BOUNDARIES Part Four: Boundaries and Your Friends

God made us as social beings with a desire for friendship and companionship.  Relationships such as friendships help fulfill needs that God placed inside us.  True intimacy with a friend allows you to share the deepest parts of your heart (your hopes and dreams, your fears and failures, your feelings and frustrations) with someone.  Sometimes friendships are built around work or ministry but our true friends are those who we want to be around just for their own sake.  Whether we realize it or not, our friendships play a huge part in shaping us into who we are today and who we will become in the future.   Yet many women experience boundary conflicts within their friendships which prevent them from experiencing what God designed for these relationships.  As you go through the following scenarios, ask God to show you any tendencies in your life.  Be careful not to point figures as others, this blog post is meant for self-reflection.  Where you can see a bit of yourself in the characters I would encourage you to take the time to work through the prayer questions at the end of the example.    

Example 1

Karen and Suzanne have been friends for years and enjoy many of the same activities.  The problem in their relationship is that they both have difficulty saying “no” to each other.  The realization of this problem came up one weekend when they had two conflicting events that they both enjoyed and wanted to do together.  Due to the conflicting times, they could only choose one activity.  Karen suggested to Suzanne that they do the activity that she thought Suzanne liked better, even though she preferred the other activity.  Suzanne easily agreed, however, she actually also wanted to do the alternate activity.  Neither one realized that they both actually wanted to do the alternate activity so they both ended up doing the activity that neither preferred because no one was willing to speak up and say how she really felt.  The problem with Karen and Suzanne is that they both are afraid of saying or doing something that the other person may not like therefore they both sacrifice their own desires out of guilt and not love.  They struggle being honest with each other.   Many women struggle with similar boundaries because they are afraid of telling their friends the truth.  This creates dissatisfaction in the friendship because each person politely denies their own desires to keep the peace.  Both Karen and Suzanne need to take responsibility for their attempts to please the other and admit that they each try to control the other by being nice.  If you struggle in this area then spend some time in prayer about it.  Ask Jesus to show you places in your relationships where you are sacrificing out of guilt/fear of hurting someone instead of out of true biblical love.  Then, seek direction from on Lord on how to receive healing from this tendency and ask Him to show you the truth about sacrificial love.  Pray that the Holy Spirit would reveal truth to you as you figure out a new normal in your relationships. 

Example 2

Julia has been friends with Abby for years.  Abby has a strong personality and has become very good at getting what she wants from Julia.  What starts as an innocent favor sometimes turns into a firm expectation – such as babysitting her kids.  Julia often just gives in because she feels like she can’t disagree.  If Abby is having a problem she has no problem running to Julia and dumping on her for three hours.  The expectation is that Julia will just drop everything and give her the three hours that she needs whenever Abby needs it without consideration being given to Julia’s time.  When Julia shares a problem Abby is often quick to offer a solution and tell her what she should do.  Sometimes Julia feels like she needs to do everything Abby’s way, just to keep the peace.  The reality is that both of these ladies have boundary issues.  Julia struggles to set clear limits on the friendship and Abby struggles respecting Julia’s limits.  In this case Julia needs to see that she is not a victim of Abby but rather she is voluntarily giving up power to Abby by not setting boundaries.  She needs to realize that giving in and appeasing Abby is not working in their relationship.  Abby needs to realize that she needs to listen to Julia’s concerns and accept her limits, taking responsibility for controlling her friend.  This friendship needs to be renegotiated in order to become healthy.  If you see a bit of Abby or Julia in yourself then spend some time praying about it.  If you resemble Julia, ask the Lord to show you why you struggle with setting clear boundaries with your friends and ask Him to show you what would be a few good boundaries to set.  Pray that God would show you when boundaries issues arise and that you would be willing to take them to Him and seek His guidance for each one.  If you are more like Abby, ask Jesus to show you why you struggle with respecting other people’s boundaries.  Ask Him to bring to mind several examples of how you cross people’s boundaries and seek forgiveness for this.  Pray that you would learn to respect other people and their point of view.  Pray that the Holy  Spirit would reveal truth to you as you figure out how to navigate your relationships in a godly way. 

