Key Passage: Gal. 5:16-26
ESV: 16 But
I say, walk by the Spirit,
and you will not gratify the
desires of the flesh.17 For the
desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the
Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to
keep you from doing the things you want to do. 18 But
if you are led
by the Spirit, you
are not under the law. 19 Now the
works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, 20 idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of
anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, 21 envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these.
I warn you, as I warned you before, that those
who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. 22 But the
fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against
such things there is no law. 24 And
those who belong to Christ Jesus have
crucified the flesh with its passions
and desires. 25 If we live by the Spirit, let
us also keep in step with
the Spirit. 26 Let
us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.
·
Many of us read the list of sins
in verses 19-21 and we just brush past them, thinking that we are doing well
and we feel that we are free and clear of these sorts of sins. Yet many of us struggle with other variations
of these sins, especially in the context of marriage (or if you are single, in
other relationships).
·
Before we start feeling too good
about ourselves we need to go a little deeper, these sins may not have fully manifested themselves in your life
but there probably are little roots of these sins in you and this will affect
your marriage. If the apostle Paul was to write a Holy Spirit inspired letter to the women in our church, in our cell - what would be the list of sins that he would include?
Examples
1.
DEMANDS:
Example - A wife is mad at her husband for de-stressing after a tough day at
work by watching TV/playing computer games and so she gets fed up and out of
frustration she walks up to the TV/computer, turns it off and says, “I’ll give
you a choice – you can either go and play with the kids or you can clean up the
kitchen but you are NOT watching TV any longer!” Some women would praise this
wife for being so courageous and wise, for standing up for herself and doing
what needs to be done. BUT, this is not
courageous or wise.
How would you feel if
the tables were turned? You just had a
really tough day with the kids; they were up all night screaming and didn’t nap
at all during the day. You barely got
supper on the table because the groceries are getting really low and you didn’t
have energy to pack up your sick and tired kids to head to the store. After supper you just want to sit down and
check up on Facebook before you go to bed.
How would you feel if your husband got mad at you for being on Facebook
and so he walks up the computer, turns it off and says – “you can either go for
groceries or get in the bedroom (read between the lines J)
but you are not going to waste time on the internet anymore!” Would he be courageous and wise? Why the double standard? Would you like him
to treat you this way?
Making
demands of your husband and expecting obedience is wrong and won’t fix your
marriage. In fact, as a result, your
husband will try to escape your abuse, and instead of becoming responsive to
your needs, he will want to have as little to do with you as possible. Is that
what you want? Do you want to drive your husband away from you?
You do not
have the right to tell him what to do.
He also does not have the right to tell you what to do. Some of you are the demanding ones here; some
of you have been walked all over because of your husband’s demands. This is not God’s will for your
marriage. God’s will is for the two of
you to learn how to have healthy and respectful discussions about the things in
your lives and to value each other’s opinions and needs.
2.
MANIPULATION:
When we want something from our husbands we can often present our problem as if
it is his personal shortcoming. “If you
would only buy me flowers, I would feel more loved”. “If you would only help out more with the
kids, clean up the house, hang out less with the guys, I would feel more loved
and be less grumpy and have more energy…”
When we do this we are tying our own emotional shortcomings to our
husband’s behavior and subtly trying to manipulate him to do what we want.
At the same time, we
rationalize that we are doing our spouse a favor, we are helping him become a
better husband, we are shedding light on the confusion of what it means to be a
good husband and father – if he would only follow our advice then life would be
so much better. But really what we are
doing is imposing our set of values on him and trying to force our point of
view on him in a subtle and deceptive ways.
As women, we need to
take responsibility for our feelings and not blame our husbands for them. We need God to speak truth into these
feelings instead of believing Satan’s subtle lies about our husbands.
3.
CONTROLLING: Who makes the decision in your marriage, in
other words, who wears the pants in the family (it should be neither of you)? How do you make decisions as a couple? Do you always need your way? Think back to what you did this past
weekend – did each person get equal input?
Did you discuss each person’s ideas and wishes? Did you take each other’s feelings into
consideration? Does your husband get a
say or has he just learned to keep his mouth shut and go with the flow? If he
is naturally easy going and you are naturally a planner then you will need to
learn how to intentionally dialogue with him and let him have opinions, ideas
and even get his way now and then! I know some women who have the calendar so
booked up with chores for him to do and social outings, with the expectation that
he will just comply. Since she is home
all day she can come up with lots of things for him to do –but he is tired from
working all day and needs a break. But she
won’t stop to consider his feelings and he has learned long ago to just shut up
about it and go along with her to keep the peace.
When we make all the
family decisions without consulting our husbands what we are actually doing is
making the assumption that our views are right and our husband’s views are
wrong – this is dangerous territory.
Eventually our husbands just give up trying to contribute to the
relationship and become apathetic towards it.
Trying to control someone is a sophisticated way of being demanding. It’s disrespectful and rude and it pushes him
away. Then we wonder why he is so
distant and we blame him for the lack of intimacy and closeness in our
marriage.
