Am I Offended??? Self-Check

There are some ways by which you may know that you have offense in your heart towards someone.  Go through the following statements, circling any statements that are true for you.

1.       You do not want to talk to this person or have them hang around you so you keep your distance.

2.       Anger, hurt, bitterness or resentment rises up inside of you towards this person.

3.       You complain to others about this person and desire for others to agree with you about the hurt that they have caused.

4.       You blame this person for the hurt and pain that you have.

5.       You have a strong emotional response when you see this person unexpectantly.

6.       You struggle to sincerely pray for this person, bless them and see them prosper and grow.

7.       You struggle being happy for them when good things happen in their life.

8.       You wish that they would pay for what they have done to you.

9.       You sometimes find yourself dreaming of ways you can get even with them.

10.   You make up speeches in your head about what you should/could have said to them.

11.    You think, “I’ve forgiven them, but I don’t have to like them.”

12.   You bring up past hurts, which are still fresh in the mind, no matter how long ago they happened.

13.   You talk about this person behind their back, for example, “Don’t tell her I said this, but…”

14.   You tell the same story again and again.

15.   You struggle engaging in appropriate physical touch with this person.

16.   You desire to write them off, to eliminate them from your life.

17.   You find it easy not to care about what happens to them.

18.   You blame God, for example, “Why did God allow this to happen?”

19.   You generally don’t want spiritual guidance on what to do about the situation.

20.   Your “acts of love” towards this person are phoney, a play act, and in some cases a total fraud.

21.   You find yourself struggling with the hurt instead of experiencing peace from God.

22.   You find that your love for this person is growing cold or has gone cold (you have less and less love for them).

23.   You find that you are lacking the fruit of the spirit in your life – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

24.   You find that you want to give up, quit, leave spouse/family/church/job, etc.

Offense Prayer Sheet

Luke 23:34 (ESV) “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

Meditation: When Jesus was hanging on the cross, He did not wait for the people to ask for forgiveness, or even for them to recognize that what they were doing was wrong. He just forgave. True love forgets wrongs and forgives, with no strings attached, with no grudges and with no expectations of receiving love in return. That’s how God loves us!  His love for us isn’t dependent on what we do for Him, or how we treat Him, or whether we love Him back.  His love is perfect.  Write a prayer to Jesus thanking Him for His perfect love for you and for the many times that He has forgiven you. 

Reflection:  Who is a person in your life whom you currently hold offense against? 

Reflection: Are you ready to take responsibility for your feelings (hurt)? If so, tell God about this, writing a prayer that takes ownership of your feelings.  If not, ask Jesus to show you why you are unable to own your feelings. 

Reflection:  Forgiveness is a choice; it’s not a one-time decision but rather a process of choosing to forgive every day.  Are you ready to take the next step in the process of forgiving this person?  If so, write a prayer telling Jesus that you forgive this person and asking Him to cleanse you of your hurt feelings.  If not, ask Jesus to give you strength to forgive and to do a work of grace in your heart.   

 Reflection: Is there a step that you need to take in order to restore the relationship? For example, continuing to take responsibility for your feelings, an attitude change, continuing to walk through the process of forgiveness, opening your heart, experiencing God’s grace and forgiveness more deeply, etc.

Thanksgiving:  Thank Jesus for what He has shown you this morning.  Ask Him to give you a word, thought or picture of how He is working in your life to bring wholeness and to grow in you love. 

Note: If you feel stuck, please talk to your group leader about booking a personal ministry appointment and consider going to the next Set Free! Retreat.  

Listening

This week we are going to continue learning about communication.  Up to now we have been focusing on our words and how we communicate with another person.  Today we are going to switch our perspective and look at it from the other side, not the person that is talking but the person that is listening. 

Reflective Prayer

1. Ask God to bring you to a time when you knew God was listening to you.  Write down what was happening.  
2. How did you feel? 
3. Why is this memory meaningful?
4. Ask Jesus where are He is in this memory and what He wants to show you in this memory. 

Why Is Listening Important?

• Listening is vital to relationships.
• Really listening to someone shows we value them. 
• And feeling valued affects how you open up to another person and communicate with them. 
• If you are a good listener, people will feel comfortable around you and may even confide in you, deepening your relationships. 
• Causes the person you are communicating with to trust you,
• Listening is a commitment to understanding how other people feel and how they see their world.
• It means putting aside your prejudices and beliefs, your anxieties and self-interest, so that you can look at things from the other person’s perspective.  You can completely disagree with someone’s opinion and still listen to them 
• Listening is a compliment because it says, “I care about what’s happening to you; your life and your experiences are important to me.”

Proverbs 1:5 (NIV) Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance. 

Why do we listen?

• Real listening is based on the intention to do one of the following:
• Understand someone
• Enjoy someone
• Learn something
• Give help or comfort.
• When you have other intentions when communication with someone, this is called Pseudo, or selfish listening.

Brainstorm in groups of 3-4 some examples of pseudo listening (listening with the wrong motives or intentions).  Think about times when you felt like you weren't listened to – what was happening there?  What were they doing to make you think they weren't really listening and why were they doing it?  Think of times when you weren't really listening to someone that you were communicating with – what was happening there? Why might someone not be really listening but “looking” like they are listening (5 min)

Blocks to Listening

• Our sinful and selfish nature creeps into everything we do (our marriages, parenting, the words that we speak) and listening is not exempt from that. Let’s look at some things that can happen that cause us to have trouble listening to others.
• There are many blocks to listening, we will not be able to look at them all.
• As we go through these, you will probably recognize some of these in your life – and that’s ok!
•  Remember that the Holy Spirit is gentle and loving and it is good to become more aware of how you actually listen to others so that you can improve your listening.