Example 3

When Darlene forgot Myra’s birthday, Myra got a bit upset.  They had been friends for a while and celebrating important events was really important to Myra.  When Myra mentioned something to Darlene, she responds, “It makes me feel sad that you would think I would forget your birthday, I should have told you of the great personal stress I am facing at the moment - but you see I didn’t want to trouble you. You are right I should have put all this pain (don’t be surprised to see real tears at this point) aside and focused on your birthday. Sorry."  Wow, was Myra ever blindsided by Darlene’s emotional blackmail!  A few weeks later, Myra asks Darlene to watch her kids so that she can go to a dentist appointment.  Darlene responds with yes but includes a bunch of heavy sighs, or other non-verbal signs that she doesn’t really want to do it. When Myra withdraws the request then Darlene is quick to make is sound that she wanted to do it and that Myra is being unreasonable.   In this relationship Myra doesn’t really feel like she can share her personal problems because no matter what she shares Darlene always is going through something similar or even worse and manages to end up steering the conversation to her troubles, leaving Myra in the dark.  In fact, the more Myra thinks of it, Darlene often is in crisis, often due to her poor planning, and Myra is stuck bailing her out.  Myra is beginning to feel used and exploited.  Darlene, without even being aware of what she is doing, has become a pro at manipulating and using Myra.  So what’s the problem here?  Darlene has never had to face her shortcomings and problems because she has always managed to find a way to blame others or rope nice people into helping her.  But Myra has also struggled with hurting other people when she sets boundaries and tends to avoid conflicts with her friends.  Myra needs to take responsibility for how she has come to Darlene’s rescue time and time again.  She needs to stop feeling like the victim and take responsibility for saying “no” and then follow through on those “no’s”.  If you see a bit of Myra in you, ask the Lord to show you can love others by helping them learn to take responsibility for their own lives and how you can learn to avoid rescuing people from the consequences of their choices.  Ask the Lord to show you the necessary boundaries you need to have in our friendships so that you can show godly love to others.  If you sense that you may be more like Darlene, ask the Lord to show you areas in your life where you blame others for your feelings or circumstances. Ask Him to help you learn to take responsibility for your feelings and your actions and to learn to respect other people’s boundaries.  Pray that you would learn to grow in loving others in a godly way. 

Example 4

Gloria was troubled by her friendship with Rhonda.  She had asked Rhonda to go out for coffee with her but Rhonda was busy.  Once again, Gloria had taken the initiative. Once again, she was disappointed.  Gloria was frustrated that Rhonda never called her to arrange activities.  What was with that?  Gloria was sick of doing all the work in the relationship while Rhonda just coasted along.  This was leading to her feeling frustrated and resentful while Rhonda had no clue that there was even a problem.  Gloria was hurt that the friendship wasn’t as important to Rhonda as it was to her.  Gloria felt unimportant however Rhonda could be feeling overwhelmed by her friend’s demands.  From an early age, Gloria had learned that she needed to control important attachments by dong all the work, or she’d be abandoned.  So, she over attached to people and clung to them.   Gloria is taking too much responsibility for the friendship, not letting her friend bear her own load.  Rhonda is not taking enough responsibility for the friendship because she knows that Gloria will do everything.  Why do the work when someone else will do it for you?  Gloria needs to take responsibility for making it too easy for Rhonda to do nothing.  Gloria needs to tell Rhonda that she needs to take equal responsibility for their friendship in the future and then give Rhonda time to be the one to initiate activities.  Gloria will need to give Rhonda the space needed to miss her and begin calling her.  If Rhonda continues to be unresponsive then Gloria will need to grieve the relationship and move on to finding new friends, being careful to not over attach and start this cycle over again.  If you see that you are like Gloria in some of your friendships, ask the Lord what He wants to say to you about your tendency to over attach to friends.  Ask Him to help show you where this started and to bring healing to your heart so that you can be more balanced in your relationships.  If you are more like Rhonda in that you tend to coast along in relationships without putting in the necessary work to make the relationship flourish, ask the Lord to help you learn to love and cherish friendships and people and to see the value of positive friendships.  Pray that you would learn to see the needs of others and that you would not be blinded by your own desires, needs and wants. 

Conclusion

Some people falsely believe that they can’t try to solve their friendship boundary issue because it will put the friendship at greater risk for breaking up.  This shows a misunderstanding about relationships.  It is when boundary issues are dealt with properly that people actually have a greater ability to grow healthy dynamic relationships and deeper friendships.  Remaining in a friendship that lacks boundaries will only lead to resentment, frustration and a greater risk of damaging or breaking up the relationship.  Learning to set healthy boundaries can lead to friendships where you feel safe and cherished as well as loved and not befriended out of obligation or being used.  Yes, it is true that someone can walk away from a friendship at any time; however, the bonds of true friendship are not easily broken.  In good relationships we must learn to set limits that strengthen, not injure, our relationships. 

