Boundaries Part One

Introduction

Proverbs 14:30a A calm and undisturbed mind and heart are the life and health of the body.

STORY: Sherrie seemed to have a pretty good life.  She was in her mid-thirties and had two middle school aged children, a husband, a nice job and was living pretty comfortably.  Sherrie knew the importance of family time, date night, attending and volunteering at church and keeping the household running smoothly.  The problem was that Sherrie never seemed to have enough time in her day to get everything done.  Sherrie’s father had passed away about ten years prior so she also felt the importance of taking care of her aging and lonely mother.  She felt guilty that she couldn’t spend enough time with her mom.  She worked way too many hours at her job because her boss was disorganized and was continually giving her last minute assignments.  But it didn’t end there - she was phoned regularly by a friend who was in constant crisis; she overextended herself volunteering at church; and she was persistently picking up the slack in the marriage because of her husband’s emotional withdrawal.    But Sherrie thought that this was what it meant to be a good, self-sacrificing Christian.  Yet why was this causing burn out?  Why didn’t she have fruit in her life?  Why was she finding herself becoming resentful instead of loving more?  She was just trying to be loving and caring but was miserable! 

Sherrie is living a life of drudgery and guilt instead of freedom and love.  But she doesn’t know any other way.  So, she just continues to do what everyone else needs her to do. Sherrie is trying to be a good, godly woman.  Yet obviously something is not right.  Life is not working and she’s feeling it. Trying harder is not working for Sherri – she isn’t lazy; she is not an irresponsible person.  In fact, she’s actually the opposite – she takes responsibility for other people to the detriment of herself. 

Sherrie struggles with knowing what her responsibility is and what isn’t. In desiring to do the right thing, the loving thing, she ends up taking on problems that aren’t hers such as her mother’s chronic loneliness, her boss’s irresponsibility, her friend’s unending crisis’s, her church’s guilt ridden messages of self-sacrifice, and her husband’s immaturity.

Sherrie lacks boundaries and is confused about when it is Biblically appropriate to set limits. In this series, we are going to look more deeply at a Biblical view of boundaries - what they are, what they are not, what they protect, how to repair them and how to implement them. 

Discussion Questions:

1. Do you ever feel like life is out of control or that life is just not working for you?  Do you sometimes feel burned out? Explain.
2. What are some areas in your life where you can relate to Sherrie?  What other areas of your life can you add to Sherrie’s story?

God and Boundaries

The concept of boundaries comes from the very nature of God. God knows what He is responsible for and what He is not responsible for and He communicates this to us through His Word. God takes responsibility for His personality by telling us what He thinks, feels, plans, allows, will not allow, likes and dislikes.

EXAMPLE:  He tells us He is love, He tells us He is light, He tells us He is the bread of life, etc.

God’s boundaries are clear in His Word; He does not keep them a secret. 

EXAMPLE:  Ten Commandments, He says that it is wrong to steal therefore we are not to steal. 

God also limits what He allows in His yard – He confronts sin and allows consequences for behaviour.  He guards His house and will not allow evil to go on there. God doesn't force anyone to accept His boundaries, but does allow us to experience the consequences of not accepting them. Living with boundaries means living according to the principles established by God.It means that we act in our relationships the way God acts in our relationship with Him. Boundaries help us be the best that we can be – living in God’s image. 

Deuteronomy 29:9 Therefore, keep the words of this covenant and do them that you may deal wisely and prosper in all that you do. 

Discussion Question:

1. God takes responsibility for His personality by telling us what He thinks, feels, plans, allows, will not allow, likes and dislikes.  How do you do in this area?  Do you keep a lot of things about yourself hidden from people because of what they may think?  Are you willing to say what you like, even if those around you like something different?

Foggy Boundaries

Last year my son asked me if I liked Rap/Hip-Hop music.  I said NO!  And he walked away dejected.  I realized that something was up. So, I probed him more.  It turns out that he wanted to buy a Christian Rap/Hip-Hop album on iTunes and he figured that because I didn't like that kind of music I wouldn't let him buy it, so he never bothered to ask for it. 

Do you see the problem here?  It doesn't really matter whether I like Rap/Hip-Hop or not.  He can like Rap and I can NOT like Rap.  It’s OK for him to have his own likes and dislikes and he needs to be able to communicate those likes and dislikes, trusting that his opinions will be respected. As a parent, it’s my job to make sure my kids feel like they can have opinions about things, that they can be their own person. Someday his friends may want to pressure him into listening to music that is biblically not appropriate and he needs to be able to say no. 

On the other hand, my husband loves classical music and jazz.  He likes composers such as Mahler, Stravinsky, Tchaikovsky, Ricard Strauss and Bach on the jazz side he loves Duke Ellington, Count Basie,  Charles Mingus, Sonny Rollins, etc.   I had to ask him these names because I’m not really into classical music or Jazz.  I’m more of a Bryan Adams or Bon Jovi kind of girl.  That was in the past, now I’m more into Jesus Culture and Jon Thurlow as I have given up a lot of secular music to seek intimacy with Christ. 

The point is that Mark and I have VERY different tastes in music.  We have known that from the very beginning when we first started to date.  So, I went to the symphony with Mark and he went to concerts of artists that I liked. It’s OK to like different things.  We still have a great marriage.  It wouldn’t work for me to pretend to like classical music and it doesn’t work for him to pretend to like rock music.  We must respect each other’s likes and dislikes. And, because we love each other we often let the other person listen to what they like, out of love, with no resentment or bitterness building up.  

  

Our kids are now the age where they are exploring their own likes and dislikes and sometimes they like things that are different than what we like.  Hair, clothes, music, movies, etc. Do we let them explore their own tastes or do we force them to like what we like and to dislike what we dislike? We let them explore within healthy Christian boundaries. 

Some people can only hang around people that like exactly what they like – and then they wonder why they don’t have very many friends! Others become chameleons and disguise what they really like around certain people.  

GOD DOES NOT DISGUISE HIS LIKES AND DISLIKES AND HE IS NOT A CHAMELEON! He also doesn't apologize for the boundaries in His Word. 

CAVEAT: Here we are talking about personal preferences, not doctrinal truths; there is no room to budge on the truth BUT there are wise and unwise ways to take a stand for something.  I won’t let my kids explore movies/music/video games that go against the Word of God.  But they don’t have to listen to Jesus Culture or Jon Thurlow if they don’t like them.  They can gladly like Jamie Grace and Toby Mac.  We also have to be careful that we don’t villianize those who have different standards than we do.  That just isolates and divides, we are to love and we can do that without accepting other’s beliefs and preferences.  We are not to judge! 

Discussion Question:

1. How do you feel when you find out a friend doesn’t like something that you like?  Do you feel like you need to persuade your friend to change? Do you feel like you need to rationalize why you like what you like?  Do you get defensive?
2. Are you judgmental of other people when they have different likes then you or make different choices then you?  Or do you give people the freedom to decide for themselves?  Think: Schooling for your kids, how they spend their money, disciplining children, social drinking, movies they watch, etc.

What Are Boundaries?

In the physical world boundaries are easy to see – fences, signs, walls, moats, hedges, etc. They all send the same message about ownership and responsibility.  In the spiritual world boundaries are just as real but often harder to see. Boundaries help me know what I am to take responsibility for and what I am not responsible for. 