1. Comparing

• Comparing makes it hard to listen because you are always trying to figure out who is smarter, more competent, more emotionally healthy, who’s godlier, who has a better marriage, better behaved kids, wealthier, etc. 
• E.g. Your friend is telling you about a success that their child has had.  Let’s take potty training for example.  They are telling you about this wonderful plan that God showed them on how to potty train their child, and their child is succeeding beyond their expectations.  Potty training seems very easy for your friend and her child  But while she’s telling you this, what you are actually thinking is; oh no, should I be potty training my child already, am I a horrible mother for not starting this yet, is my child going to be behind in life? Do I even hear God??
• Or it could be completely opposite situation – your friend is struggling with potty training and all you can think about is how easy it was for your child.
• Some people focus on who has suffered more, or who’s the bigger victim. 
• People who struggle with this block can’t really listen because they are too busy seeing how they measure up to the person they are talking to.

2. Rehearsing

• You aren't really listening because you are rehearsing what to say.
• Your attention is on your next comment.
• You have to look interested, but your mind is going a mile a minute because you've got a point to make.
• Or, maybe you don’t have a point to make but you are nervous about the situation and you are rehearsing what to say because you’re nervous.  I find myself doing this is situations where I’m nervous.  I noticed myself doing it a lot when I was a young teacher speaking to the principal or to parents about their child.  It’s like I needed to keep in my head what I needed to say.
• Am I really listening to what the other person is saying though?

 3. Dreaming

• I’m sure we can all relate to this one….
• This often happens when we half-listen and what the person says triggers a chain of private associations.
• Example:  Your neighbor says that she is laid off and in a flash, you’re back to a memory of when you lost your job for playing hearts on the computer at work.  Hearts – a great game, you really liked playing with your friends when you lived on First Street.  First Street is really getting run down, I’m glad I moved out of that neighborhood…
• We are prone to dreaming when we feel bored, anxious or too tired to focus.
• There are times when we need to work really hard to tune in and focus on what the person is saying.

 4. Identifying

• Here you take everything someone tells you and refer it back to your own experience.
• Dana spoke about this a few weeks ago and I think she called it Conversation Bombing
• E.g. You ask someone what’s new in their lives and she starts to tell you about how her sister was recently married.  She intends to tell you about something very near and dear to her heart but when she said “sister’s wedding” it reminded you of how your friend doesn't know that your sister is finally pregnant after years of trying to conceive.  You proceed to tell her everything that you sister has gone through.  Do you think this person still feels like telling you something near and dear to her heart?
• Do you launch into your story before the other person can finish theirs.
• Does everything you hear remind you of something that you've felt, done or suffered. 
• If you struggle with identifying, you’re so busy with the exciting tales of your life that there’s no time to really hear or get to know the other person. 

Proverbs 18:13 (NIV) To answer before listening, that is folly and shame.

5. Advising

• Some people are natural problem solvers, ready to help others with suggestions.
• These people don’t have to hear more than a few sentences before they begin searching for the right advice. 
• However, they often miss what’s most important.
• They miss hearing the feelings of the other person.
• They don't acknowledge the person’s struggle, or try to console or comfort.
• The other person doesn't feel like they have been heard, in fact, they often leave these conversations feeling alone and uncared for.
• I was with a group of ladies and there was a young mom there that had very recently had a baby.  She shared how her sweet babe was having trouble latching properly when nursing.  Can you just imagine what happened?  Everyone started giving her all kinds of advice! They were telling her what to try and what to change.  This mom knew what to do!  She didn't need any of this advice.  What she needed was for this group of moms to empathize with her, she just wanted to share her frustrations with other moms that would understand, she just wanted them to listen but instead they were searching their brains for advice.

Proverbs 18:2 (NIV) Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.

6. Being Right

•  People that struggle with being right can’t listen to criticism and can’t stand being corrected or being given suggestions to change. 
• This person won’t listen to what people tell them because they can’t stand the thought of being wrong.
• A person that struggles with being right won’t listen to the concerns of the other person because they are too concerned with the fact that they may have done something wrong. 
• E.g. a husband who tries to tell his wife that he misses her and wishes she was home more in the evenings.  The wife just hears the fact that her husband thinks she is wrong for going out so much. Because of her desire to be right, she didn't listen or hear the part about how her husband misses her, he is lonely, and wants to spend time with her.
• A person that struggles with this will go to any lengths to avoid being wrong.  For example: twist the facts, start shouting, make excuses or accusations, etc.

Reflection/Prayer

1. Ask Jesus to show you someone in your life that you have a hard time listening to.  Which listening blocks do you usually use with them?  Pray about this relationship and communication/listening to them.
2. Do certain situations or people trigger blocking?
3. Which listening blocks do you tend to use?  Ask Jesus about why you use them.