NOTE:  What if Your Family is your Closest Friend?

What happens when your family (mother, father, sister or brother) is your best friend?  Some people misunderstand that the biblical function of family is to be an incubator in which we grow the maturity, tools and abilities we need to function as independent adults.  The Bible encourages adult children to leave the nest, connect to the outside world and to establish a spiritual and emotional family system on their own.  Staying emotionally locked in to your family of origin frustrates this purpose.  No one can become a truly biblical adult without setting some limits, leaving home and cleaving somewhere else.  Can family be friends?  Absolutely!  But proper boundaries and limits need to be put in place so that you have an adult-to-adult connection with your family.  If you have no other “best friends” than your family, you need to take a close look at those relationships. 

Recommended Reading:  Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

BOUNDARIES Part Three: Boundaries and Your Family

Many adults have problems with setting proper boundaries in their family of origin (the family you grew up in).  At times, adult children can feel pressure to do what their parents want them to do and can feel guilty when they don’t.  In cases like this the person is still emotionally attached to their parents and does not have the freedom that they should have, as an adult, to make their own choices.  People who have healthy boundaries do not feel guilty when they make choices about their lives.  Yes, they do take other people into consideration but they choose out of love, not guilt, and don’t feel like they have to avoid being bad or disappointing their parents. 

As you go through the following examples, please remember that the intent of this is for self-reflection only.  You are to look at your own life and avoid pointing fingers.  This is about you growing in your personal walk with God by learning about healthy boundaries in relationships.  You can’t change others, only yourself.  If you read any of the following examples and see other people and that gets you mad or frustrated, then that is also a sign of a personal boundary issue.  As you read the examples you may not see yourself in any of them.  This is where the listening prayer questions at the end become critical.  The Holy Spirit can reveal as we take the time to listen in prayer, asking Him to show us the truth. 

Example 1: 

Karen does not have good emotional boundaries with the family she grew up in.  When she has contact with them on the phone she becomes depressed, argumentative, self-critical, perfectionistic, angry, combative or withdrawn.  She ends up taking these emotions out on her husband and kids.  Her family of origin has the power to affect her immediate family.  One sure sign of a boundary problem is when your relationship with one person has the power to affect your relationship with others. 

Example 2:

When Suzanne is around her father he criticizes her and she works harder in order to try to earn his approval.  In doing this, Suzanne practically ignores the needs of her husband, who is starting to feel like she cares more about her dad then she does about him.  He is sick of getting the leftovers and that his wife’s allegiance is really with her dad and not with him.  Suzanne hasn’t completed the process of leaving and cleaving to her spouse which is why she has a boundary problem with her parents.  Leaving and cleaving does not mean that people can’t have relationships with their parents after they marry but they do need to set a boundary with their family of origin.  Many marriages struggle because of a failure to do this.  For a marriage to work, each spouse must loosen their ties with their parents and forge new ones with their mate. 

Example 3:

John and Kathy own a nice home, go on nice vacations, have their kids in sports and music lessons and look fairly successful on the outside.  But there is one problem – their lifestyle is not supported by John’s paycheque as they receive much financial help from John’s family.  John’s parents have always wanted the best for him and they always helped him get it.  They contributed to the house, the vacations and the children’s hobbies.  Periodic bailouts from John’s parents cut into John’s self-respect and Kathy doesn’t feel like she could spend any money without permission from her in-laws.  This is a clear boundary issue.  Although John is an adult physically he is not yet an adult financially.  In this case, John is not sure if he wants to forsake the gifts and handouts for a greater sense of independence.  On the other hand, many parents financially bail their adult kids out of financial messes that were made by their adult children’s irresponsibility.  This cripples children for life, preventing them from achieving independence.  An adult who does not stand on his own financially is still a child. 

