I have met many women who are disenchanted with their lives. When they get up in the morning, they know
that the Lord promised a life of fullness and joy but they dread their day.
Between marriages that have lost their spark to the strong-willed child that is
constantly badgering them, these women live with cobwebs in their minds and
walls in their hearts. There is guilt
for needing to diet and exercise, anger for traffic that doesn't cooperate, resentment
towards friends or family members who act irresponsibly, frustration for their friend’s
constant crises, guilt for not volunteering more at church, bitterness towards
the kids when they misbehave and offence towards a husband who is immature and
emotionally detached. Between exhaustion and loneliness these women are trying
to live life the right way but aren't getting rewarded for their efforts. They are trying to be good wives and mothers
but life just isn't working out. The
result is deep spiritual and emotional pain from isolation, helplessness, confusion,
guilt and an overwhelming sense that life is out of control!
In these situations trying harder isn't going to work. Just being nicer or more loving isn't going
to work either. The main issue here is learning
how to take responsibility or ownership.
This means knowing what is OUR job and knowing what ISN'T! Many
women, in order to avoid conflict, end up taking on problems that they were
never supposed to take on showing a lack of boundaries. This is one of the most serious problems
facing Christian families today. Many
sincere, dedicated believers struggle with setting biblically appropriate
limits. This has led to symptoms such as
depression, anxiety, guilt, shame, panic as well as marital and relational struggles.
But doesn't the Bible say that we are to “carry each other’s
burdens” (Gal. 6:2, NIV)? Yes it does,
but three verses later it also says, “Each one should carry their own load” (Gal.
6:5, NIV). So what is the difference
between a burden and a load?
A burden is something that is in excess, it’s very heavy and
weighing a person down. People should not
be expected to carry burdens by themselves.
A burden is often a crisis or tragedy, for example, the loss of a baby,
the death of a spouse, a tragic accident or illness, etc. We
are expected to help others carry these burdens.
A load is more along the lines of daily toil or the daily
things that we all need to do. These we
are expected to carry on our own. This
includes household tasks, keeping a job, paying bills as well as things such as
feelings, attitudes and behaviours. A problem occurs when we begin to carry these
loads for others. Doing this goes against
the law of sowing and reaping which is written just a few verses later in
Galatians; “A man reaps what he sows” (Gal.
6:7, NIV).
So, what are YOU responsible for and what are you NOT
responsible for?
Feelings
Feelings have often been misunderstood by
Christians. Too often people make bad
decisions because of hurt feelings. We
can’t ignore our feelings yet at the same time, we can’t use them to make
decisions. The bible teaches us to “own”
our feelings and to be aware of them because they often point to problems. Feelings come from your heart and often tell
you the state of your relationships. They
can tell you if things are going well or if there is a problem. But your feelings are your responsibility and
you must own them and begin to find the answer to whatever issue they are
pointing too. You cannot blame your feelings
on others but rather take them to the Lord in prayer and ask Him to show you the
real root and problem in your heart which they are pointing to.
Attitudes
Often we don’t see the connection between our
attitudes and our troubles in life, instead we blame others. We must own our attitudes because they belong
to us. We are the ones who feel their effect and we
are the only ones who can change them. We
must take our wrong attitudes to the Lord in prayer and ask Him to show us the
character deficits that cause them and then repent.
Behaviours
Scripture clearly states that there is a
connection between sowing and reaping. If
we exercise we will get healthy; if we overeat we will get fat. If we are rude and mean to someone the relationship
will become fractured. The problem comes
when someone interrupts the law of sowing and reaping in another’s life. A person’s wrong behaviour should have
consequences. To rescue people from the natural consequences of their behaviour
is to render them powerless to change. When
parents nag and constantly remind instead of allowing their kids to reap the
natural consequences of their behaviour those children don’t learn to act responsibility. When people come to the rescue of their
friends by constantly bailing them out of trouble they produce irresponsible
adults. When individuals ignore sexual
sin, lying, cheating, stealing, etc. and cover these things up for their friends
or family members they are enabling them to continue in a life of irresponsibility
and sin. We must ask Jesus to show us where the law of
sowing and reaping is out of alignment with His Word in our lives. He will show us if we are being rescued when
we should be carrying our own load and if we are falling into the trap of
rescuing others.
Choices
we need to take responsibility for our
choices! A common boundary problem is
disowning choices and trying to lay the responsibility for them on someone
else. You are the one who ultimately decides how to
live your life. You are the one who must
live with the consequences of these choices, and you are the one who may be
keeping yourself from making the choices that will bring you happiness. Jesus can show us where we haven’t taken responsibility
for choices that we need to own and how to do that.
Values
What we value is what we assign importance to. If we value family we will choose lots of
family activities. Those who value health
and looks will exercise and spend time and money on their appearance. We must take responsibility for what we value. Do we value the approval of God or do we
value the approval of men? When we take responsibility
for behaviour that stems from valuing things that have no lasting value and
confess that we have a heart that values things that will not satisfy we begin
on a journey of lasting relationship with God.
Spending time in His Word to learn what He values and praying for our
hearts to become aligned with His is part of this process.
Limits
God does not force people to behave but rather He sets
standards, tells us what they are and invites us to be with Him, if we follow those
standards. Heaven is open to all people
but only the repentant will live there eternally. We need to learn to set limits too. One way to set limits is to limit our
exposure to people who are behaving poorly.
We can’t make others change or make them behave but we can limit the
time we spend with them. This is not
unloving but rather when we separate ourselves we protect love because we are
taking a stand against those things that destroy love. We need to ask Jesus to show us who we need
to set limits with and what these limits will look like.
Talents
Thoughts
Satan loves to plant lies in our thoughts which
is one reason why we must own our thoughts and not let wrong thoughts turn into
bad attitudes, bad choices or bad behaviours.
This will require us to be continually growing in the knowledge of God
and His Word so our thoughts become aligned more closely with His thoughts. We must admit that often we don’t see things
clearly. Our perceptions are distorted
and we need to take ownership of our thinking.
Satan loves to tell women lies such as, “beautiful girls are worth more”,
or “I have to perform to be loved and accepted”. Combatting these lies will require admitting
that our perceptions are often wrong and digging into God’s Word to find the
truth!
Desires
Each person had different desires, wants, dreams,
wishes, goals and plans. Often these
things are built upon self-satisfaction yet so few women are actually fully
satisfied in life but rather yearn for things that they don’t have (either
material or relational). Often we desire things out of wrong motives. We
must take responsibility for our desires, wants, dreams, wishes, goals and
plans and actively seek how we can submit these things to the Lordship of
Christ. This will require that we listen
to Him in prayer with open hearts about our desires and seek His will for our
lives.
Love
When you look at the above list it can seem a bit
overwhelming. Each person probably has
at least 1 or more area to work on. If
you desire to have godly relationships then it is vitally important to learn
what you are responsible for and what you aren’t responsible for and to start
living that way. The possibilities of personal
growth are endless – your marriage will be affected and so will your kids as
you become a better parent and experience more freedom and joy in all your
relationships. You are the only one who
can bring each item to Jesus and let Him show you how to find healing and
wholeness as He reveals the truth to you as you grow in relationship with
Him.
Recommended Reading:
Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
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