Introduction
Last week when we talked about boundaries, we looked at
responsibility. Boundaries help me know what I am to take responsibility for
and what I am not responsible for. We learned how God is responsible – He tells us what He
thinks, feels, likes/dislikes, allows and will not allow. He also limits what He allows in His yard –
He confronts sin and allows consequences for behaviour. Living with boundaries means we act in our relationships the
way God acts in our relationship with Him.
It’s about living in God’s image.
Living with boundaries means that we allow people to have
their own opinions about things, they can be their own person. It also means that we don’t disguise our
likes and dislikes or live like a chameleon. Boundaried people don’t get agitated when people disagree
with them, they don’t feel like they have to persuade others to change, they
don’t need to rationalize their choices and they do not judge others. Instead, they give people freedom to make
decisions for themselves.
Overall, boundaries are about respect. It’s about respecting yourself and respecting
others!
Four Common Boundary Problems
Many people believe that boundaries are just the ability to
say “no”. I hope that you are already seeing how boundaries are much
more than that. But because of this misconception, many people don’t
recognize other common boundary problems in relationships. In this next section we will look at four personality types
and the boundaries issues that each is prone to. As we go through each, ask yourself what your tendencies are
in each of these areas. NOTE – most people are a combination of the four types and
you can be one type of person in some circumstances and another in other
circumstances.
1. Compliants
Have you ever done something you didn't really want to do
simply because someone else asked you to?
Like buying
something after being persuaded by a pushy salesperson or because your friend told you that it looked really good, but deep inside you didn't really like it? Compliance is the disposition to yield to others; it’s when
people feel they have to do whatever they are asked. A common form of compliance is feeling like you can’t say
no, or disagree with someone.
Compliant people can also find it hard to stand up for
themselves. A few weeks ago, Mark took me out for lunch and I
ordered my meal, including a side dish.
When the meal came, the waitress had forgotten the side dish. My initial thought was to not bother
mentioning it to the waitress because she was busy and I’m sure the kitchen was
also quite busy. But, I had clearly
ordered it, and it would be on my bill.
I should really ask for it. So I
did. Compliant people would struggle
with mentioning to the waitress that their side order was missing and would
probably go home feeling some resentment over the missing side dish that they
willingly paid for.
Another aspect of being compliant is going along with the
group or changing your behaviour to fit in with the group, even though
sometimes you disagree with the group. This makes you really vulnerable to peer pressure. For example, the child,
whom you thought was really well behaved, gets in trouble at school for
something – could be for swearing, for lying, for stealing, for coarse/dirty
language, etc. They know it’s wrong and
but they did it anyway to fit in with the group. Adolescents who are compliants can get
themselves into all sorts of trouble even though their parents think they are
really good kids. I can hear the parents
saying, “I know my son, he would never do that.” But the fact is that he did. Schools don’t make this stuff up. Often
in these situations the parents will defend their guilty child because they
have been deceived into believing their child is well behaved when actually he
is compliant and has not been able to stand separate from his peers. Their son is well-behaved at home because
they comply to their parents expectations, but at school an entirely different
character emerges, one that is compliant to his peers. Change the group the child is hanging out
with and the child’s behaviour changes.
This is why it’s so
important that we learn to have victory in this area of our lives. It doesn't matter how many times you tell
your kids to NOT go along with peer pressure.
When they observe you caving into the demands of others that teaches
them way more then what you say. Actions
speak louder than words.
One of the biggest roots of compliant's is FEAR.
- Fear of hurting the other person’s feelings
- Fear of abandonment and separateness
- A wish to be totally dependent on another
- Fear of someone’s anger
- Fear of punishment
- Fear of being shamed
- Fear of being seen as bad or selfish
- Fear of being unspiritual
- Fear of one’s over-strict, critical conscience (guilt)
If boundaries are about respect (respecting self/respecting
others). What is wrong here? Compliants struggle with respecting self.
Tips for Compliants
It is important for compliants to learn how to say “no” and
how to be a separate person. Start small, by finding something small to say no to and say
it firmly, politely but mean it. The
world will not collapse and people take offense much more rarely then you may
think. Then, learn to ask for what you want. If everyone is going to the movies and want
to see a particular movie, but you would prefer to watch something else, speak
up. It doesn’t mean that you get to see
the movie you want to see, but learning to voice your opinion is a great
starting point. It’s not about making demands;
it’s about learning to voice your preferences.
That’s a big step forward.
Guard against becoming selfish; remember that in
relationships there is always give and take. Sometimes it is appropriate to put
other people’s needs ahead of your own.
But, it’s also important to be able to express your needs, wants and
desires so that the choice to put them ahead is truly out of love and not out
of compliance.
Finally, examine your fears. As a child, were your feelings pushed aside, not considered
or even belittled?Were you always expected to anticipate and mold yourself to
everyone’s needs? Did you learn that the only way to receive positive
attention was to do what others wanted? Sometimes booking a couple personal ministry appointments or
going to another Encounter retreat is the best way to do this. God can bring healing to the very source of
your compliance! AMAZING! Learn to base your self-worth, not on what others think of
you, but on what God things of you! And
He thinks you are GREAT! Be persistent, asking the Lord to continually reveal areas
where you have the tendency to be a compliant.
Karrie has been in a cell group at church for about
3 years. She has a pretty good life, it
has the normal ups and downs, but overall things are OK. She enjoys the social aspect of cell group
and she loves praying for and helping others.
She feels so wonderful inside when others tell her the troubles in their
lives and she can love and support them.
But, when the time comes for her to share a prayer request or mention an
area in her life that needs work, Karrie says, “I’m good, everything is
good.” She has lots of friends and
everyone seems to like her but no one really knows her deep inside. Karrie can talk about everything except what
is really going on inside of her. This is one form of being an Avoidant. It’s building up walls and not letting anyone
in to your heart.
But there are other forms. Requesting assistance from friends or colleagues is
something that many people have trouble doing. Some, on the other hand, are way too comfortable leaning on
others – they need to learn to carry their own loads! While others just can’t seem to ask for help when they genuinely
need it. “I’m good”, they say, “I can
handle it.” While in reality they are in
crisis. Asking help in a time of need is really hard for a lot of
people. People who are Avoidants are unable to accept the love and
care that others want to give them. This
could be with practical tasks or emotional needs. When they are in need, they withdraw so as not to let others
see their needs. They have set up walls instead of boundaries.
Christians often over-spiritualize this behaviour by saying
to themselves and others that “my issues are nothing compared to what others
deal with. It would be selfish to bother others with my little struggles. The Lord expects me to deal with them myself,
etc.” But everyone needs relationships and we all need the love
and help of others, even if we appear strong on the outside. People that struggle with this boundary often completely
ignore their own emotional needs because they want to maintain a self-image of
being strong and independent (common in men). They fear requesting assistance, often because they do not
want to appear weak, needy or incompetent.
Does this ring a bell?! Or, they fear that if they ask for help, they surrender
control.
People who grew up in stressed environments where they were
told (by words or behaviour) that they were not to “bother” their parents learn
to be Avoidants. Yet God created us to be interdependent; we need
relationships with others. It is our responsibility to ensure that we open ourselves up
to God and others to get our needs met. If boundaries are about respect (respecting self/respecting
others). What is wrong here?
Avoidants struggle with respecting self.
Tips for Avoidants
Tell yourself that you need help and that you need
relationships.
Swallow your pride – take it to Jesus to receive healing
from any roots of pride in your life.
Make a commitment to begin sharing the deeper things of your
life with trusted friends or family members.
Make a commitment to ask for help the next time you
have task that you can’t complete.
3. Controllers
Some people don’t have a problem with saying no; their
boundary issue is accepting it when other people say no to them or disagree
with them. Controllers have problems respecting others.
A controller attempts to get others to change, neglecting
their responsibility to accept others as they are.
Controlling people often feel threatened by others and so
they tend to point out people’s flaws.
They tear down instead of building others up. If you have a friend that always makes you
feel miserable about yourself, odds are she is a controller. These people often ignore, minimize or dominate your own
experience or expressions of your own feelings.
