Listening

This week we are going to continue learning about communication.  Up to now we have been focusing on our words and how we communicate with another person.  Today we are going to switch our perspective and look at it from the other side, not the person that is talking but the person that is listening. 

Reflective Prayer

1. Ask God to bring you to a time when you knew God was listening to you.  Write down what was happening.  
2. How did you feel? 
3. Why is this memory meaningful?
4. Ask Jesus where are He is in this memory and what He wants to show you in this memory. 

Why Is Listening Important?

• Listening is vital to relationships.
• Really listening to someone shows we value them. 
• And feeling valued affects how you open up to another person and communicate with them. 
• If you are a good listener, people will feel comfortable around you and may even confide in you, deepening your relationships. 
• Causes the person you are communicating with to trust you,
• Listening is a commitment to understanding how other people feel and how they see their world.
• It means putting aside your prejudices and beliefs, your anxieties and self-interest, so that you can look at things from the other person’s perspective.  You can completely disagree with someone’s opinion and still listen to them 
• Listening is a compliment because it says, “I care about what’s happening to you; your life and your experiences are important to me.”

Proverbs 1:5 (NIV) Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance. 

Why do we listen?

• Real listening is based on the intention to do one of the following:
• Understand someone
• Enjoy someone
• Learn something
• Give help or comfort.
• When you have other intentions when communication with someone, this is called Pseudo, or selfish listening.

Brainstorm in groups of 3-4 some examples of pseudo listening (listening with the wrong motives or intentions).  Think about times when you felt like you weren't listened to – what was happening there?  What were they doing to make you think they weren't really listening and why were they doing it?  Think of times when you weren't really listening to someone that you were communicating with – what was happening there? Why might someone not be really listening but “looking” like they are listening (5 min)

Blocks to Listening

• Our sinful and selfish nature creeps into everything we do (our marriages, parenting, the words that we speak) and listening is not exempt from that. Let’s look at some things that can happen that cause us to have trouble listening to others.
• There are many blocks to listening, we will not be able to look at them all.
• As we go through these, you will probably recognize some of these in your life – and that’s ok!
•  Remember that the Holy Spirit is gentle and loving and it is good to become more aware of how you actually listen to others so that you can improve your listening.

1. Comparing

• Comparing makes it hard to listen because you are always trying to figure out who is smarter, more competent, more emotionally healthy, who’s godlier, who has a better marriage, better behaved kids, wealthier, etc. 
• E.g. Your friend is telling you about a success that their child has had.  Let’s take potty training for example.  They are telling you about this wonderful plan that God showed them on how to potty train their child, and their child is succeeding beyond their expectations.  Potty training seems very easy for your friend and her child  But while she’s telling you this, what you are actually thinking is; oh no, should I be potty training my child already, am I a horrible mother for not starting this yet, is my child going to be behind in life? Do I even hear God??
• Or it could be completely opposite situation – your friend is struggling with potty training and all you can think about is how easy it was for your child.
• Some people focus on who has suffered more, or who’s the bigger victim. 
• People who struggle with this block can’t really listen because they are too busy seeing how they measure up to the person they are talking to.

2. Rehearsing

• You aren't really listening because you are rehearsing what to say.
• Your attention is on your next comment.
• You have to look interested, but your mind is going a mile a minute because you've got a point to make.
• Or, maybe you don’t have a point to make but you are nervous about the situation and you are rehearsing what to say because you’re nervous.  I find myself doing this is situations where I’m nervous.  I noticed myself doing it a lot when I was a young teacher speaking to the principal or to parents about their child.  It’s like I needed to keep in my head what I needed to say.
• Am I really listening to what the other person is saying though?

 3. Dreaming

• I’m sure we can all relate to this one….
• This often happens when we half-listen and what the person says triggers a chain of private associations.
• Example:  Your neighbor says that she is laid off and in a flash, you’re back to a memory of when you lost your job for playing hearts on the computer at work.  Hearts – a great game, you really liked playing with your friends when you lived on First Street.  First Street is really getting run down, I’m glad I moved out of that neighborhood…
• We are prone to dreaming when we feel bored, anxious or too tired to focus.
• There are times when we need to work really hard to tune in and focus on what the person is saying.

 4. Identifying

• Here you take everything someone tells you and refer it back to your own experience.
• Dana spoke about this a few weeks ago and I think she called it Conversation Bombing
• E.g. You ask someone what’s new in their lives and she starts to tell you about how her sister was recently married.  She intends to tell you about something very near and dear to her heart but when she said “sister’s wedding” it reminded you of how your friend doesn't know that your sister is finally pregnant after years of trying to conceive.  You proceed to tell her everything that you sister has gone through.  Do you think this person still feels like telling you something near and dear to her heart?
• Do you launch into your story before the other person can finish theirs.
• Does everything you hear remind you of something that you've felt, done or suffered. 
• If you struggle with identifying, you’re so busy with the exciting tales of your life that there’s no time to really hear or get to know the other person. 

Proverbs 18:13 (NIV) To answer before listening, that is folly and shame.