Example 4:

Sally is married with three children but she is dependent on her mother for certain life management functions.  She often hangs out at her mom’s house with the kids, vacations with them, drops off laundry and eats meals there.  Her mom is her closest confidant as she shares “everything” with her.  When she needs help with housework or with the kids, her mom is proud to “always be there for her.” On the outside it looks like a nice close family but upon a closer look one can see that this family is actually “enmeshed” where Sally has not separated from her mom with clear boundaries.  It may not look like a problem to many people because Sally and her mom get along so well and both enjoy their relationship however Sally’s other adult relationships may be dysfunctional.  She may not be able to have close adult female friends and her relationship with her husband is probably suffering.  Sally is not taking responsibility for her daily load and is actually living in perpetual adolescence where she is still under parental protection. All the while her mom is acting as a co-dependent.   

Example 5:

A common problem in families with boundary issues is triangulation.  It goes something like this:  Sarah is angry at Mary.  Sarah does not tell Mary but instead calls Kathleen and gripes about Mary.  Kathleen enjoys Sarah’s confidence and listens whenever Sarah wants to play the triangle game.  This is a boundary issue because the third person (Kathleen) has no business in the conflict but is being used for comfort and validation by Sarah.  This actually will also hurt Kathleen’s relationship with Mary because she is getting one-sided gossip without Mary having the chance to tell her side of the story.  Triangulation is a common problem in families of origin when one family member calls another family member to talk about a third family member.  These destructive patterns keep people dysfunctional.  Scripture is clear that you are to deal with the person you are in conflict with directly (Prov. 28:23; Lev. 19:17; Matt. 5:23-24; Matt. 18:15).  Never say to a third party something about someone that you do not plan to say to the person herself!

Example 6:

Some children have learned to take responsibility for their parents, who are stuck in childish patterns of irresponsibility. The Bible teaches that children should take care of their elderly parents but in this case we are taking about parents who are acting irresponsibly and are being demanding and controlling.  These kinds of parents need to take care of their own needs, physical, financial and emotional. Children need to have the freedom to decide how to care for their parents out of love and not guilt.  Children who help parents who are stuck in childish patterns of irresponsible behaviour are co-dependent and need to learn to set healthy boundaries. 

Example 7:

Sheryl is in her mid-twenties and is still living at home.  From the time she was a child her parents have always given her everything that she needed.  Now, as an adult, she has had the inability to find a job that she really likes and is often unemployed, giving a variety of reasons for her inability to work.  Even though Sheryl is living at home and not working, she rarely helps with the chores.  Her parents both work and then come home to clean the house, make the meals, pay the bills and even sometimes do her laundry.  Sheryl is getting a free ride.  It is easy to be critical of Sheryl but the real problem lies with her parents.  Sheryl can pretty much do whatever she wants, no problem.  The parents pay, fret, worry, plan and exert energy to keep her going but she doesn’t have a problem because her parents have taken it from her.  Sheryl’s parents lack boundaries and she is taking full advantage.  Her irresponsibility is being rewarded by her parents when they carry her load. 

Conclusion

As you read the examples you may have seen a lot of boundary issues in your life.  Don’t let this get you down.  Exposure is the first step, Jesus has known these things about you and your family all along and He has shown you for a reason, because He loves you and wants to help make you healthy and whole.  God is good and He knows exactly how to help you learn to establish proper boundaries.  Don’t be rash in trying to change your entire life in a week.  Trust Him and pray through steps of obedience.  Let Him speak to you today and encourage you. 

Listening Prayer:

1. Ask the Holy Spirit to show you a time when as an adult you either felt pressured by your parents or made a decision out of guilt. 

     a. Ask Jesus to reveal any lie(s) that you believed in this situation

     b, Ask Jesus to speak truth into this situation

     c. Confess that you believed the lie(s) and not the truth

     d. Forgive yourself and any person that wronged you in this situation

     e. Thank Jesus for the love and care that He has for you! 

2. Which of the boundaries examples could you relate to and why?  What does Jesus want to say to you about this boundary issue in your family of origin?  You may wish to go through the steps in Question 1 for this issue as well. 

3. What is the next step for you to find healing and freedom from the boundary issues in your family of origin? 

4. What does Jesus want to say to you about the freedom that He desires to give you through setting boundaries in your family of origin?  What would that freedom feel like for you? 

5. Is there anything else that Jesus wants to talk to you about today?

Recommended Reading:  Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

BOUNDARIES Part Two: Four Types of People

Introduction

So often it is hard to say “no” when people ask things of us and when we struggle to say “no” then that opens the door for others to advantage of us. But saying “no” is only one type of boundary issue.  There are actually four categories of boundary issues that people can struggle with - Compliant, Avoidant, Controlling, and Non-responsive. As you go through each one, ask yourself where you struggle.  The four categories may seem like they are extremes but if we look deep enough we can often find that there is a bit of at least 1 or 2 of these characteristics in our own relationships.  While we consider each of these we should try to figure out which one we struggle with and what would be a more biblical way of living.