Effective Listening

1. Active Listening

• Listening doesn't mean sitting still with your mouth shut, a corpse can do that.
• Listening is an active process that requires your participation.
• Three things you can do to actively listen…
• To paraphrase means to state in your own words what you think someone just said.
• This helps keep you busy trying to understand and know what the other person said.
• Example:  “In other words…” “What I hear you saying is…” “Let me understand what was going on for you was…” “Do you mean…” 
• Benefits of paraphrasing:
• Makes people feel heard
• Cools down a crisis
• Stops miscommunication, false assumptions, errors and misinterpretations
• Helps you remember what was said
• You’ll find it harder to compare, judge, rehearse, advise, dream, etc.
• Clarifying means asking questions until you get more of the picture. 
• Since you intention is to fully understand, you often have to ask for more information.
• Giving Feedback is when you talk about your reactions, sharing in a nonjudgmental way how you felt, what you thought or what you sensed.
• Feedback has to be immediate, honest and supportive.

2. Listening with Empathy

• Listening with empathy means listening in a way that shows that you understand and share another person's experiences and emotions : that you share someone else's feelings
• You don’t have to be like everyone or agree with everyone, but recognize that you do share the same struggles.
• And if you don’t share the same struggles, you have for sure felt the same feelings they do.
• E.g.  I'm not an animal person.  In the past, when people’s pets would die, I used to not be able to understand how that could be so sad.  I would see people traumatized by the death of a pet and wonder why they were so traumatized.  Then God spoke to me about this one day and He showed me that it is real pain and loss that animal lovers experience.  I have not felt that pain and loss from an animal dying but I have experienced pain and loss through death and I know how that feels. It isn't up to me to judge someone’s level of pain and suffering.  In fact, friends of ours had to put their dog down a couple of weeks ago and I was moved to tears thinking of the situation and knowing their sadness.  That’s empathy!

3. Listening with Openness

• It’s difficult to listen when you are judging and finding faults.
• All the information gets scrambled coming in when you are building a case to dismiss a person and their ideas, filtering out whatever makes sense and pouncing on whatever seems false or crazy.

4. Listening with Awareness

• One way to listen with awareness is to compare what’s being said to your own knowledge of history, people, and the way things are.
• Basically, you are seeing if what the person is communicating fits with known facts.
• E.g.Saturday evening your daughter tells you that at school today she fell.  It is Saturday she didn't go to school.  What’s being said does not match up to known facts.
• The second way to listen with awareness is to hear and observe congruence.  Does the tone of voice, emphasis, facial expressions and posture fit with the content of the communication?
• Example:  Someone tells you that their mother died and they are laughing and smiling.  This is not congruent.
• When there is no congruence or the facts don’t add up, the listener must clarify and give feedback about the discrepancy.  If you ignore it you will have an incomplete message.

5.  Physical characteristics of good listening.

• Maintain good eye contact.  How often do we say to our kids “Listen with your eyes AND your ears!” yet do we?  When we listen to our kids do we look at them?  How about when you are at a conference and your back is to the speaker because of the side of table you are sitting on?
• Lean slightly forward
• Reinforce the speaker by nodding, smiling, and showing empathetic facial expressions.
• Move away from distractions

Remember, it’s about the heart!  If we struggle a lot with listening, it sort of shows that you don’t really value what people have to say.  We can follow all these “rules” and suggestions but what’s most important is that we love the person and choose to value what they say.  Dana spoke about this with regards to communication and speaking complete messages and the same goes with listening.  If our heart isn't one of love, the person speaking to us will pick up on that and it won’t take long for them to shut down, not trust us and feel unvalued.

Expressing Yourself Part Two

Introduction

Theme Verse: Eph. 4:29 (ESV) Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Last week we discussed the importance of being able to express yourself properly.  Specifically, we looked at a strategy for expressing feelings and needs using four components:

• Observations - the facts
• Thoughts - value judgments such as beliefs, opinions, theories, etc.
• Feelings - emotions
• Needs - requests, wants or desires

We looked at the differences between partial or contaminated messages and whole message and discussed how sometimes we only need to state the observation and need. For example, when I take my car in for repairs I tell them that it’s making funny noises and ask them to fix it.  No thoughts or feelings need to be expressed.  But when I am talking about deeper issues, especially when dealing with things that could affect the intimacy and love in my relationships, I need to be careful to use whole messages.  

Today we are going to specially look at the way that we word things in our whole message, to make sure that we are expressing ourselves clearly, while preserving someone’s dignity, choice, freedom and equality as a person. Our Goal is to continue growing healthy relationship where intimacy and love grows, not diminishes.  This is part of loving others the way God commanded (Mark 12:31).  

1. Be Clear about who has the need

Romans 12:10 (ESV) Love one another with brotherly affection. Out do one another in showing honor.

A. Assign the need correctly

Example:  Your husband has been working late many nights in a row and you really need him to be home on time tonight to take over childcare so that you can get your oldest son to his piano lesson on time.  You are frustrated, so you send a quick text message, “You need to be home on time tonight.” This statement confuses who has the need.  He doesn't need to be home on time, you need him to be home on time.  Can you see the difference? 

When you say, “You need to such in such”, you are bossing the other person around and it comes across as controlling.  This is not treating others with respect, dignity and equality.   Being careful to assign need correctly helps to keep the other person engaged in the conversation.  For love and intimacy to grow there must be equality.  When we tell people, “You need to…” we are becoming parental, which kills love and intimacy. 

