Give and Take

In just a few weeks I will be going on a long vacation with my family.  We will be driving and camping all the way down to Florida where we will take in the sites in the Orlando area.  I will be going with my husband, my two children, my brother and his wife, their two children as well as with my parents.  As I think about our trip, one of the things that comes to mind is that we are going to be ten people going away together for 23 days and we will all have different preferences, needs and desires.  How are we ever going to figure out how to manage all of this without someone getting hurt, being ignored or trampling on each other? 

Up until recently, I would have thought that I had two options.  1) Just tell everyone what I want and hope for the best, or, 2) Just keep my desires to myself, become a doormat, and let them have their way.  Isn't that the Christian way of self-sacrifice? NOPE!  It isn`t.  Too many Christians think that God wants them to be a doormat!  Not True. 

So, what am I to do?  I have very legitimate preferences and desires, which make me who I am.  I also have ideas of what I would like to do on this trip.  But so do they!  Thankfully, Jesus loves to speak to us about practical things like this.  He is showing me that it is appropriate to mention my preferences and desires, but I also should be open to hearing what they want to do.  He has been speaking to me a lot about give and take and what that all looks like in relationships.  It`s not like I didn't know any of this beforehand, He`s just bringing further clarity, which leads to greater love! 

I used to think of boundaries in terms of setting limits, saying no, or trying to stop something bad from happening.  I’m starting to realize that boundaries are also about taking responsibility for the good things that I want to happen.  I need to learn to communicate my preferences and desires in a way that is best for me and the people that I’m in relationships with. 

So, the first step is for me to be honest with myself about my preferences and what I really want and be aware that these things are my responsibility.  I must own the feelings that I have when these desires are not being met and I need to communicate in a caring way, in order to make my desires known.  First, I have to stop and repent of the many times that I either:

1. Never bothered to communicate my preferences or desires (i.e. doormat, etc.)
2. Communicated my preferences desires in ways that are uncaring and unloving towards others (i.e. manipulated, forced, controlled, etc.)
3. Blamed others instead of taking responsibility for not having my desires fulfilled (i.e. saying things like: You never __________, or, If you would just ____________, then I would feel ________). 

The next thing that I need to keep in mind when I communicate these preferences and desires to my family is that it is extremely important that I preserve their freedom while maintaining my own.  Freedom is

essential to a good relationship.  I must feel free and they must feel free, or our love will only be a cheap, artificial love.  This means that I need to be careful to communicate my preferences, needs and desires in such a way that doesn't make them feel obligated, or guilty about feeling differently than me.  Part of this is being careful not to get mad, or judge them for desiring something different than I do, or attach morality to their preference, or withdraw emotionally if they disagree, or feel hurt or annoyed, or try to make them feel guilty about wanting something that is different than what I want, or going along with what they want pretending that it’s OK when it’s actually not. 

When I do bring up my preferences and desires, it is important that I state things in such a way that they feel like they can express what they desire, establishing freedom.   

For example:

“I would really like to ________________, but I`m interested in what you would like to do.” 

“I was sort of thinking a good plan for the day would be ________________, but I would like to hear your thoughts on this”

I’m sure you are getting the idea!  When I make my preferences and desires known in a way that uses language that promotes freedom then the people in my life don’t feel controlled or like something is being demanded of them.  I give them the opportunity to be their own person, and to state their preferences.  This promotes love.  It takes a lot of self-awareness to see how much freedom I have to state my own preferences and then to give others the same freedom to express their own.    

Finally, it is important to note that in any good relationship there will be a balance of give and take.  Especially with a group of ten people, there should be negotiations so that everyone can have a chance to have their needs met.  This means that I may not be able to have all of my desires met – and that’s OK.   But if I am clear with what is most important to me, and I am open to hear what is important to everyone else, then we can give and take so everyone can end up having a good time.  This will promote love and ensure that we can come home after a long vacation and actually genuinely love each other.   

