Ephesians 4:29 (NIV) Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
Possible ideas:
- Name calling, put downs, & trading insult for insult
- Sarcasm, ridicule, mockery
- Blaming, exaggerated attacks – “you always”, or “you never.”
- Griping, Complaining
- Angry Words, including threats and revenge
- Destructive Criticism
- Arguments
- Deception, Lies, and Manipulative Speech
- Gossip and Slander
- Profanity
- Filthy talk and coarse jokes
Introduction
A catering manager was
helping a young mother plan her child’s baby dedication party and says to the
mother, “It looks like you’ve lost most of the baby weight.” The mother replies, “Thanks, we adopted.”
Oops. Insert foot in mouth!!! Have you ever had to do that??? I know I have. So embarrassing!
Our Cell Theme for the fall is going to be based
on the tongue and relationships.
James 3:2-10 2 We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what
they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check. 3 When
we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the
whole animal. 4 Or take ships as an example. Although they
are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small
rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. 5 Likewise, the
tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider
what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6 The
tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It
corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and
is itself set on fire by hell. 7 All kinds of animals, birds,
reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by
mankind, 8 but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a
restless evil, full of deadly poison.9 With the tongue we
praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been
made in God’s likeness. 10 Out of the same mouth come
praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.
Ephesians 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome
talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building
others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
We are commanded to build
others up according to their needs. But if we were to look at
most of our conversations and what comes out of our mouths, I think we could
agree that often our talk is more focused on our own needs. Deep inside, the two
biggest areas where I believe most Christians struggle are selfishness
and pride, and since “the mouth speaks what the heart is full
of” (Luke 6:45) our conversations are a tell-all to those wise enough to
see it.
This takes God’s teaching
on the tongue and the power of speech to a whole new level.
Ways We Hurt Others with Our Tongues
Conversation Bombing
I’m sure you have all
heard of photo bombing – to spoil a photograph by unexpectedly appearing in the
camera’s field of view as the picture is taken. Well, often we do this
unintentionally in our relationships. We don’t mean to hurt
anybody, in fact, we may actually think that we have had an amazing
conversation and have really connected with the other person. But in fact, we
conversation bombed. Here’s what it looks
like:
A lady is talking about her upcoming birthday party for her child. So, they share a bit about what
they are planning for the party, the theme, the cake, etc. Now this reminds you
of a similar party that you threw for your child a few years ago so you launch
into your story before the other person can finish hers. You are so busy with the exciting tales or
your life that there is little time to really hear or get to know the other
person and she is left silenced. The other person ends up
feeling unheard, insignificant and less reluctant to share anything with you the
next time. You have just used your
tongue to hurt. Not by calling names,
putting her down, or insulting her. But
by ignoring what she has to say and selfishly turning the conversation
to be all about yourself.
Advice Giving
Someone at your table is
sharing a struggle or problem – potty training, a child who doesn't sleep through the night, a chronic ailment (migraines, joint pain, etc.), a problem
at work, etc. This reminds you of
something you've heard or read about or experienced and you become the great
problem solver, ready with help with plenty of suggestions. You don’t hear more than
a few sentences of what the other person is saying before you begin searching
for the right advice and start to share your suggestions. And you feel really good about yourself
because you think you helped this person solve their problem. You genuinely may have cared and though you thought
you were helping, more than likely that’s not how it came across.
What you missed was the
feelings of the other person, you didn't acknowledge their pain, share in their
emotions, or identify with what they are going through. It’s true that you didn't mock, ridicule or tease the other person.
You didn't lie or use profanity.
So you think that the conversation was godly. But you hurt
someone. You left that person feeling
alone because you didn’t listen, you didn’t empathize, and you showed little to
no compassion or understanding of their actual need – the need to be heard and
to feel connected and supported in community. That person now feels
alone and rejected because you didn't listen or really seem to care.
Worse yet, you missed out
on connecting this person to Jesus through prayer and listening prayer and
finding out what He wants to say to her. Often Jesus wants to
offer encouragement, hope and maybe a few practical suggestions. But you bypassed that all
when you gave advice instead of leading them to Jesus.
RULE: Don’t give advice unless you are directly
asked for it. Even then, consider
encouraging the person to take it to Jesus in prayer, even listening
together. Where do we get off thinking
that we know better than the creator God who knows everything???
So, a RULE we have at
cell is that we don’t give advice. Just
don’t go there.
When you feel yourself
saying, “You should such-in-such”, or “What you need to do is such-in-such”,
stop yourself. Just stop!
Not Being Real with Others
This is when we portray
ourselves as always being good, everything is always OK, “I’m fine, everything
is good, etc.” This is just plain
dishonesty, although this person probably doesn't think she is lying with her
tongue. No one is fine all the
time. We all have struggles and
challenges in our lives. The “I’m good” person
can’t let others see her struggles, so she puts on a mask, which is dishonest. She hides behind a mask
so she doesn’t have to be her authentic self. The life she reveals to
others is distorted as only very selected parts get seen. This often happens when
we have fear of intimacy, often due to past hurts. “If they knew the real me, they wouldn’t like
me.” Or, because of deep
rooted pride, feeling like she can’t be vulnerable or show weakness. I really don’t think this
type of persons will get a lot out of cell because she won’t let people see her
imperfections, and often this includes not being real with God.
It also kills relationships
because it makes everyone else feel inadequate or less than for having a
problem, challenge or struggle. Example: Lady 1 at your table shares how she is having
some problems in her marriage, or with her children. Then lady 2 then shares how she’s good, her
marriage is good, her kids behave, and how she just doesn’t struggle in that
area. Then up goes the mask of Lady 1,
she was just made to feel stupid for having problem and won’t make that mistake
again. What you share and what
you avoid sharing has an impact on others.
If you are unwilling to share and have an “I’m good” attitude all the
time at cell, eventually those around you will also end up putting on masks to
hide their inadequacies. We can’t build
genuine relationships this way.
Comparing
This person asks all
sorts of questions and comes across as genuinely caring and friendly, but
internally is processing the answers, sizing you up, getting info from you
(often gossip), to determine how to find fault with you so she can come out on
top. This person uses her
tongue to chat with you and then compares and internally criticizes you so she
can come out looking better. And, if she
can’t come out on top, then she’ll turn the tables to become the bigger victim
who has suffered so much more than anyone else. This is a massive misuse
of the tongue. It’s deceptive, it’s
manipulative, it’s uncaring, it’s cunning, it’s prideful & selfish, and
it’s WRONG. It goes completely
against Eph. 4:29! This person is only
building herself up, not you! She may not actually be saying anything hurtful
to you, in fact, you may think she is a genuine friend. But in reality, her questions and interest in
your life is self-seeking. She compares
and finds fault with you because the fault she finds in your strokes her own
ego.
Being Opinionated
First, it is important to
say that it is not wrong to have an opinion about something. The question we have to
ask ourselves is do we have opinions or are we opinionated? Having an opinion about
something is fine, as long as we are respectful of those who have different
opinions. When we are not
respectful, we become opinionated and we push others away.
We must be careful to
always give others the freedom to have differing opinions, even if they are
wrong. I prefer to speak with
people who have opinions certainly much more than those who are wishy-washy and
can’t make up their minds about anything. However, I don’t enjoy
talking with opinionated people, especially when the opinion they are forcing
on me is different than my own. So, have opinions! Just don’t force them on other people!
So, what does it sound
like to be opinionated…and how does make those with differing opinions
feel?
Example: “I can’t believe that someone would
spend $300 on a such-in-such.” Now how would you feel if you were
the person that just saved your pennies for months to buy that item for $300? A better way to talk would be – “I
don’t value such-in-such enough to spend that kind of money on it, but I’m sure
others are willing or they wouldn’t sell it at that price.”
Example:
“Why would anyone want to homeschool their kids?” Vs. “Homeschooling is
not for me, but I really respect those moms who can do it.”
Example: “I would
never let my kids watch such-in-such movie”. Vs. “I find such-in-such movie too
scary for my children, but I trust other parents to know what’s best for their
kids”.
Example: “I would never feed my kids
such-in-such. Vs.
We really try to avoid eating unhealthy, but I understand how you need to
have a little treat every once in a while”.
When we make opinionated
statements, they build up over time and often end up coming across as
criticism. We have to be careful not
to make statements that don’t leave room for other people’s preferences.
Gossip
Prov. 20:19 (NIV) A gossip
betrays a confidence, so avoid anyone who talks too much.
Gossip colours people’s
perceptions of an individual by containing negative personal information about
another that puts them in a bad light. Spreading negative info
about another is wrong, even if the info is true. Please avoid asking
questions that promote gossip. Please avoid sharing
prayer requests that are actually gossip.
Example: “I’m telling you because I know you will
pray…” “I have a problem with so-in-so
because of such and such. Can you pray
for me? “I heard such and such… they need our
prayer…”
Sharing anything about
someone, when the act of sharing is not part of the solution to the problem, is
gossip. Compassion and concern is
no excuse for gossip.
Example, “I only mentioned it because
I was concerned.”
God’s solution for those who have
concerns for another is for them to go directly to the one they say they are
concerned about and talk to them.
PERIOD! If it’s none of your
business, don’t talk about it and don’t ask about it.
NOTE: There are times when you have
information about someone that needs to be brought to the attention of the
correct authorities (teacher, pastor, cell leader, prayer minister, police
officer, etc.). In those cases sharing is not gossip because it is giving info
to those who can help or deal with the issue.
This includes finding help and healing for yourself if you have been
hurt of abused.
Example:
Your friend some to you with an issue that she is having with another
person. This person has boundaries
challenges which have hurt your friend. Your
friend has been hurt and needs healing.
She is dealing with a painful challenge that stems back from a situation
where she felt rejection as a child. She
comes to you to confide in you, for support and encouragement. Is this gossip? Yes or No? Answer – it depends on your motive
for listening and her motive for sharing.
- Are you honestly wanting to help your friend find healing and freedom?
- Does the info that your friend shares with you make you feel better about yourself because you aren’t like that friend?
- Do you feel a sense of power because you know something about that person?
- If your friend telling you this info because she wants you to take action on something that she should really be taking action for? She wants you to step in and “fix things”.
- Has your friend prayed about it yet? Is her telling you a replacement for taking it to God in prayer?
- Is your friend who is sharing this info with you tearing down the other person? Is there judgment or grace?
- If you and your friend are authentically working through this challenge, then there should be evidence of her behaviour and attitudes being transformed, over time.
Gossip is a subtle
sin. You really have to ask Jesus to
show you the motive of your heart.
Prayer Questions:
Thanksgiving – Thank Jesus for the
patience and kindness that He shows to you as you continue to mature and grow
to be more like Him.
Listening Prayer – Ask Jesus
to show you how you can continue to grow to use your tongue to build others up
according to their needs (Eph. 4:29).
Listening Prayer – Ask Jesus
to reveal to you a personal, practical step from today’s teaching.
Listening Prayer – Ask Jesus
to bring to mind a personal prayer request that you can share with your group
and receive prayer for.