So, it would be better to say, “I need for you to be home on time tonight so that I can get Billy to his piano lesson on time.” Depending on the health of the relationship, sometimes you only have to say a quick needs statement like that to get what you need in the relationship. 

B. Be Specific!

Don’t say: “You need to be more committed to the family,” or “You need to love me more.”

First, this assigns the need incorrectly. Second, this is vague and not quantifiable.

And don’t say: “I need you to be more committed to the family,” or, “I need more love from you,”

This is assigning the need correctly but it is still vague and not quantifiable.

Use a Whole Message and Say: When you work late repeatedly on days when I need you home to watch the younger kids (observation) it is inconsiderate (thought).  I feel frustrated that I can't count on you being home when I have to take Billy to piano (feeling).  I need you to be home on time when Billy has piano lessons (need).  That would make me feel like you really care, that you love me and are really committed to me and this family. 

C. Don’t project your need on others (Don’t Manipulate)

Example:   The wife is tired and wants to go out for dinner instead of cooking supper, so she says to "You haven’t taken us out for a while,” or, “You probably need a night out to dinner.” 

her husband, “

This is projecting her need on the other person, through manipulation. 

The wife is not taking ownership of her need.  Instead, she is making her need her husband’s need, which is manipulation.  Instead she should say, “I don’t want to cook tonight, I would like to go out for dinner.”  This places the need where it belongs – with the wife.

Another example of this is when you are tired and want to stay home for the night so you say, “Honey, you look so tired and you’ve had such a busy week, you probably could use a night off.”

Don’t tell others how they feel as a way to get what you want. If you want to stay in, just state your need.  When we project our needs onto others like this, we are actually hiding our needs from them and don’t let them into world.  Just say, “Honey, I’m tired and could use the night off.”

D. Be your own person

Just be you and say what YOU feel and what you need.  Share your thought and observations with

others. People who struggle doing this often have problems experiencing themselves as a separate person.  This is a boundaries challenge and can be related to coming from an enmeshed home.  They may not feel comfortable with being an individual. If this is your situation, I would encourage you to take the boundaries seminar and to find inner healing through a Set Free Retreat or personal ministry.

Exercise: Being Clear about My Needs

Using whole messages, clearly state the need using “I” instead of “you”. 

1. Wife to husband: “You haven’t taken a weekend off from work for a while.  You probably could use a weekend off.” This is said after she learns that her favourite band will be in Fargo for an upcoming concert in a few weekends and she really wants to go. 
2. Daughter to aging Mother:  “You wouldn’t want to move into that tiny apartment where there is little light and no garage for your car.”  The daughter is having a hard time with her mother considering moving off the family farm. 
3. Co-worker to co-worker:  “You really need to get down to business and work on that proposal.”  In reality, the proposal is needed for him to finish up a project that must get done before leaving on vacation on Friday. 

Possible Answers:

1. I noticed that my
   
   favorite band is playing in Fargo in a couple of weeks (observation).  I think it would be a fun thing to do as a family (thought).  I feel excited at the idea (feeling) I would really like to go to the concert (need).  Do you mind taking the weekend off and heading there as a family?
2. Mom, the farm has been in the family since before I was born (observation).  It really seems to be something that keeps the family together (thought).  I would feel so sad if I could never come out here anymore (feeling).  I realize that you are getting older and that the farm is becoming too much work, but I need a bit more time to let go and work through my feelings (need). 
3. I have a project that I need to finish up before leaving on vacation on Friday but I cannot finish it until you’re done with the proposal (observation).  I believe that this project should be top priority (thought).  I am getting really anxious about this (feeling).  I need for you to be done with your end by Thursday so I can have Friday to finish it up, before I leave (need). 

  

2. Word Choice

Col. 4:6 (ESV) Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.

Sharing feelings with others explains to someone how their attitudes, or actions influence you and

your feelings.  This creates vulnerability in a relationship, which is an ingredient for love and intimacy to grow. It is important to go into conversations assuming that the other person is a reasonable, kind and loving person and we are taking the opportunity to let them into our hearts by describing a reality that they may not be aware of.  This gives them the benefit of the doubt.  Our choice of words can really say a lot about what is actually going on inside of us.  Being careful with our words is a biblical principle of wisdom.

A. Don’t blame or attack

Psalm 141:3 (ESV) Set a guard, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips. 

As we continue to grow in becoming a better communicator, it is important that we are careful that our feelings statements actually express our feelings and aren’t value judgements (thoughts) which find fault or blame others. We don’t point fingers, accuse, or put things on their yard that belong on our own yard. 

Example:

Don’t use: “When you contradict me, I feel like you don’t care about me” (blame).

Use: “When you contradict me, I feel alone and unloved” (feeling).

B. Take Ownership of your emotions and control them

Tell the person how you feel in a controlled manner, without emotional outburst or meltdowns.  If you cannot control your emotions, then don’t have the conversation until you can.      

Example:

Don’t Use: “You frustrate me….” (and then lace into them with a hundred things).

Use: “When you are constantly late, I feel frustrated and unimportant.”

Avoid the statement, “You make me feel…” Take ownership of your feelings – they belong to you! 

It is true that the other person highly influences you emotionally, but they are not responsible for your feelings.  You are! 