5. Advising

• Some people are natural problem solvers, ready to help others with suggestions.
• These people don’t have to hear more than a few sentences before they begin searching for the right advice. 
• However, they often miss what’s most important.
• They miss hearing the feelings of the other person.
• They don't acknowledge the person’s struggle, or try to console or comfort.
• The other person doesn't feel like they have been heard, in fact, they often leave these conversations feeling alone and uncared for.
• I was with a group of ladies and there was a young mom there that had very recently had a baby.  She shared how her sweet babe was having trouble latching properly when nursing.  Can you just imagine what happened?  Everyone started giving her all kinds of advice! They were telling her what to try and what to change.  This mom knew what to do!  She didn't need any of this advice.  What she needed was for this group of moms to empathize with her, she just wanted to share her frustrations with other moms that would understand, she just wanted them to listen but instead they were searching their brains for advice.

Proverbs 18:2 (NIV) Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.

6. Being Right

•  People that struggle with being right can’t listen to criticism and can’t stand being corrected or being given suggestions to change. 
• This person won’t listen to what people tell them because they can’t stand the thought of being wrong.
• A person that struggles with being right won’t listen to the concerns of the other person because they are too concerned with the fact that they may have done something wrong. 
• E.g. a husband who tries to tell his wife that he misses her and wishes she was home more in the evenings.  The wife just hears the fact that her husband thinks she is wrong for going out so much. Because of her desire to be right, she didn't listen or hear the part about how her husband misses her, he is lonely, and wants to spend time with her.
• A person that struggles with this will go to any lengths to avoid being wrong.  For example: twist the facts, start shouting, make excuses or accusations, etc.

Reflection/Prayer

1. Ask Jesus to show you someone in your life that you have a hard time listening to.  Which listening blocks do you usually use with them?  Pray about this relationship and communication/listening to them.
2. Do certain situations or people trigger blocking?
3. Which listening blocks do you tend to use?  Ask Jesus about why you use them.

Effective Listening

1. Active Listening

• Listening doesn't mean sitting still with your mouth shut, a corpse can do that.
• Listening is an active process that requires your participation.
• Three things you can do to actively listen…
• To paraphrase means to state in your own words what you think someone just said.
• This helps keep you busy trying to understand and know what the other person said.
• Example:  “In other words…” “What I hear you saying is…” “Let me understand what was going on for you was…” “Do you mean…” 
• Benefits of paraphrasing:
• Makes people feel heard
• Cools down a crisis
• Stops miscommunication, false assumptions, errors and misinterpretations
• Helps you remember what was said
• You’ll find it harder to compare, judge, rehearse, advise, dream, etc.
• Clarifying means asking questions until you get more of the picture. 
• Since you intention is to fully understand, you often have to ask for more information.
• Giving Feedback is when you talk about your reactions, sharing in a nonjudgmental way how you felt, what you thought or what you sensed.
• Feedback has to be immediate, honest and supportive.

2. Listening with Empathy

• Listening with empathy means listening in a way that shows that you understand and share another person's experiences and emotions : that you share someone else's feelings
• You don’t have to be like everyone or agree with everyone, but recognize that you do share the same struggles.
• And if you don’t share the same struggles, you have for sure felt the same feelings they do.
• E.g.  I'm not an animal person.  In the past, when people’s pets would die, I used to not be able to understand how that could be so sad.  I would see people traumatized by the death of a pet and wonder why they were so traumatized.  Then God spoke to me about this one day and He showed me that it is real pain and loss that animal lovers experience.  I have not felt that pain and loss from an animal dying but I have experienced pain and loss through death and I know how that feels. It isn't up to me to judge someone’s level of pain and suffering.  In fact, friends of ours had to put their dog down a couple of weeks ago and I was moved to tears thinking of the situation and knowing their sadness.  That’s empathy!

3. Listening with Openness

• It’s difficult to listen when you are judging and finding faults.
• All the information gets scrambled coming in when you are building a case to dismiss a person and their ideas, filtering out whatever makes sense and pouncing on whatever seems false or crazy.

4. Listening with Awareness

• One way to listen with awareness is to compare what’s being said to your own knowledge of history, people, and the way things are.
• Basically, you are seeing if what the person is communicating fits with known facts.
• E.g.Saturday evening your daughter tells you that at school today she fell.  It is Saturday she didn't go to school.  What’s being said does not match up to known facts.
• The second way to listen with awareness is to hear and observe congruence.  Does the tone of voice, emphasis, facial expressions and posture fit with the content of the communication?
• Example:  Someone tells you that their mother died and they are laughing and smiling.  This is not congruent.
• When there is no congruence or the facts don’t add up, the listener must clarify and give feedback about the discrepancy.  If you ignore it you will have an incomplete message.

5.  Physical characteristics of good listening.

• Maintain good eye contact.  How often do we say to our kids “Listen with your eyes AND your ears!” yet do we?  When we listen to our kids do we look at them?  How about when you are at a conference and your back is to the speaker because of the side of table you are sitting on?
• Lean slightly forward
• Reinforce the speaker by nodding, smiling, and showing empathetic facial expressions.
• Move away from distractions

Remember, it’s about the heart!  If we struggle a lot with listening, it sort of shows that you don’t really value what people have to say.  We can follow all these “rules” and suggestions but what’s most important is that we love the person and choose to value what they say.  Dana spoke about this with regards to communication and speaking complete messages and the same goes with listening.  If our heart isn't one of love, the person speaking to us will pick up on that and it won’t take long for them to shut down, not trust us and feel unvalued.