Some women treat
their husbands like an ATM machine – they want him to go to work and then hand
over the paycheque. They don’t give him a
say in anything, instead the wife makes all the decisions for the household –
what to buy, what to do, where to go.
This forces him to withdraw from the marriage and from family life.
4.
GOSSIP:
Talking about your husband’s shortcomings behind his back to your mother or to
your sisters or to a friend is not appropriate in marriage. If your husband has so many shortcomings that
you feel you really need to talk to someone about them, call the church and
book an appointment with Tim Ryan or a marriage coach and go to the marriage
retreat! Truth is, if you are talking
about him behind his back in a negative way you’ve got a problem too as you
have broken trust and you both need to work on your marriage together. Of course, it’s OK to discuss things with a
pastor or church leader if you are trying to get help and if there is abuse
(emotional, physical, mental, sexual) then you must speak up and get help!
5.
ANGER:
When we are angry it is usually because we feel some
sort of injustice has been done. In
marriage, this often happens when we feel our husbands are deliberately not
giving us what we want or we feel that what they are doing is not fair. So we use anger to protect ourselves from
this injustice. Some people lash out
with harsh words, some lose their temper, some use physical violence. Others use subtle sarcasm, ridicule or
put-downs – just a poke here or a jab there with a biting tongue, to try to get
even. This offers a simple solution to
the immediate problem but our anger shows that we don’t care about our
husband’s feelings and that we are willing to hurt him in order to feel better
or get our way. This just makes matters
worse. Some women have learned not to
lash out verbally or physically so they internalize their anger. They can be steaming inside without throwing
a fit. That’s when they often move into
the next area – hurtful action/inaction.
6.
HURTFUL
ACTIONS or INACTIONS – women can do some pretty
immature things when they are mad at their husbands. Some women use devious plots to cause misery
for him – “he forgot his mother’s birthday and I’m NOT going to remind him, she’ll
phone an give him the what-for!”, the silent treatment, spending money you know
you don’t have on stuff that you know would annoy your husband in order to get
back at him, talking about how much fun you have with others as a way of
sending the message that you don’t have fun with him, withholding sex/touching,
making sure he knows that he is NOT meeting your needs, refusing to do the
things you are responsible for around the house, “forgetting” to do stuff that
you told him you would do, etc.
7.
JUDGMENTAL:
We often do this without even realizing it.
It’s when we dismiss our husband’s ideas – very common when he suggests
something about caring for or disciplining the children. He suggests something and we just dismiss it
immediately. He suggests that we let the
baby cry it out and you dismiss this idea immediately and don’t even take it
into consideration. He suggests that you
not spend so much time with your mother and you completely ignore him and get
all mad that he would even suggest it.
He wants to buy a particular outfit and there is no way you would let
him! The list goes on and on and covers
all areas of marriage and family life!
Being judgmental sends the message that he doesn’t know what he is
talking about, that his ideas are dumb and that his choices are poor. This is very disrespectful.
8.
WRONG
PRIORITIES: Sometimes
women can get caught in the trap of putting the needs of the kids and caring for
the children ahead of the needs of their husbands. These women are over-focused on the kid’s
needs and making the children happy, to the exclusion of their husbands. Often these husbands come home from work and
feel like a third wheel. Mom knows and
understands the children better than he and he is an outsider in his own
home. When the wife over-attaches to the
kids and begins to get her emotional needs filled through them instead of
through the husband, the marriage is doomed.
Husband and wife may still live together out of convenience but it is
hardly a marriage. The husband should
feel like he is the wife’s number one priority, the kids are second. her job, her ministry, her parents, her sisters, her friends, her hobbies, etc.
should come after him an the kids.
STOP HERE AND LISTEN IN PRAYER – What does Jesus want to say to you about your
past actions in this area? What does
this look like in your life (not your husband’s life).
STOP HERE AND LISTEN IN PRAYER – Write a prayer of confession for each of the
areas where the HS convicted you. Ask
the Lord to show you how to make amends for this wrongdoing.
Let’s go back to our Key Verses for today
– Gal. 5:16-26
ESV: 16 But
I say, walk by the Spirit,
and you will not gratify the
desires of the flesh.17 For the
desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the
Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to
keep you from doing the things you want to do. 18 But
if you are led
by the Spirit, you
are not under the law. 19 Now the
works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, 20 idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of
anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, 21 envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these.
I warn you, as I warned you before, that those
who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. 22 But the
fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against
such things there is no law. 24 And
those who belong to Christ Jesus have
crucified the flesh with its passions
and desires. 25 If we live by the Spirit, let
us also keep in step with
the Spirit. 26 Let
us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.
·
God’s ideal for our
marriage is that it is filled with the fruit of the Spirit - Love, Joy, Peace,
Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self Control
·
So, how do we move
from being full of the DESIRES OF THE FLESH to being full of the FRUIT OF THE
SPIRIT?