So, with Jesus reminding me and teaching me about this things, I hope to have a fabulous vacation with my family!  Wish me all the best!  

Book Resource: Boundaries Face to Face 

by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

Why "Should" Is a Dangerous Word

So far this summer, Jesus has been teaching me a lot about empathy and the connection between empathy and the language that I use when speaking with people.  He's been showing me how often I say, "You know what you should do" and He is showing me how often it comes across as parental and judgmental.

"You should have thought about this beforehand, because then this would have never happened.  You should plan better.  You should write it all down. Then we wouldn't be in messes like this."  When you hear those statements, how do they make you feel?  Guilty? Ashamed? Angry? Or do you think, "Wow! What helpful input!  I wish that person would follow me around and evaluate everything that I do." Jesus is showing me that when I make "should" statements people often feel the the former and not the latter! When I say, "should" what people hear is that they "must" do something.  They feel like they don't have a choice.  That's a self-boundary issue in my choice of language.

When I am talking to someone about their past and I say, "You should have," this doesn't leave the other person with many other options other than to see how they blew it.  Instead of feeling encouraged by my "wisdom" and "advice" the person feels awful, like they could have done better or like they are pond scum.  It reinforces feelings of failure and shame in the other person.  YUCK!

Ephesians 4:29 (ESV) Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

I'm learning how important it is to make sure my conversation is worded in such a way that people feel they can freely choose to do what I am suggesting and that they don't have to feel forced into it.  I feel like I need to be more careful to watch my use of "should" in situations where it could be taken the wrong way, especially when talking to a compliant or wounded person.  Good relationships preserve one's dignity, choice, freedom and equality as a person.  I have to ask myself, on a deeper level, whether my choice of words is reinforcing that.

Colossians 4:6 (ESV) Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt...

Example 1
Not so Good:  "You should have called me and told me you were going  to be late.  Now you have ruined the whole night for me.  I could have used the time to do something constructive instead of waiting for you."

Better: "It would have really helped me if you had called when you knew you were going to be late.  Please do that next time so I can make use of the time."

Example 2
Not so Good: "You should get up early, read the paper about new jobs and get ahead of the game.  You should also be making more calls.  You are sitting around so much that you are never going to get a job.  You should have been out there looking all this time, and you have just wasted your time.

Better: "Things would go better if you made some changes.  You would have more success, I think, by getting an early start and using the days to find the work that you agreed to seek.  It seems as if you are letting really valuable times slip by."

Example 3
Not so Good: "You shouldn't hang around with those kids.  You should be finding better friends, and you should not be out anyway.  You should be here doing your homework."

Better: "I don't think that group of friends is good for you.  Some of the things they are into I just don't want you doing and it is tough to avoid falling into things when you are around kids who are doing them.  Let's talk about what's going on, why you are there, and what you think about it all.  Also, I want you to do your homework first before going out, no matter who you are with.  So finish that, and then let's talk."

Example 4
Not so Good: "You shouldn't be drinking so much.  You should focus more on the family.  You like your beer better than us."

Better: "I am concerned about your drinking.  It is becoming a problem and we miss you.  When you drink, the kids and I lose you, and we don't want that."


Personal Reflection  and Prayer Questions:
1. How do you feel when someone says to you, "You know what you should do," or "You should have."  Do you feel like you have a free choice?  Why or why not.

2. Good relationships preserve one's dignity, choice, freedom and equality as a person.  Ask Jesus to show you how you are doing well in this area.  Then, ask Him to show you 1-2 ways that you can improve in this.

3. Spend some time in prayer asking Jesus to help you continue to grow in empathy.  Pray that Jesus would continue teaching you about how your choice of words effects how other people feel.  Pray that you would recognize the times when what you say may come across as parental or judgmental and continue growing in choosing language that will preserve other's dignity.




Book Resource: Boundaries Face to Face by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.