Controllers attempt to define your reality. If you say you're tired,
the controller says you’re not. Controllers often expect you to change your plans for
them.
Let's say you have your day all planned out, and
then you receive a phone call from a friend, and you tell them your plans. The
person wants to join in with your plans, with the exception that your time
doesn't work well for them, or maybe that isn't the place they want to go. The
next thing that you know, your plans have totally changed. You end up seeing a
movie that you didn't care to see, at a time that you didn't really care to go.
Unlike a highly opinionated person, a controlling person
lacks the ability to tolerate or accept differences between the two of you. A
controlling person seeks to change some part of your core traits or
personality, reshaping you as part of their feeble attempt to control the world
around them. Most people who are controlling throw in the argument the
words, "you are the problem", or "you have a problem."
Nothing is ever their fault.
Controlling people often have difficulty dealing with
problems objectively and will manipulate the conversation to blame
others when their own mistakes are pointed out. They frequently demean or criticize others as
a means of building themselves up and appearing superior and in control. Controlling people often do not have close friends, and
rarely are friends with others who are more attractive, intelligent, or
well-liked than themselves. They tend to be jealous of popular, successful
people, and will criticize those held in high-regard by others.
Two Types of Controllers:
a. Aggressive-Controllers
These people clearly do not listen to other people’s
boundaries, they simply ignore them and run over them like a tank. They may use anger, threats, physical or verbally abusive
behaviours to get their way. Most of the time they aren’t even aware of others people’s
boundaries. They try to make the world fit into their ideas as theirs is
the only correct way to live. They neglect to accept other people as they are.
b. Manipulative-Controllers
Manipulative Controllers may recognize the boundaries of
others but try to persuade them to give up their boundaries. They are not always obvious because they play a silent game
of building up obligations towards them that end with you feeling guilty,
pressured, and obliged. They may complain constantly about all the things they do
for you and wonder rhetorically when you're going to return this favor. They use guilt, assumptions, self-pity.
EXAMPLES:
- "I wish you'd understand how hard it is for me, after all I've done for you, to have you not want to stay longer with me each Christmas."
- "I suppose you're going to leave me alone again."
- "If you've got more important things to do, then its best you don't waste time visiting me."
- "Everyone thinks you're not being kind to me when you refuse to do that for me."
- “You are the only one I have to talk to.”
- "If you loved me, you'd take me on that business trip."
- “You think your work is more important than me.”
- "Please don't do that, it' hurts mommy's feelings when you disobey."
The woman who cries whenever her husband refuses to
comply with her demands and so makes sure that she gets her way is manipulating. Yet feels she has done nothing wrong.
If boundaries are about respect (respecting self/respecting
others). What is wrong here? Controllers struggle with respecting others.
4. Nonresponsive
Some people walk through the world seemingly indifferent
about the needs of the people around them. They think that life is tough and that everyone needs to
handle it by him or herself. In relationships this lack of sensitivity makes them appear
cold. They have a hard time hearing, seeing and accepting the
needs of others. And if others express their neediness to them, they shrug it
off as if this need were only a tiny nuisance with which they shouldn’t be
bothered. They rightfully don’t help others carry their daily loads
but go too far in not helping others carry their heavy burdens either.
Proverbs 3:27 (ESV) Do not withhold good from those to whom
it is due, when it is in your power to do it.
Phil. 2:4 (NASB) Do not merely look out for your own
personal interests, but also for the interests of others.
If boundaries are about respect (respecting self/respecting
others). What is wrong here? Nonresponsive’s struggle with respecting others.
Summary of Boundary Problems
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Can't Say
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Can't Hear
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No
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THE COMPLIANT
Fail to set limits and will often feel guilty. Easily controlled by others.
Struggles respecting self.
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THE CONTROLLER
Violate the
boundaries of others either aggressively or through manipulation.
Struggles respecting others.
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Yes
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THE NONRESPONSIVE
Don’t hear the needs of others and neglect their
responsibility to give care and help.
Struggles respecting others.
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THE AVOIDANT
Fail to open their gate for the love and care of others.
Struggles respecting self.
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Recommended Reading:
Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend
Can you provide any tips for the Controllers?
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