Compliants

Compliants simply allow others to walk all over them by giving in to what other people want because they

don’t want to rock the boat or because they may have fear or guilt about hurting someone’s feelings. Sometime they can’t say “no” because they fear abandonment, or fear that someone will get mad at them, or even that they will be seen as being selfish.  They often feel a lot of guilt when they say “no”.  What is happening here is that these people are being led by a fear of man instead of a fear of God.  If you struggle in this area then it is important that you get in the habit of listening in prayer, asking Jesus what He requires of you and ask Him to help you not to worry or feel guilty about obeying what He says. 

Avoidants

Those who are avoidant tend to keep their struggles inside and really find it hard to ask for help by letting others in.  They don’t want to be seen as weak so they dare not give an honest answer to the question, “How are you?”  Avoidants often feel like their problems and legitimate struggles are bad or shameful and so they have a hard time asking for help when they actually need it.  Some are unwilling to accept the love and care that others want to give them, when they are justifiably in need, because they fear that this would be selfish in comparison to those out there who have greater needs.  The walls that these people put up are very strong and these people need to learn to open up and let people in because it is not wrong to have a need or show vulnerability.  Often these people can actually be empty inside but after a while they just get used to the emptiness and don’t even recognize it anymore or even see that they are in desperate need of help.  The wall has become so strong that no one can enter in, but as a result, they can’t get out either.  If you struggle in this area then it is important that you get in the habit of listening in prayer and asking Jesus how to learn to break your walls down, little by little, and how to learn to become vulnerable with people. 

Controllers

Controlling people have difficulty recognizing and respecting the boundaries of others. When someone says “no”, these people hear “maybe” or “yes”.  The primary problem here is that these people resist taking responsibility for their own lives and try to give it to others instead.  They use various means to of control to make others carry the load intended by God to be theirs alone by making it appear as a burden that needs to be shouldered by others as well.  Aggressive controllers blatantly run over the boundaries of others like a tank over a fence. These people set their minds on how life should be and then try to make the world fin into their ideas as if theirs is the only “correct” way to live.  In this they neglect their own responsibility to accept others as they are.  If you struggle with being an aggressive controller then it is important that you repent of treating people this way and ask the Lord to show you how other people’s opinions are valid, even if you don’t agree.  Ask God to help you accept what others are saying instead of trying to change them.  The other kind of controller is the manipulative controller who tries to persuade others or talk people into a “yes”.  They can manipulate people into carrying their burdens and can use guilt messages to get their way.  If you struggle with manipulating others to get your way you need to spend some time repenting and taking responsibility for your actions and ask Jesus to help you accept other limits.  Both types of controllers need to ask Jesus to help them learn to love people and not be self-seeking in their love. 

Non-responsive

Some people go through life seemingly indifferent about the needs of others.  They may have the attitude that everyone should learn to handle it by him/herself.  They often appear strong but in relationships they are actually cold.  When others express their needs, these people don’t seem to hear them at all; they shrug it off as if the need was a nuisance with which they can’t be bothered.  They are quick to point out that they are not responsible for the needs of others without realizing that they are to help others carry heavy burdens that they cannot shoulder themselves.  By refusing to help, these people are equally wrong as those that take too much responsibility for others.  Some of these people struggle with having a critical spirit toward others while many are just so absorbed by their own desires that there is simply no space for the needs of others.  If you struggle in this area then you need to repent of your lack of care and disobedience to God in this way and then ask God to show you a person in your life that has a legitimate need, praying about how God wants you to help this person. 

Conclusion

Remember when we talked about loads and burdens in part one of this Blog series?  According to Galatians 6:2 we are to help each other carrying the huge burdens that life occasionally throws at us. But Galatians 6:5 reminds us to carry our daily loads ourselves. Compliants always find themselves carrying the daily loads of others because they can’t say no, while Controllers try to make others carry their daily loads. In contrast to that Avoidants attempt to shoulder even the heaviest burdens themselves because they have difficulty saying yes to help, while Non-responsives even refuse to help when the other’s burden clearly becomes unbearable.