C. Don’t substitute thoughts for feelings

Example: 

Don’t use: “When you contradict me, I feel like I shouldn't say anything” (thought – opinion or belief, not a true feeling).

Use: “When you contradict me, I feel hurt and disconnected” (feeling).

Knowing what you feel is not a natural ability and it may take a little work. Know the difference between sad, hurt, angry, frustrated, afraid, anxious, etc. In order to take a discussion to a higher level of intimacy, we must be clear about the feelings that we feel, which can be harder than you may initially think. 

D. Know when you are being oversensitive

Your emotions belong to you and you may need to admit when you are oversensitive so that not all the weight falls on the other person.

Example:

Use: I know sometimes I get hurt to easily, and that’s not you, that’s me.  But when you contradicted me last night, I really felt alone, unimportant and unloved.”

Exercise: Word Choice

Re-write the statements using healthier word choice.  Use whole messages as necessary. 

1. Sisters to each other:  “You are so inconsiderate of me in front of our friends.”
2. Mother to child:   “You are so rude when you interrupt me when I am on the phone.”
3. Wife to Husband: “You promised six months ago to fix the fence.  Why can’t you follow through on what you have promised me?”

Possible Answers:

1. Often when we go out with friends I am ignored and teased (observation).  I don’t think that’s a very nice way to treat somebody (thought).   When you do this, I feel annoyed and irritated (feeling).  Please stop ignoring my ideas and teasing me in public (need).
2. Often when I am on the phone I am interrupted (observation).  I don’t think that this is using manners (thought).  I need for you to give me the signal, and then wait patiently until I’m ready to speak to you (need).  Note – personally, I would not use a feeling statement here because the child could feel emotionally manipulated. 
3. The fence has been broken for over six months and I was promised that it would be fixed by now (observation).  I think that promises should be kept (thought).  I need you to fix the fence within the next two weeks or I will call a handyman to do it (need).  Note – personally, I would not use a feeling statement here either, as it could also feel like emotional manipulation. 

Conclusion

KEY POINT: Good relationships preserve someone’s dignity, choice, freedom and equality as a person.

KEY POINT: In healthy relationships people speak in such a way that intimacy and love grows, not diminishes. 

Prayer and Journaling Questions

1. Thanksgiving: Thank Jesus for how He always treats you with respect and shows perfect love towards you.  Ask Him to show you one instance of His love in the last week or so.  Thank Him for this. 
2. Ask Jesus to show you one area where you are doing well in the area of communication and the tongue.
3. Ask Jesus for one area where you can work on improving in your communication/tongue, in the next week.
4. Thank Jesus for walking with you, for not dropping the ball on you, but helping you navigate and twists and turns of life.  Etc. 

Bibliography:

Messages by Matthew McKay, Martha Davis and Patrick Fanning.

Boundaries Face to Face by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Expressing Yourself Part 1

Introduction

Last year when we looked at boundaries we discussed how we are responsible for our choices, our thoughts, our desires, finding encouragement, choosing to be joyful, kind and loving, I’m responsible for my bad attitudes, etc.  If this sounds new to you, I would highly recommend the boundaries course.  One area that we are going to look at today is how we are responsible for our feelings and communicating them properly, so that we stay engaged in relationship and work to build intimacy.

We are also going to look at how it is our responsibility to communicate our needs to others in healthy ways.

So, in the area of feelings, I’m responsible for my feelings.  For example:

• Feeling unloved
• Feeling lonely
• Feeling sad, depressed or anxious
• Feeling angry
• Feeling bitter or resentful
• Feeling confident, accepted
• Feeling happy, courageous, comfortable,
• Feeling helpless, alone, shy, powerless
• Feeling indifferent, fearful,etc.

We are to take responsibility for our feelings.  We can’t blame them on anybody else. This is how it is NOT done: 

• Jane: “Do we have to go to the family gathering this weekend?”
• Peter: “You don’t want to go?”
• Jane: “Oh, never mind.”
• Peter: “Is something wrong?”
• Jane: “It’s nothing…forget it”

Ignoring feelings is not the way to take responsibility for them.  Instead, we are to express them properly in a loving and respectful way. It’s pretty obvious that Jane did not want to go to the family gathering.  There must be some reason why? She is not working towards increased intimacy in her marriage by keeping things buried inside.  

CAVEAT:  Sometimes God may ask us to keep something inside, that’s OK, but usually we should consider effective ways of expressing ourselves. 

So, let’s say that Jane really doesn’t want to go to the family gathering, but goes along anyway, because she struggles expressing how she is feeling about it.  Then, when things don’t go well at the gathering, she ends up mad, frustrated, bitter, or even angry at Peter for making her go.  And who is to blame?  Who is responsible for Jane’s feelings?  Is it her husband? Her family?  Nope, it’s JANE! 

If Jane was able to express her feelings in the first place, she may have persuaded her husband to skip the gathering altogether, or they could have discussed ways to make changes so that she would enjoy the gathering more.  As it is, her husband has no idea what’s bothering her, and he can’t respond to her needs.  This is not how to build intimacy in relationships. 

Think about her husband for a minute – this poor guy has no idea what’s going on inside his wife.  He can’t read her mind, he doesn’t know what she’s feeling.  He’s in a no win situation.  Do you think the men in your life ever feel that way?  If they do, do you think they would dare tell you?  Personally, I think this is one thing that really hurts intimacy in marriage. Many times the men are left to wonder what is going on as they are left out in the dark because of we don’t express ourselves properly, or when we do, we go at it with guns a blazing and they get a lecture or an emotional meltdown. Do emotional meltdowns build intimacy in relationships?  Nope!  They actually destroy intimacy.

Sometimes, the woman drops a few hints so he thinks that he knows what she wants and moves on that, then afterward, she’s disappointed because he didn’t fulfill her desire. Let’s take the example of an upcoming anniversary.  

The wife dreams of a night out to dinner at her favourite restaurant in the city.  She is hoping for a gift of jewelry (maybe a necklace or earrings she’s been eying at the store), and to finish the night off, a nice walk in a park watching the sun set.  When her husband asks her, “What do you want to do for our anniversary,” she merely replies, “Oh, I don’t know, maybe we can get a sitter and do something.”  So he asks, “What do you want to do?” and she gives a vague reply, “Whatever, maybe go out to eat.”  Finally he asks, “What do you want as a gift?” and she replies, “Oh, you don’t’ have to get me anything.”  So, the husband, thinking that he is being extra awesome, actually books the sitter himself (this is worth about 1000 points in his books because she usually does it because he struggles with planning ahead).  So, the anniversary night comes, the sitter arrives and off they go in the car. But where?  He decides to take her somewhere in town to save a little gas money (she feels a tinge of disappointment because she was hoping for her favourite restaurant in the city). Then after dinner, no gift is given (another tinge of disappointment because she really wanted that jewelry) and then back home they go (more disappointment as she was hoping for a romantic walk). 

Who is responsible for the wife’s disappointment in the anniversary date?  The wife! Does the wife actually have any reason to be disappointed in her anniversary date? No, she doesn’t.  She is acting unfairly, she is acting entitled, and she is being discontent and ungrateful for the dinner that her husband took her out for.  If the wife does not adequately communicate her expectations then she has no right being disappointed when they are not met.

If you want something, learn to express yourself and ask for it, and don’t make your husband read between the lines.  You are setting him up for failure and then you end up mad at him and it’s actually your own fault.  If it really matters, say something.  If it doesn’t really matter, then be happy with what you get.

CAVEAT: We need to be careful not to swing from one extreme (not communicating our expectations/desires/wants) to the extreme of being bossy, selfish and demanding our own way.  This is just replacing one bad strategy with another equally bad strategy.  Instead, make my expectations known and then the other person makes their expectations known.  If they match, we are good to go.  If they don’t, we give and take until we can mutually agree.  Relationships, especially marriage, are about meeting each other’s needs.  It’s not all about me and getting my personal needs met all the time.  So, don’t be a selfish or demanding person.  This is not what I’m saying at all. 

Remember, men are not mind readers and nor should they be.  If you want something, learn to ask for it.  Expressing yourself when it counts and to the people that matter to you is more than a good interpersonal skill. It also means that you are loving them, as Christ commanded.   So, today we are going to discuss how to express yourself properly, so that love can grow and deeper intimacy can result in our relationships.     

Prov. 25:11 (NIV) A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.

Prov. 12:18b (NIV) … the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Being able to express yourself properly means being able to make clear and complete statements about your observations, thoughts, feelings and needs.

1. Observations

Observations are the simple facts. It means that you say what you observe, there are no speculations, inferences or conclusions.

• My old address was 3649 67^th Street North.
• She plans to wear a red dress to the party.
• I broke the toaster this morning.
• It was very hot when I left Winnipeg and there was a light wind was coming from the north.

All of these statements strictly adhere to what I have, read, or personally experienced. Sometimes we think that we are stating an observation but what the person feels is a value judgement.  For example, “I can tell whenever you drive my car, because you always leave the radio on.”  You may think that you are making a simple observation but the other person can easily hear criticism for forgetting to turn the radio off.  A better way to communicate would be to complete your communication by saying, “I really don’t mind when you borrow my car, in fact I love to help.  I just find it sort of neat how you love to listen to the radio.  It’s no problem at all that you use the radio, I’m just glad that you can get your errands done.”

If Jane had been able to talk about her observations at previous family gatherings, she may have pointed out that she struggled with the meal always starting late and the kids running around like lunatics. 

2. Thoughts

Your thoughts are conclusions and inferences drawn from what you have heard, read, and observed.

They are attempts to synthesize your observations so you can really see what’s going on and understand why and how events occur. They may incorporate value judgments in which you decide that something is good, bad, wrong or right. Beliefs, opinions, and theories are all conclusions from thoughts.    

• Selflessness is essential for a successful marriage (belief).
• I think the universe will keep exploding and collapsing, forever (theory).
• He must be afraid of his wife; he always seems nervous around her (theory).
• Aunt Jemima is the only syrup worth buying (value judgement).
• You were wrong to speak to him that way (value judgement).

Be careful of incorrect thoughts that can’t be supported by observations.  For example, “I think she’s mad at me,” – if you think this you should have some tangible evidence (like she yelled at me or did something intentionally showing anger) or you will need to dismiss this thought.  Incorrect thoughts can really hurt relationships and work to destroy intimacy. 

If Jane had been able to express her thoughts and feelings about the family gathering, she may have said that Uncle Bill is dominating and imposing, and she may have mentioned that Aunt Mary ignores conflicts because she is such a people pleaser. 

