Introduction
So often it
is hard to say “no” when people ask things of us and when we struggle to say “no”
then that opens the door for others to advantage of us. But saying “no” is only
one type of boundary issue. There are
actually four categories of boundary issues that people can struggle with - Compliant,
Avoidant, Controlling, and Non-responsive. As you go through each one, ask
yourself where you struggle. The four categories
may seem like they are extremes but if we look deep enough we can often find
that there is a bit of at least 1 or 2 of these characteristics in our own
relationships. While we consider each of
these we should try to figure out which one we struggle with and what would be
a more biblical way of living.
Compliants
Compliants simply
allow others to walk all over them by giving in to what other people want
because they
don’t want to rock the boat or because they may have fear or guilt
about hurting someone’s feelings. Sometime they can’t say “no” because they
fear abandonment, or fear that someone will get mad at them, or even that they
will be seen as being selfish. They
often feel a lot of guilt when they say “no”.
What is happening here is that these people are being led by a fear of
man instead of a fear of God. If you
struggle in this area then it is important that you get in the habit of
listening in prayer, asking Jesus what He requires of you and ask Him to
help you not to worry or feel guilty about obeying what He says.
Avoidants
Those who
are avoidant tend to keep their struggles inside and really find it hard to ask
for help by letting others in. They don’t
want to be seen as weak so they dare not give an honest answer to the question,
“How are you?” Avoidants often feel like
their problems and legitimate struggles are bad or shameful and so they have a
hard time asking for help when they actually need it. Some are unwilling to accept the love and
care that others want to give them, when they are justifiably in need, because they
fear that this would be selfish in comparison to those out there who have greater
needs. The walls that these people put
up are very strong and these people need to learn to open up and let people in
because it is not wrong to have a need or show vulnerability. Often these people can actually be empty
inside but after a while they just get used to the emptiness and don’t even
recognize it anymore or even see that they are in desperate need of help. The wall has become so strong that no one can
enter in, but as a result, they can’t get out either. If you struggle in this area then it is
important that you get in the habit of listening in prayer and asking Jesus how
to learn to break your walls down, little by little, and how to learn to become
vulnerable with people.
Controllers
Controlling
people have difficulty recognizing and respecting the boundaries of others. When
someone says “no”, these people hear “maybe” or “yes”. The primary problem here is that these people
resist taking responsibility for their own lives and try to give it to others
instead. They use various means to of
control to make others carry the load intended by God to be theirs alone by
making it appear as a burden that needs to be shouldered by others as
well. Aggressive controllers blatantly
run over the boundaries of others like a tank over a fence. These people set
their minds on how life should be and then try to make the world fin into their
ideas as if theirs is the only “correct” way to live. In this they neglect their own responsibility
to accept others as they are. If you
struggle with being an aggressive controller then it is important that you repent
of treating people this way and ask the Lord to show you how other people’s
opinions are valid, even if you don’t agree.
Ask God to help you accept what others are saying instead of trying to
change them. The other kind of
controller is the manipulative controller who tries to persuade others or talk
people into a “yes”. They can manipulate
people into carrying their burdens and can use guilt messages to get their
way. If you struggle with manipulating
others to get your way you need to spend some time repenting and taking responsibility
for your actions and ask Jesus to help you accept other limits. Both types of controllers need to ask Jesus
to help them learn to love people and not be self-seeking in their love.
Non-responsive
Some people go
through life seemingly indifferent about the needs of others. They may have the attitude that everyone
should learn to handle it by him/herself.
They often appear strong but in relationships they are actually
cold. When others express their needs,
these people don’t seem to hear them at all; they shrug it off as if the need
was a nuisance with which they can’t be bothered. They are quick to point out that they are not
responsible for the needs of others without realizing that they are to help
others carry heavy burdens that they cannot shoulder themselves. By refusing to help, these people are equally
wrong as those that take too much responsibility for others. Some of these people struggle with having a
critical spirit toward others while many are just so absorbed by their own
desires that there is simply no space for the needs of others. If you struggle in this area then you need to
repent of your lack of care and disobedience to God in this way and then ask
God to show you a person in your life that has a legitimate need, praying about
how God wants you to help this person.
Conclusion
Remember
when we talked about loads and burdens in part one of this Blog series? According to Galatians 6:2 we are to help
each other carrying the huge burdens that life occasionally throws at us. But
Galatians 6:5 reminds us to carry our daily loads ourselves. Compliants always find
themselves carrying the daily loads of others because they can’t say no, while Controllers
try to make others carry their daily loads. In contrast to that Avoidants attempt
to shoulder even the heaviest burdens themselves because they have difficulty saying
yes to help, while Non-responsives even refuse to help when the other’s burden clearly
becomes unbearable.
When we
learn to see what areas we tend to struggle in then we are on the path to becoming
healthier in our relationships. This brings
glory to God! In order to set and
maintain appropriate boundaries we must understand our own deficiencies and
trust the Lord to show us what steps we need to take to become healthier
through listening prayer. Take these
things to God in your devo’s and see what He will show you!
Recommended Reading: Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
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