When we learn to see what areas we tend to struggle in then we are on the path to becoming healthier in our relationships.  This brings glory to God!  In order to set and maintain appropriate boundaries we must understand our own deficiencies and trust the Lord to show us what steps we need to take to become healthier through listening prayer.  Take these things to God in your devo’s and see what He will show you!


Recommended Reading:  Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

BOUNDARIES Part One: Who's Responsible for What

I have met many women who are disenchanted with their lives.  When they get up in the morning, they know that the Lord promised a life of fullness and joy but they dread their day. Between marriages that have lost their spark to the strong-willed child that is constantly badgering them, these women live with cobwebs in their minds and walls in their hearts.  There is guilt for needing to diet and exercise, anger for traffic that doesn't cooperate, resentment towards friends or family members who act irresponsibly, frustration for their friend’s constant crises, guilt for not volunteering more at church, bitterness towards the kids when they misbehave and offence towards a husband who is immature and emotionally detached. Between exhaustion and loneliness these women are trying to live life the right way but aren't getting rewarded for their efforts.  They are trying to be good wives and mothers but life just isn't working out.  The result is deep spiritual and emotional pain from isolation, helplessness, confusion, guilt and an overwhelming sense that life is out of control! 

In these situations trying harder isn't going to work.  Just being nicer or more loving isn't going to work either.  The main issue here is learning how to take responsibility or ownership.  This means knowing what is OUR job and knowing what ISN'T!   Many women, in order to avoid conflict, end up taking on problems that they were never supposed to take on showing a lack of boundaries.  This is one of the most serious problems facing Christian families today.  Many sincere, dedicated believers struggle with setting biblically appropriate limits.  This has led to symptoms such as depression, anxiety, guilt, shame, panic as well as marital and relational struggles.   

We are responsible TO OTHERS and FOR OURSELVES.  So what does this actually mean?  First, it means that you know what you are to take ownership of and what you are to take responsibility for.  It also means that you know what you do NOT have to take responsibility for and what you do NOT have to take ownership of – these are the responsibilities of others.  Problems arise when people carry other people’s loads. 

But doesn't the Bible say that we are to “carry each other’s burdens” (Gal. 6:2, NIV)?  Yes it does, but three verses later it also says, “Each one should carry their own load” (Gal. 6:5, NIV).  So what is the difference between a burden and a load? 

A burden is something that is in excess, it’s very heavy and weighing a person down.  People should not be expected to carry burdens by themselves.  A burden is often a crisis or tragedy, for example, the loss of a baby, the death of a spouse, a tragic accident or illness, etc.    We are expected to help others carry these burdens. 

A load is more along the lines of daily toil or the daily things that we all need to do.  These we are expected to carry on our own.  This includes household tasks, keeping a job, paying bills as well as things such as feelings, attitudes and behaviours.    A problem occurs when we begin to carry these loads for others.  Doing this goes against the law of sowing and reaping which is written just a few verses later in Galatians;  “A man reaps what he sows” (Gal. 6:7, NIV). 

So, what are YOU responsible for and what are you NOT responsible for? 

Feelings

Feelings have often been misunderstood by Christians.  Too often people make bad decisions because of hurt feelings.  We can’t ignore our feelings yet at the same time, we can’t use them to make decisions.  The bible teaches us to “own” our feelings and to be aware of them because they often point to problems.  Feelings come from your heart and often tell you the state of your relationships.  They can tell you if things are going well or if there is a problem.  But your feelings are your responsibility and you must own them and begin to find the answer to whatever issue they are pointing too.  You cannot blame your feelings on others but rather take them to the Lord in prayer and ask Him to show you the real root and problem in your heart which they are pointing to.    

Attitudes

Often we don’t see the connection between our attitudes and our troubles in life, instead we blame others.  We must own our attitudes because they belong to us.   We are the ones who feel their effect and we are the only ones who can change them.  We must take our wrong attitudes to the Lord in prayer and ask Him to show us the character deficits that cause them and then repent.   