3. Feelings

Feelings are your emotional state, mood, etc. Probably the most difficult part of communication is expressing feelings. Many people struggle with expressing feelings. Sometimes people end up trying to keep their feelings to themselves because of past experiences where expressing feelings caused pain.   In this case, inner healing should be sought.  How we feel is an important part of what makes us unique and special. Shared feelings are the building blocks of intimate relationships. When we allow others to know what angers us, frightens us, and pleases us, etc. they have greater empathy and understanding and they are better able to be in relationship with us. 

• I missed Ally and felt a real loss when she left for Europe.
• I feel like I let you down and it really gnaws at me.
• I sit alone in the house, feel this tingling going up and down my spine, and get this wave of anxiety. 
• I light up with joy when I see you.  If feel this incredible rush of affection.
• I’m checking my reactions, and I feel stunned and a little angry.

When we express feelings, we want to make sure that we are not actually making observations, value judgments, or opinions.  For example in the statement, “I feel that you are very inflexible,” we are not talking about feelings at all, this is a value judgement, not a feeling.  Speaking this way will work to destroy intimacy in relationships.  Rather, say, “When you are unwilling to talk about changing our plans, I feel frustrated.”     

NOTE: Before you work to communicate your feelings, test yourself to see if these feelings are valid.  For example, if you are irritated at your husband, ask yourself to quantify that feeling with observations you have made about his behaviors.  Has he been rude or ignored you or are you just hormonal?  J

If Jane had expressed her feelings about the family gathering she may have told Peter that she felt bored at the gatherings and that she was angry with Uncle Bill.  She may have also expressed worry and frustration about how nothing was being done about some of the challenges facing the family.   

4. Needs

A need is something that you require because it is essential or very important.  No one knows what you want except you, in fact, sometimes we don't even know what we need.  We need Jesus to speak to us and show us our true genuine needs in our various circumstances.  Some people may really struggle expressing their needs. Many people hope their friends and family will be sensitive enough to know what they want without them having to say anything; “If you loved me, you’d know what’s wrong”. But that is really unfair.  Relationships can only grow when people clearly and supportively express what they need. Don’t express vague needs such as, “I need more love from you,” or, “I just need to feel like you are more committed to this relationship.”Instead, state clear and quantifiable needs, for example:         

• I need you to be home by 6 pm.
• I need you to only work two Saturdays per month. 
• I’m exhausted.  Will you do the dishes and see that the kids are in bed?
• I need a day to myself this weekend.  Can we get together Monday night instead?
• I need to reserve time with you so we can sit down and work this out.
• Could you just hug me for a while?

Sometimes the need that we think needs to be met, actually isn't the true need.  For example, at the beginning of the school year I was feeling frustrated at having to be the one to drive the kids everywhere all the time.  I expressed this need to my husband and he started driving the kids.  It didn't take long and I realized that deep inside I really liked driving them around, my actual need was for him to notice and acknowledge how my driving the kids all the time benefited him and served the family.  This is why it is so important to take our feelings and felt needs to Jesus, asking Him for clarity.  Jesus can show us the truth of what we really need!  

Jane might have told Peter that she really needed rest and wanted to spend the weekend at home, spending quality time together instead of going to the family gathering.  

Our anniversary wife would tell her husband that she would be interested in going to her favourite restaurant in the city and that she also saw some nice jewelry at the local store. 

Finally, meeds are not judgmental.  They don’t blame or assign fault.  They are simple statements about what would help or please you.  Often women ask their husbands to do things because it is a legitimate need, but they ask in a way that blames or finds fault.

• Bad way: “You never seem to notice that the dishwasher is clean and needs to be emptied.  You just assume that I will do that job, so you put your dirty dishes on the counter.  Why can’t you just empty it for once and stack your own dirty dishes in the dishwasher.  What am I, your maid?”
• Better way:  “I need you to notice when the dishwasher is clean, empty it and stack your dirty dishes in the dishwasher.” 
• Best way, send a WHOLE MESSAGE:  “When the dishwasher if full of clean dishes and you notice but don’t bother to empty it (observation) I wonder if you really care to help out around the house (thought).  It makes me feel frustrated (feeling).  I need you to empty the dishwasher when you notice that it needs emptying, and then stack your dirty dishes (need).” 

It becomes increasingly more important to send whole messages in relationships where there are ongoing relational issues. 

Prov. 17:27 (NIV) The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered.

Whole Messages

Whole messages include all four kinds of expression: what you observe, think, feel and need. Intimate relationships thrive on whole messages, especially when dealing with deeper issues.  Your closest friends, you spouse, and your family can’t know the real you unless you share all your experiences.  This means not leaving things out, not covering up your anger, not squelching your wants. It means giving accurate feedback about what you observe, clearly stating your inferences, and conclusions, saying how it all makes you feel, and if you need something or see possibilities for change, making straightforward requests or suggestions. When we leave something out it’s called a partial message. Partial messages create confusion or cause distrust. 

NOTE: Not every relationship or situation requires whole messages, for example, effective communication with your mechanic probably won’t require feelings or a discussion of your emotional needs. Even with close friends, most discussions are informal and informational and won’t require a whole message. 

But partial messages are dangerous when used to express the complex issues that are an inevitable part of closeness.

Contaminated Messages

Contamination takes place when your messages are mixed or mislabeled.  For example, you are going to a party as a family and your daughter puts on the wrong dress.  You may be contaminating feelings, thoughts and observations if you said, “I see you’re wearing that old dress again”.  What you said were four very different things:

• That dress is a little frayed and still has the ink spot that we couldn't get out. (observation)
• I don’t’ think it’s nice enough for a Sunday visit to grandpa’s (thought)
• I feel anxious that your grandpa will think I’m not a very good parent if you wear a dress like that (feeling)
• I would prefer that you wear something more presentable (need)

If someone says,  “I see your wife gave you two juicy oranges for lunch”.  Is the person making an observation, or expressing a need to have one of the oranges? Or how about if they say,  “While you were feeding your dog, my dinner got cold”.  Is this an observation, or are there underlying feelings of anger and judgment (you care more about the dog than me)?  Our messages must be clearer than this.  

Contaminated message: “Why don’t you act a little human for a change?” (value judgment)

Whole message: “You say very little, and when you do, it’s in a soft, flat voice (observation).  It makes me think that you don’t care, that you have no emotions (thought).  I feel hurt (feeling), but what I really want is for you to talk to me” (need). 

Contaminated message: “Every year you come home to visit with a different man.  I don’t know how you move from one to another like that.”

Whole message: “Each year you come home with someone else (observation).  I wonder if it creates a sort of callousness, a shallow affection (thought).  I worry, and also feel disappointed when I start liking your boyfriend and never see him again (feeling).  I hope you’ll make a commitment to a man someday” (need). 

Contaminated message: “I know what your problem is.  You like to get paid, but you don’t like to work.” 

Whole message: “You've been late six times in the last two weeks (observation).  It makes me think that you are trying to work as little as possible (thought).  The lateness irritates me (feeling) and I want you to be late no more than once a month” (need). 

Contaminated message: “I need to go home…another one of those headaches.” 

Whole message: “I've been standing by myself (observation).  You don’t seem to care or draw me into conversation (thought).  I start feeling hurt and angry (feeling).  I want you to involve me in things or I don’t want to be here” (need). 

Exercise: Practicing Whole Messages

Rewrite each statement as a whole message that includes an observation, thought, feeling and need.  

1. Husband to wife: “I see you’re getting uptight again.” This is said in an annoyed voice, covering a certain amount of anxiety and hurt.  The wife has been silent for 30 minutes following the husband’s late arrival home.  
2. Between two lovebirds who are dreaming about kids and marriage: “Should we be talking like this?”  The speaker is anxious that her boyfriend may feel pressured and may withdraw.
3. A man trying to explain to his 14 year old daughter why he quit his job:  “A person runs out of time.  Something just changes in them.”  He was passed over for promotion, he was depressed and fearful of getting older without finding satisfying work. 
4. A man speaking to his boss after being asked how he felt having to work overtime, missing his 10 year olds performance in a school play: “I’m here, aren’t I?”
5. A 16 year old feeling pressured and controlled by her parents after being reminded of final exams coming up: “I know, I know.  You don’t have to tell me.”

Answers listed at the end (so you won't cheat).  

Prayer and Sharing Questions:

1. Thanksgiving:  Thank Jesus for giving us communication as a way to build intimacy and trust in our relationships.  Ask Jesus to show you times where you have built stronger and more intimate relationships because of honest and open communication – thank Him.  
2.  Personal Reflection:  In your marriage (or significant relationship if you are unmarried), what are some of the emotions/feelings that you need to continue working on being more responsible for?  For example, feeling disappointment, unloved, lonely, sad, depressed, anxious, bitter, resentful, helpless, alone, shy, powerless, indifferent, fearful, angry, etc. 
3.  Personal Reflection:  In your significant relationships (marriage, parents, siblings, close friends), how easily can you express genuine and authentic needs? 
4.  Practical Step:  Ask Jesus to speak to you about 1 way that you can apply today’s teaching to your personal life in a practical way. 
5. Commitment Prayer:  Write a prayer to Jesus committing to taking responsibility for your feelings and for expressing your needs in a loving and respectful way.  

Practicing Whole Messages Possible Answers

There are many possible answers here is one example for each.

1. You haven’t said anything since I got home (observation)  and I assume you are angry (thought).  When you withdraw like this I get angry too (feeling).  I’d rather talk about it than do this (need).
2. We’re dreaming about a life together after two weeks of dating (observation).  I'm wondering if this is too soon to talk like this (thought).  I’m worried that one of us may get scare and withdraw (feeling).  Does it feel OK to you to do this (need)?
3. I’d been passed over for a long time and really didn’t like what I was doing anyway (observation).  I don’t think that it’s healthy to grow old someplace doing work you don’t like (thought).  I was getting depressed and wanted to take a chance on finding something that really felt good (feeling).  It’s hard and I need your support (need).
4. I’m missing my ten year old's performance in the school play tonight )observation).  I should be there (thought).  It’s frustrating (feeling). But I do want to be home by 9 (need).
5. You've reminded me four times (observation) and I get the impression you think that I’m stupid or irresponsible (thought).  I feel watched and it makes me angry (feeling).  Let me handle this myself, and we can talk about it if I mess up (need). 

Bibliography:

Messages by Matthew McKay, Martha Davis and Patrick Fanning.

Boundaries Face to Face by Henry Cloud and John Townsend