·
KEY
– if we want to fruit of the Spirit in our lives we need to keep in step with
the Spirit (v. 25)
-
One of our objectives as
Christians is to become sensitive to the Holy Spirit
-
We need to learn how to hear His
voice (listening prayer)
-
We must obey the promptings that
He gives us
-
He wants to guide us and produce
good fruit in our lives but it won’t happen automatically
-
I know of people who have been
Christians for 20+ years and have very little fruit in their lives because they
are not keeping in step with the Spirit
How do you walk
with the Spirit?
1. Get rid of all known sin in your life (v. 19-21 does
not limit the list)
¾
God expects holiness
among His people
¾
Every time you are
demanding of your husband, every time you manipulate him, gossip about him, are
angry toward him (even if it’s a subtle form) or judge him – you are sinning
and you need to confess this
¾
If you intentionally
ignore known sin in your life, even in the smallest
areas, you open yourself up to demonic strongholds because of your rebellion
against God
¾
1 Sam. 15:23 – Rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft
¾
Rebellion (ongoing
sin) insults Christ’s great sacrifice on the cross – Jesus paid a huge price, a
torturous cross and abandonment by God, for what? To set you free from sin, to deliver you from
bondage, to help you to walk according to His ways and not dealing with your
sin is the greatest insult to Him
¾
This is not just
about your actions, you need to deal with your negative emotions and deal with
your attitudes – confess them!
2. Get into the Word
¾
The word is so
important. Why?
¾
for knowing God
¾
it shows you how to
live - the Bible tells us how to conduct our day to day lives so that we are
not living in sin which separates us from God
¾
Yet it is much more
than a manual for life, it
i.
tells us who God is (you need to
know that in order to live victorious through difficult circumstances)
ii.
Tells us who Jesus is (we need to
know this in order to let Him lead our lives)
iii.
It tells us about Heaven (how can
we endure trouble in this life if we aren’t looking forward to the next life?)
iv.
It tells us about the End Times
(this will radically change how you live your life, root out selfishness from
our life, get your focus off yourself and on to God)
v.
It teaches us how to Hear God
vi.
It teaches us how to fully
surrender to God
¾
It serves to act as a
love letter to us, so we can truly KNOW Him
3. Prayer
¾
Why pray?
¾
to get to know God!
¾
for finding out His
plans so you can obey them (Jesus is not the functional Lord of your life if
you are not praying and listening about all areas of your life – marriage,
home, money, vacations, parenting, jobs, ministries, etc. )
¾
many Christians talk
about Jesus, very few let Him lead their lives
¾
Jesus is active
today, but He will not force Himself into your life, He waits for you to ask
Him to take the rightful place as owner of your life
¾
Prayer is also for
bringing about God’s purposes here on earth
¾
Our prayers are the
means by which God brings about His will on earth
¾
Many people pray, “O
Lord…blah, blah, blah…if it’s your will…Amen”
¾
You can actually know
God’s will and pray it into being – that’s why we listen in prayer
¾
How can you make
decisions without asking God about it first, finding out if it’s His will?
4. Minister to your family
¾
Marriage is the
foundational unit of society, it was created before government and before the
church. Your husband is to take top priority in your life, then your kids, then other things such as your parents, your sisters, your friends, your job, your hobbies, etc.
¾
The most important
role you will ever play is that of “wife” and then the role of “mother”
¾
This trumps
everything else
¾
By far the majority
of a child’s character development and spiritual training will happen in the
home
¾
The Bible places the
spiritual responsibility for raising
godly kids on the shoulders of parents, not the church, not the school
¾
But parents who are
not walking closely with God themselves will never impact their kids for the
kingdom
¾
If you want to be a
good parent, if you want to be a good wife – you need to walk closely with
Jesus, read the Word, pray, let Him lead and guide your life
¾
Don’t wait for your
husband – when you meet Jesus one day you will not be able to excuse your lack
of personal spiritual growth by saying, “but I was just waiting for my husband,
I wanted to volunteer, I wanted to go to Encounter/Empower, I wanted to love Jesus
more, but I was waiting for my husband”
¾
CAVEAT: Jesus will show you how you can walk
ahead spiritually without causing problems in your marriage, He can show you
how to live out a dynamic spiritual life without turning your husband off from
Jesus – do you trust Jesus to guide you, are you willing to depend fully on
Him? Or are you using your husband as an
excuse to stay apathetic, complacent and lukewarm? Rev. 3:16 says that God will vomit people
like this out of his mouth
5. Minister in the Church
¾
Get involved in the
life of the church through serving
¾
The church is
Christ’s body – it’s not enough to merely attend on the weekend or attend a cell,
if you want to one with Christ, be part of His body by contributing
¾
there is no job too
small, God values ALL positions of ministry, there are so many positions where
you can get involved here at Southland there really are no good excuses not to
¾
If you are not
willing to be involved in Christ’s body, what does that say about your
relationship with God?
STOP HERE AND LISTEN IN PRAYER – What does Jesus want to say to you about this
area in your life?
STOP HERE AND LISTEN IN PRAYER – Write a prayer of commitment to the Lord
telling Him that you will follow through on what He has shown you today.
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