Behaviours

Scripture clearly states that there is a connection between sowing and reaping.  If we exercise we will get healthy; if we overeat we will get fat.  If we are rude and mean to someone the relationship will become fractured.  The problem comes when someone interrupts the law of sowing and reaping in another’s life.  A person’s wrong behaviour should have consequences. To rescue people from the natural consequences of their behaviour is to render them powerless to change.  When parents nag and constantly remind instead of allowing their kids to reap the natural consequences of their behaviour those children don’t learn to act responsibility.  When people come to the rescue of their friends by constantly bailing them out of trouble they produce irresponsible adults.  When individuals ignore sexual sin, lying, cheating, stealing, etc. and cover these things up for their friends or family members they are enabling them to continue in a life of irresponsibility and sin.   We must ask Jesus to show us where the law of sowing and reaping is out of alignment with His Word in our lives.  He will show us if we are being rescued when we should be carrying our own load and if we are falling into the trap of rescuing others. 

Choices

we need to take responsibility for our choices!  A common boundary problem is disowning choices and trying to lay the responsibility for them on someone else.    You are the one who ultimately decides how to live your life.  You are the one who must live with the consequences of these choices, and you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices that will bring you happiness.  Jesus can show us where we haven’t taken responsibility for choices that we need to own and how to do that. 

Values

What we value is what we assign importance to.  If we value family we will choose lots of family activities.  Those who value health and looks will exercise and spend time and money on their appearance.  We must take responsibility for what we value.  Do we value the approval of God or do we value the approval of men?  When we take responsibility for behaviour that stems from valuing things that have no lasting value and confess that we have a heart that values things that will not satisfy we begin on a journey of lasting relationship with God.  Spending time in His Word to learn what He values and praying for our hearts to become aligned with His is part of this process. 

Limits

God does not force people to behave but rather He sets standards, tells us what they are and invites us to be with Him, if we follow those standards.  Heaven is open to all people but only the repentant will live there eternally.  We need to learn to set limits too.  One way to set limits is to limit our exposure to people who are behaving poorly.  We can’t make others change or make them behave but we can limit the time we spend with them.  This is not unloving but rather when we separate ourselves we protect love because we are taking a stand against those things that destroy love.  We need to ask Jesus to show us who we need to set limits with and what these limits will look like. 

Talents

God has given each person talents, spiritual gifts and abilities.  They are clearly our responsibility and we must take ownership of them, including developing them and seeking to grow in them.  We are accountable to exercise our spiritual gifts and talents in a productive way.  It takes work, practice, learning, prayer, resources and grace to use our gifts properly.   Ask Jesus to show you what your talents, spiritual gifts and abilities are and how He wants you to use them for His kingdom. 

Thoughts

Satan loves to plant lies in our thoughts which is one reason why we must own our thoughts and not let wrong thoughts turn into bad attitudes, bad choices or bad behaviours.  This will require us to be continually growing in the knowledge of God and His Word so our thoughts become aligned more closely with His thoughts.  We must admit that often we don’t see things clearly.  Our perceptions are distorted and we need to take ownership of our thinking.  Satan loves to tell women lies such as, “beautiful girls are worth more”, or “I have to perform to be loved and accepted”.  Combatting these lies will require admitting that our perceptions are often wrong and digging into God’s Word to find the truth!

Desires

Each person had different desires, wants, dreams, wishes, goals and plans.  Often these things are built upon self-satisfaction yet so few women are actually fully satisfied in life but rather yearn for things that they don’t have (either material or relational).   Often we desire things out of wrong motives.   We must take responsibility for our desires, wants, dreams, wishes, goals and plans and actively seek how we can submit these things to the Lordship of Christ.  This will require that we listen to Him in prayer with open hearts about our desires and seek His will for our lives. 

Love

Love is one of the greatest gifts that we can give and receive yet many people have difficulty giving and receiving love because of hurt and fear.  Everybody needs an inflow as well as an outflow of love in order to live healthy lives.  Many people have lots of love around them but feel lonely because of their lack of responsiveness to that love.  Our hearts are our own property and we need to take responsibility for that!  If we feel lonely or unloved we need to ask Jesus to show us why.  The answer will probably be less to do with lack of love and more to do with our own personal hurts and hang-ups. 

When you look at the above list it can seem a bit overwhelming.  Each person probably has at least 1 or more area to work on.  If you desire to have godly relationships then it is vitally important to learn what you are responsible for and what you aren’t responsible for and to start living that way.  The possibilities of personal growth are endless – your marriage will be affected and so will your kids as you become a better parent and experience more freedom and joy in all your relationships.  You are the only one who can bring each item to Jesus and let Him show you how to find healing and wholeness as He reveals the truth to you as you grow in relationship with Him. 

Recommended Reading:  Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend