what you want.  If everyone is going to the movies and want to see a particular movie, but you would prefer to watch something else, speak up.  It doesn’t mean that you get to see the movie you want to see, but learning to voice your opinion is a great starting point.  It’s not about making demands; it’s about learning to voice your preferences.  That’s a big step forward. 

Guard against becoming selfish; remember that in relationships there is always give and take. Sometimes it is appropriate to put other people’s needs ahead of your own.  But, it’s also important to be able to express your needs, wants and desires so that the choice to put them ahead is truly out of love and not out of compliance. 

Finally, examine your fears.  As a child, were your feelings pushed aside, not considered or even belittled?Were you always expected to anticipate and mold yourself to everyone’s needs?  Did you learn that the only way to receive positive attention was to do what others wanted?  Sometimes booking a couple personal ministry appointments or going to another Encounter retreat is the best way to do this.  God can bring healing to the very source of your compliance!  AMAZING! Learn to base your self-worth, not on what others think of you, but on what God things of you!  And He thinks you are GREAT! Be persistent, asking the Lord to continually reveal areas where you have the tendency to be a compliant. 

 2. Avoidants

Karrie has been in a cell group at church for about 3 years.  She has a pretty good life, it has the normal ups and downs, but overall things are OK.  She enjoys the social aspect of cell group and she loves praying for and helping others.  She feels so wonderful inside when others tell her the troubles in their lives and she can love and support them.  But, when the time comes for her to share a prayer request or mention an area in her life that needs work, Karrie says, “I’m good, everything is good.”  She has lots of friends and everyone seems to like her but no one really knows her deep inside.  Karrie can talk about everything except what is really going on inside of her.  This is one form of being an Avoidant.  It’s building up walls and not letting anyone in to your heart. 

But there are other forms.  Requesting assistance from friends or colleagues is something that many people have trouble doing. Some, on the other hand, are way too comfortable leaning on others – they need to learn to carry their own loads! While others just can’t seem to ask for help when they genuinely need it.  “I’m good”, they say, “I can handle it.”  While in reality they are in crisis.  Asking help in a time of need is really hard for a lot of people. People who are Avoidants are unable to accept the love and care that others want to give them.  This could be with practical tasks or emotional needs. When they are in need, they withdraw so as not to let others see their needs. They have set up walls instead of boundaries. 

Christians often over-spiritualize this behaviour by saying to themselves and others that “my issues are nothing compared to what others deal with. It would be selfish to bother others with my little struggles.  The Lord expects me to deal with them myself, etc.”  But everyone needs relationships and we all need the love and help of others, even if we appear strong on the outside. People that struggle with this boundary often completely ignore their own emotional needs because they want to maintain a self-image of being strong and independent (common in men).  They fear requesting assistance, often because they do not want to appear weak, needy or incompetent.  Does this ring a bell?! Or, they fear that if they ask for help, they surrender control.

People who grew up in stressed environments where they were told (by words or behaviour) that they were not to “bother” their parents learn to be Avoidants. Yet God created us to be interdependent; we need relationships with others.  It is our responsibility to ensure that we open ourselves up to God and others to get our needs met. If boundaries are about respect (respecting self/respecting others).  What is wrong here?

Avoidants struggle with respecting self. 

Tips for Avoidants

Tell yourself that you need help and that you need relationships.

Swallow your pride – take it to Jesus to receive healing from any roots of pride in your life.

Make a commitment to begin sharing the deeper things of your life with trusted friends or family members.

Make a commitment to ask for help the next time you have  task that you can’t complete. 

  

3. Controllers

Some people don’t have a problem with saying no; their boundary issue is accepting it when other people say no to them or disagree with them.  Controllers have problems respecting others. 

A controller attempts to get others to change, neglecting their responsibility to accept others as they are. 

Controlling people often feel threatened by others and so they tend to point out people’s flaws.  They tear down instead of building others up.  If you have a friend that always makes you feel miserable about yourself, odds are she is a controller.  These people often ignore, minimize or dominate your own experience or expressions of your own feelings.  Controllers attempt to define your reality. If you say you're tired, the controller says you’re not. Controllers often expect you to change your plans for them. 