Let’s start with a brief survey

1. Am I responsible for mowing my neighbors lawn? No
2. Am I responsible to mow my own lawn?  Yes – or to decide as a family who will do this chore.
3. Am I responsible to take care of my body – including eating right and exercising?  Yes
4. Am I responsible for the nutritional needs of my children? Yes, but as they get older they need t to move to taking more responsibility for that.
5. Am I responsible for the three donuts my husband ate on the weekend? What about if he was a diabetic or was trying to lose weight? No, and I shouldn't nag him about it either, although I can respectfully tell him that I love him and that I would like him to be around for a long time and I’m concerned about his diet.
6. Am I responsible for how I spend my time, including being too busy? Yes
7. Am I responsible for entertaining my children when they tell me they are bored? No.  I should spend quality time with my kids but they should also realize that their boredom is on their yard and learn to entertain themselves.
8. Am I responsible for my feelings, if a friend said something that hurt me? Yes, I need to take those feelings to God and ask Him to show me the root of why I feel that way.
9. Am I responsible for my friend’s anger if she is mad at me for something?No, as long as I did not act sinfully. 

So, boundaries are about responsibility.  How do I determine what I’m responsible for?

What are we Responsible for? 

1. We are Responsible for our Personal Loads 

Everyone has responsibilities that only he or she can carry, this is his/her personal load.

Galatians 6:5 (NIV) For each one should carry their own load.

Our load is made up of our daily responsibilities that no one can do for us. The Greek word for load means “cargo” or “the burden of daily toil”. These are the everyday things we all need to do and are like knapsacks, which are possible to carry. We are expected by God to carry our own load.

Under normal circumstances these things would include: taking care of the kids, disciplining our kids, feeding our families/cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning our homes/chores, earning money to pay bills (some families delegate that to the husband), staying within a budget, growing in our walk with God, etc.

But we are also responsible for our own feelings, attitudes and behaviours.

• I’m responsible to deal with my bitterness, unforgiveness, loneliness, depression, anxiety, anger, etc.
• I’m responsible for any cynical or bad attitudes that I have
• I’m responsible for choices that I make including their consequences
• I’m responsible to set limits on others so they don’t hurt me
• I’m responsible to use my time and talents correctly
• I’m responsible for my thoughts
• I’m responsible for my desires

Discussion Questions:

1. What part of your personal load do you struggle the most with?  For example, household tasks, dealing with feelings/emotions, accepting consequences for choices, setting limits with people, using time wisely, your wants/desires, etc.  

2. We are responsible for other’s heavy burdens, as our resources allow. 

Galatians 6:2 Bear one another’s burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ.

Many times people have burdens that are too big for them to bear alone.  They do not have enough strength, resources, or knowledge to carry these burdens and they need help.  Helping others do what they cannot do for themselves shows the sacrificial love of Christ. The Greek word for burden means “excess burdens” or burdens that are so heavy that they weight us down.  These burdens are like boulders that can crush us; they are so big that a person doesn’t have the strength or resources to carry them by themselves.  We need help with carrying boulders.

Some examples of helping other with heavy burdens - a cancer diagnosis, a new baby, a job loss, a hospitalization, a death in the family, etc.

Some people stay in a perpetual place of constant crisis.  Often this is a result of their own irresponsibility which is a boundaries issue.  We’ll talk about that more in future sessions.   

Discussion Questions:

1. Are you the kinds of person that people run to when they are in trouble and desperately need help?  If so, are the boundaries blurred between personal loads and heavy burdens?  Do you struggle saying ‘no’ if you need to?
2. When you have heavy burdens, can you ask for help?

Boundaries issues arise when:

• We carry other people’s personal loads for them (over-help/rescue).
• We try to make other people carry our personal loads (acting irresponsibly).
• We try to help people with their heavy burdens, but we don’t have the resources to do so.
• We won’t allow people to help us to carry our heavy burdens.
• We agree to help people to carry their heavy burdens or personal loads and we don’t really want to (can’t say no).

KEY POINTS:

1. We are responsible for our own personal loads. 
2. We are responsible to help others with their heavy burdens ONLY when our resources allow us to do so.  This includes making sure our personal loads remain carried in the process. 

Prayer Time:

Ask the Lord to show you 1-2 things from today’s session that He wants you to focus on in prayer.

Share and pray for each other, listen in prayer if there is time.

Recommended Reading:

Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend