God made us
as social beings with a desire for friendship and companionship. Relationships such as friendships help
fulfill needs that God placed inside us.
True intimacy with a friend allows you to share the deepest parts of
your heart (your hopes and dreams, your fears and failures, your feelings and
frustrations) with someone. Sometimes
friendships are built around work or ministry but our true friends are those
who we want to be around just for their own sake. Whether we realize it or not, our friendships
play a huge part in shaping us into who we are today and who we will become in
the future. Yet many women experience
boundary conflicts within their friendships which prevent them from
experiencing what God designed for these relationships. As you go through the following scenarios,
ask God to show you any tendencies in your life. Be careful not to point figures as others, this
blog post is meant for self-reflection. Where
you can see a bit of yourself in the characters I would encourage you to take
the time to work through the prayer questions at the end of the example.
Example 1
Karen and
Suzanne have been friends for years and enjoy many of the same activities. The problem in their relationship is that
they both have difficulty saying “no” to each other. The realization of this problem came up one
weekend when they had two conflicting events that they both enjoyed and wanted
to do together. Due to the conflicting
times, they could only choose one activity.
Karen suggested to Suzanne that they do the activity that she thought
Suzanne liked better, even though she preferred the other activity. Suzanne easily agreed, however, she actually
also wanted to do the alternate activity.
Neither one realized that they both actually wanted to do the alternate
activity so they both ended up doing the activity that neither preferred because
no one was willing to speak up and say how she really felt. The problem with Karen and Suzanne is that
they both are afraid of saying or doing something that the other person may not
like therefore they both sacrifice their own desires out of guilt and not
love. They struggle being honest with
each other. Many women struggle with
similar boundaries because they are afraid of telling their friends the
truth. This creates dissatisfaction in
the friendship because each person politely denies their own desires to keep
the peace. Both Karen and Suzanne need
to take responsibility for their attempts to please the other and admit that
they each try to control the other by being nice. If you struggle in this area then spend some
time in prayer about it. Ask Jesus to
show you places in your relationships where you are sacrificing out of
guilt/fear of hurting someone instead of out of true biblical love. Then, seek direction from on Lord on how to
receive healing from this tendency and ask Him to show you the truth about sacrificial
love. Pray that the Holy Spirit would
reveal truth to you as you figure out a new normal in your relationships.
Example 2
Julia has
been friends with Abby for years. Abby
has a strong personality and has become very good at getting what she wants
from Julia. What starts as an innocent
favor sometimes turns into a firm expectation – such as babysitting her
kids. Julia often just gives in because
she feels like she can’t disagree. If
Abby is having a problem she has no problem running to Julia and dumping on her
for three hours. The expectation is that
Julia will just drop everything and give her the three hours that she needs
whenever Abby needs it without consideration being given to Julia’s time. When Julia shares a problem Abby is often
quick to offer a solution and tell her what she should do. Sometimes Julia feels like she needs to do
everything Abby’s way, just to keep the peace.
The reality is that both of these ladies have boundary issues. Julia struggles to set clear limits on the
friendship and Abby struggles respecting Julia’s limits. In this case Julia needs to see that she is
not a victim of Abby but rather she is voluntarily giving up power to Abby by
not setting boundaries. She needs to
realize that giving in and appeasing Abby is not working in their
relationship. Abby needs to realize that
she needs to listen to Julia’s concerns and accept her limits, taking
responsibility for controlling her friend. This friendship needs to be renegotiated in
order to become healthy. If you see a
bit of Abby or Julia in yourself then spend some time praying about it. If you resemble Julia, ask the Lord to show
you why you struggle with setting clear boundaries with your friends and ask Him
to show you what would be a few good boundaries to set. Pray that God would show you when boundaries
issues arise and that you would be willing to take them to Him and seek His
guidance for each one. If you are more like
Abby, ask Jesus to show you why you struggle with respecting other people’s
boundaries. Ask Him to bring to mind several
examples of how you cross people’s boundaries and seek forgiveness for
this. Pray that you would learn to
respect other people and their point of view.
Pray that the Holy Spirit would
reveal truth to you as you figure out how to navigate your relationships in a
godly way.
Example 3
When Darlene
forgot Myra’s birthday, Myra got a bit upset.
They had been friends for a while and celebrating important events was
really important to Myra. When Myra
mentioned something to Darlene, she responds, “It makes me feel sad that you
would think I would forget your birthday, I should have told you of the great
personal stress I am facing at the moment - but you see I didn’t want to
trouble you. You are right I should have put all this pain (don’t be surprised
to see real tears at this point) aside and focused on your birthday. Sorry."
Wow, was Myra ever blindsided by Darlene’s emotional blackmail! A few weeks later, Myra asks Darlene to watch
her kids so that she can go to a dentist appointment. Darlene responds with yes but includes a
bunch of heavy sighs, or other non-verbal signs that she doesn’t really want to
do it. When Myra withdraws the request then Darlene is quick to make is sound
that she wanted to do it and that Myra is being unreasonable. In this relationship Myra doesn’t really
feel like she can share her personal problems because no matter what she shares
Darlene always is going through something similar or even worse and manages to
end up steering the conversation to her troubles, leaving Myra in the dark. In fact, the more Myra thinks of it, Darlene
often is in crisis, often due to her poor planning, and Myra is stuck bailing
her out. Myra is beginning to feel used
and exploited. Darlene, without even
being aware of what she is doing, has become a pro at manipulating and using
Myra. So what’s the problem here? Darlene has never had to face her
shortcomings and problems because she has always managed to find a way to blame
others or rope nice people into helping her.
But Myra has also struggled with hurting other people when she sets
boundaries and tends to avoid conflicts with her friends. Myra needs to take responsibility for how she
has come to Darlene’s rescue time and time again. She needs to stop feeling like the victim and
take responsibility for saying “no” and then follow through on those
“no’s”. If you see a bit of Myra in you,
ask the Lord to show you can love others by helping them learn to take responsibility
for their own lives and how you can learn to avoid rescuing people from the
consequences of their choices. Ask the
Lord to show you the necessary boundaries you need to have in our friendships
so that you can show godly love to others.
If you sense that you may be more like Darlene, ask the Lord to show you
areas in your life where you blame others for your feelings or circumstances.
Ask Him to help you learn to take responsibility for your feelings and your
actions and to learn to respect other people’s boundaries. Pray that you would learn to grow in loving
others in a godly way.
Example 4
Gloria was
troubled by her friendship with Rhonda.
She had asked Rhonda to go out for coffee with her but Rhonda was
busy. Once again, Gloria had taken the
initiative. Once again, she was disappointed.
Gloria was frustrated that Rhonda never called her to arrange activities. What was with that? Gloria was sick of doing all the work in the
relationship while Rhonda just coasted along.
This was leading to her feeling frustrated and resentful while Rhonda
had no clue that there was even a problem.
Gloria was hurt that the friendship wasn’t as important to Rhonda as it
was to her. Gloria felt unimportant
however Rhonda could be feeling overwhelmed by her friend’s demands. From an early age, Gloria had learned that
she needed to control important attachments by dong all the work, or she’d be
abandoned. So, she over attached to
people and clung to them. Gloria is taking too much responsibility for
the friendship, not letting her friend bear her own load. Rhonda is not taking enough responsibility
for the friendship because she knows that Gloria will do everything. Why do the work when someone else will do it
for you? Gloria needs to take
responsibility for making it too easy for Rhonda to do nothing. Gloria needs to tell Rhonda that she needs to
take equal responsibility for their friendship in the future and then give
Rhonda time to be the one to initiate activities. Gloria will need to give Rhonda the space
needed to miss her and begin calling her.
If Rhonda continues to be unresponsive then Gloria will need to grieve
the relationship and move on to finding new friends, being careful to not over
attach and start this cycle over again. If
you see that you are like Gloria in some of your friendships, ask the Lord what
He wants to say to you about your tendency to over attach to friends. Ask Him to help show you where this started
and to bring healing to your heart so that you can be more balanced in your
relationships. If you are more like
Rhonda in that you tend to coast along in relationships without putting in the
necessary work to make the relationship flourish, ask the Lord to help you
learn to love and cherish friendships and people and to see the value of
positive friendships. Pray that you
would learn to see the needs of others and that you would not be blinded by
your own desires, needs and wants.
Conclusion
Some people
falsely believe that they can’t try to solve their friendship boundary issue
because it will put the friendship at greater risk for breaking up. This shows a misunderstanding about
relationships. It is when boundary
issues are dealt with properly that people actually have a greater ability to grow
healthy dynamic relationships and deeper friendships. Remaining in a friendship that lacks
boundaries will only lead to resentment, frustration and a greater risk of damaging
or breaking up the relationship. Learning
to set healthy boundaries can lead to friendships where you feel safe and cherished
as well as loved and not befriended out of obligation or being used. Yes, it is true that someone can walk away
from a friendship at any time; however, the bonds of true friendship are not
easily broken. In good relationships we
must learn to set limits that strengthen, not injure, our relationships.
NOTE:
What if Your Family is your Closest Friend?
What happens
when your family (mother, father, sister or brother) is your best friend? Some people misunderstand that the biblical
function of family is to be an incubator in which we grow the maturity, tools
and abilities we need to function as independent adults. The Bible encourages adult children to leave
the nest, connect to the outside world and to establish a spiritual and
emotional family system on their own.
Staying emotionally locked in to your family of origin frustrates this
purpose. No one can become a truly
biblical adult without setting some limits, leaving home and cleaving somewhere
else. Can family be friends? Absolutely!
But proper boundaries and limits need to be put in place so that you
have an adult-to-adult connection with your family. If you have no other “best friends” than your
family, you need to take a close look at those relationships.
Recommended Reading: Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
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