Let's say you have your day all planned out, and then you receive a phone call from a friend, and you tell them your plans. The person wants to join in with your plans, with the exception that your time doesn't work well for them, or maybe that isn't the place they want to go. The next thing that you know, your plans have totally changed. You end up seeing a movie that you didn't care to see, at a time that you didn't really care to go.

Unlike a highly opinionated person, a controlling person lacks the ability to tolerate or accept differences between the two of you. A controlling person seeks to change some part of your core traits or personality, reshaping you as part of their feeble attempt to control the world around them. Most people who are controlling throw in the argument the words, "you are the problem", or "you have a problem." Nothing is ever their fault.

Controlling people often have difficulty dealing with problems objectively and will manipulate the conversation to blame others when their own mistakes are pointed out. They frequently demean or criticize others as a means of building themselves up and appearing superior and in control. Controlling people often do not have close friends, and rarely are friends with others who are more attractive, intelligent, or well-liked than themselves. They tend to be jealous of popular, successful people, and will criticize those held in high-regard by others.

Two Types of Controllers:

a. Aggressive-Controllers

These people clearly do not listen to other people’s boundaries, they simply ignore them and run over them like a tank. They may use anger, threats, physical or verbally abusive behaviours to get their way. Most of the time they aren’t even aware of others people’s boundaries. They try to make the world fit into their ideas as theirs is the only correct way to live. They neglect to accept other people as they are.

b. Manipulative-Controllers

Manipulative Controllers may recognize the boundaries of others but try to persuade them to give up their boundaries. They are not always obvious because they play a silent game of building up obligations towards them that end with you feeling guilty, pressured, and obliged. They may complain constantly about all the things they do for you and wonder rhetorically when you're going to return this favor. They use guilt, assumptions, self-pity. 

EXAMPLES:

• "I wish you'd understand how hard it is for me, after all I've done for you, to have you not want to stay longer with me each Christmas."
• "I suppose you're going to leave me alone again."
•  "If you've got more important things to do, then its best you don't waste time visiting me."
• "Everyone thinks you're not being kind to me when you refuse to do that for me."
• “You are the only one I have to talk to.”
• "If you loved me, you'd take me on that business trip."
• “You think your work is more important than me.”
• "Please don't do that, it' hurts mommy's feelings when you disobey."

The woman who cries whenever her husband refuses to comply with her demands and so makes sure that she gets her way is manipulating.  Yet feels she has done nothing wrong.

If boundaries are about respect (respecting self/respecting others).  What is wrong here?  Controllers struggle with respecting others. 

4. Nonresponsive

Some people walk through the world seemingly indifferent about the needs of the people around them. They think that life is tough and that everyone needs to handle it by him or herself.  In relationships this lack of sensitivity makes them appear cold.  They have a hard time hearing, seeing and accepting the needs of others.   And if others express their neediness to them, they shrug it off as if this need were only a tiny nuisance with which they shouldn’t be bothered. They rightfully don’t help others carry their daily loads but go too far in not helping others carry their heavy burdens either.

Proverbs 3:27 (ESV) Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it. 

Phil. 2:4 (NASB) Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. 

If boundaries are about respect (respecting self/respecting others).  What is wrong here? Nonresponsive’s struggle with respecting others. 

 Summary of Boundary Problems

	Can't Say	Can't Hear
No	THE COMPLIANT Fail to set limits and will often feel guilty.  Easily controlled by others.  Struggles respecting self.	THE CONTROLLER  Violate the boundaries of others either aggressively or through manipulation. Struggles respecting others.
Yes	THE NONRESPONSIVE Don’t hear the needs of others and neglect their responsibility to give care and help. Struggles respecting others.	THE AVOIDANT Fail to open their gate for the love and care of others. Struggles respecting self.

 Personal Reflection/Prayer Questions

1.  What was 1 thing that impacted you from today’s session?
2.  Of the four types of boundaries problems (Compliant, Avoidant, Controller, Nonresponsive), which one do you tend be the most like?  Ask Jesus what He wants to say to you about this.
3.  Ask the Lord for a word of encouragement or for a promise about boundaries in your life. 

Recommended Reading:

Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend