Thursday, May 9, 2013

How's Your Marriage?


Key Passage: Gal. 5:16-26

ESV: 16 But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.17 For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. 19 Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, 20 idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, 21 envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. 24 And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.

·         Many of us read the list of sins in verses 19-21 and we just brush past them, thinking that we are doing well and we feel that we are free and clear of these sorts of sins.  Yet many of us struggle with other variations of these sins, especially in the context of marriage (or if you are single, in other relationships).

·         Before we start feeling too good about ourselves we need to go a little deeper, these sins may not have fully manifested themselves in your life but there probably are little roots of these sins in you and this will affect your marriage.  If the apostle Paul was to write a Holy Spirit inspired letter to the women in our church, in our cell - what would be the list of sins that he would include?


Examples

1.       DEMANDS: Example - A wife is mad at her husband for de-stressing after a tough day at work by watching TV/playing computer games and so she gets fed up and out of frustration she walks up to the TV/computer, turns it off and says, “I’ll give you a choice – you can either go and play with the kids or you can clean up the kitchen but you are NOT watching TV any longer!” Some women would praise this wife for being so courageous and wise, for standing up for herself and doing what needs to be done.  BUT, this is not courageous or wise. 

How would you feel if the tables were turned?   You just had a really tough day with the kids; they were up all night screaming and didn’t nap at all during the day.   You barely got supper on the table because the groceries are getting really low and you didn’t have energy to pack up your sick and tired kids to head to the store.  After supper you just want to sit down and check up on Facebook before you go to bed.  How would you feel if your husband got mad at you for being on Facebook and so he walks up the computer, turns it off and says – “you can either go for groceries or get in the bedroom (read between the lines J) but you are not going to waste time on the internet anymore!”  Would he be courageous and wise?   Why the double standard? Would you like him to treat you this way?  

Making demands of your husband and expecting obedience is wrong and won’t fix your marriage.  In fact, as a result, your husband will try to escape your abuse, and instead of becoming responsive to your needs, he will want to have as little to do with you as possible. Is that what you want? Do you want to drive your husband away from you?

You do not have the right to tell him what to do.  He also does not have the right to tell you what to do.  Some of you are the demanding ones here; some of you have been walked all over because of your husband’s demands.  This is not God’s will for your marriage.   God’s will is for the two of you to learn how to have healthy and respectful discussions about the things in your lives and to value each other’s opinions and needs. 


2.       MANIPULATION: When we want something from our husbands we can often present our problem as if it is his personal shortcoming.  “If you would only buy me flowers, I would feel more loved”.  “If you would only help out more with the kids, clean up the house, hang out less with the guys, I would feel more loved and be less grumpy and have more energy…”  When we do this we are tying our own emotional shortcomings to our husband’s behavior and subtly trying to manipulate him to do what we want. 
At the same time, we rationalize that we are doing our spouse a favor, we are helping him become a better husband, we are shedding light on the confusion of what it means to be a good husband and father – if he would only follow our advice then life would be so much better.  But really what we are doing is imposing our set of values on him and trying to force our point of view on him in a subtle and deceptive ways. 
As women, we need to take responsibility for our feelings and not blame our husbands for them.  We need God to speak truth into these feelings instead of believing Satan’s subtle lies about our husbands. 

3.       CONTROLLING:  Who makes the decision in your marriage, in other words, who wears the pants in the family (it should be neither of you)?  How do you make decisions as a couple?  Do you always need your way?  Think back to what you did this past weekend – did each person get equal input?  Did you discuss each person’s ideas and wishes?  Did you take each other’s feelings into consideration?  Does your husband get a say or has he just learned to keep his mouth shut and go with the flow? If he is naturally easy going and you are naturally a planner then you will need to learn how to intentionally dialogue with him and let him have opinions, ideas and even get his way now and then!    I know some women who have the calendar so booked up with chores for him to do and social outings, with the expectation that he will just comply.  Since she is home all day she can come up with lots of things for him to do –but he is tired from working all day and needs a break.  But she won’t stop to consider his feelings and he has learned long ago to just shut up about it and go along with her to keep the peace. 
When we make all the family decisions without consulting our husbands what we are actually doing is making the assumption that our views are right and our husband’s views are wrong – this is dangerous territory.  Eventually our husbands just give up trying to contribute to the relationship and become apathetic towards it.  Trying to control someone is a sophisticated way of being demanding.  It’s disrespectful and rude and it pushes him away.  Then we wonder why he is so distant and we blame him for the lack of intimacy and closeness in our marriage. 
Some women treat their husbands like an ATM machine – they want him to go to work and then hand over the paycheque.  They don’t give him a say in anything, instead the wife makes all the decisions for the household – what to buy, what to do, where to go.  This forces him to withdraw from the marriage and from family life. 

4.       GOSSIP: Talking about your husband’s shortcomings behind his back to your mother or to your sisters or to a friend is not appropriate in marriage.  If your husband has so many shortcomings that you feel you really need to talk to someone about them, call the church and book an appointment with Tim Ryan or a marriage coach and go to the marriage retreat!  Truth is, if you are talking about him behind his back in a negative way you’ve got a problem too as you have broken trust and you both need to work on your marriage together.  Of course, it’s OK to discuss things with a pastor or church leader if you are trying to get help and if there is abuse (emotional, physical, mental, sexual) then you must speak up and get help! 

5.       ANGER: When we are angry it is usually because we feel some sort of injustice has been done.  In marriage, this often happens when we feel our husbands are deliberately not giving us what we want or we feel that what they are doing is not fair.  So we use anger to protect ourselves from this injustice.   Some people lash out with harsh words, some lose their temper, some use physical violence.  Others use subtle sarcasm, ridicule or put-downs – just a poke here or a jab there with a biting tongue, to try to get even.  This offers a simple solution to the immediate problem but our anger shows that we don’t care about our husband’s feelings and that we are willing to hurt him in order to feel better or get our way.  This just makes matters worse.  Some women have learned not to lash out verbally or physically so they internalize their anger.  They can be steaming inside without throwing a fit.  That’s when they often move into the next area – hurtful action/inaction.


6.       HURTFUL ACTIONS or INACTIONS – women can do some pretty immature things when they are mad at their husbands.  Some women use devious plots to cause misery for him – “he forgot his mother’s birthday and I’m NOT going to remind him, she’ll phone an give him the what-for!”, the silent treatment, spending money you know you don’t have on stuff that you know would annoy your husband in order to get back at him, talking about how much fun you have with others as a way of sending the message that you don’t have fun with him, withholding sex/touching, making sure he knows that he is NOT meeting your needs, refusing to do the things you are responsible for around the house, “forgetting” to do stuff that you told him you would do, etc.

7.       JUDGMENTAL: We often do this without even realizing it.  It’s when we dismiss our husband’s ideas – very common when he suggests something about caring for or disciplining the children.   He suggests something and we just dismiss it immediately.  He suggests that we let the baby cry it out and you dismiss this idea immediately and don’t even take it into consideration.  He suggests that you not spend so much time with your mother and you completely ignore him and get all mad that he would even suggest it.  He wants to buy a particular outfit and there is no way you would let him!  The list goes on and on and covers all areas of marriage and family life!  Being judgmental sends the message that he doesn’t know what he is talking about, that his ideas are dumb and that his choices are poor.  This is very disrespectful. 

8.       WRONG PRIORITIES:  Sometimes women can get caught in the trap of putting the needs of the kids and caring for the children ahead of the needs of their husbands.  These women are over-focused on the kid’s needs and making the children happy, to the exclusion of their husbands.  Often these husbands come home from work and feel like a third wheel.  Mom knows and understands the children better than he and he is an outsider in his own home.  When the wife over-attaches to the kids and begins to get her emotional needs filled through them instead of through the husband, the marriage is doomed.  Husband and wife may still live together out of convenience but it is hardly a marriage.  The husband should feel like he is the wife’s number one priority, the kids are second.  her job, her ministry, her parents,  her sisters, her friends, her hobbies, etc. should come after him an the kids. 

STOP HERE AND LISTEN IN PRAYER – What does Jesus want to say to you about your past actions in this area?  What does this look like in your life (not your husband’s life). 

STOP HERE AND LISTEN IN PRAYER – Write a prayer of confession for each of the areas where the HS convicted you.  Ask the Lord to show you how to make amends for this wrongdoing.   



Let’s go back to our Key Verses for today – Gal. 5:16-26

ESV: 16 But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.17 For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. 19 Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, 20 idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, 21 envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. 24 And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.

·         God’s ideal for our marriage is that it is filled with the fruit of the Spirit - Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self Control

·         So, how do we move from being full of the DESIRES OF THE FLESH to being full of the FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT?

·         KEY – if we want to fruit of the Spirit in our lives we need to keep in step with the Spirit (v. 25)
-          One of our objectives as Christians is to become sensitive to the Holy Spirit
-          We need to learn how to hear His voice (listening prayer)
-          We must obey the promptings that He gives us
-          He wants to guide us and produce good fruit in our lives but it won’t happen automatically
-          I know of people who have been Christians for 20+ years and have very little fruit in their lives because they are not keeping in step with the Spirit

How do you walk with the Spirit?

1.       Get rid of all known sin in your life (v. 19-21 does not limit the list)
¾       God expects holiness among His people
¾       Every time you are demanding of your husband, every time you manipulate him, gossip about him, are angry toward him (even if it’s a subtle form) or judge him – you are sinning and you need to confess this
¾       If you intentionally ignore known sin in your life, even in the smallest areas, you open yourself up to demonic strongholds because of your rebellion against God
¾       1 Sam. 15:23Rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft
¾       Rebellion (ongoing sin) insults Christ’s great sacrifice on the cross – Jesus paid a huge price, a torturous cross and abandonment by God, for what?  To set you free from sin, to deliver you from bondage, to help you to walk according to His ways and not dealing with your sin is the greatest insult to Him
¾       This is not just about your actions, you need to deal with your negative emotions and deal with your attitudes – confess them! 


2.       Get into the Word
¾       The word is so important.  Why?
¾       for knowing God
¾       it shows you how to live - the Bible tells us how to conduct our day to day lives so that we are not living in sin which separates us from God
¾       Yet it is much more than a manual for life, it
                                                               i.      tells us who God is (you need to know that in order to live victorious through difficult circumstances)
                                                             ii.      Tells us who Jesus is (we need to know this in order to let Him lead our lives)
                                                            iii.      It tells us about Heaven (how can we endure trouble in this life if we aren’t looking forward to the next life?)
                                                           iv.      It tells us about the End Times (this will radically change how you live your life, root out selfishness from our life, get your focus off yourself and on to God)
                                                             v.      It teaches us how to Hear God
                                                           vi.      It teaches us how to fully surrender to God
¾       It serves to act as a love letter to us, so we can truly KNOW Him


3.       Prayer
¾       Why pray?
¾       to get to know God!
¾       for finding out His plans so you can obey them (Jesus is not the functional Lord of your life if you are not praying and listening about all areas of your life – marriage, home, money, vacations, parenting, jobs, ministries, etc. )
¾       many Christians talk about Jesus, very few let Him lead their lives
¾       Jesus is active today, but He will not force Himself into your life, He waits for you to ask Him to take the rightful place as owner of your life
¾       Prayer is also for bringing about God’s purposes here on earth
¾       Our prayers are the means by which God brings about His will on earth
¾       Many people pray, “O Lord…blah, blah, blah…if it’s your will…Amen”
¾       You can actually know God’s will and pray it into being – that’s why we listen in prayer
¾       How can you make decisions without asking God about it first, finding out if it’s His will?


4.       Minister to your family
¾       Marriage is the foundational unit of society, it was created before government and before the church.  Your husband is to take top priority in your life, then your kids, then other things such as your parents, your sisters, your friends, your job, your hobbies, etc. 
¾       The most important role you will ever play is that of “wife” and then the role of “mother”
¾       This trumps everything else
¾       By far the majority of a child’s character development and spiritual training will happen in the home
¾       The Bible places the spiritual responsibility  for raising godly kids on the shoulders of parents, not the church, not the school
¾       But parents who are not walking closely with God themselves will never impact their kids for the kingdom
¾       If you want to be a good parent, if you want to be a good wife – you need to walk closely with Jesus, read the Word, pray, let Him lead and guide your life
¾       Don’t wait for your husband – when you meet Jesus one day you will not be able to excuse your lack of personal spiritual growth by saying, “but I was just waiting for my husband, I wanted to volunteer, I wanted to go to Encounter/Empower, I wanted to love Jesus more, but I was waiting for my husband”
¾       CAVEAT:  Jesus will show you how you can walk ahead spiritually without causing problems in your marriage, He can show you how to live out a dynamic spiritual life without turning your husband off from Jesus – do you trust Jesus to guide you, are you willing to depend fully on Him?  Or are you using your husband as an excuse to stay apathetic, complacent and lukewarm?  Rev. 3:16 says that God will vomit people like this out of his mouth


5.       Minister in the Church
¾       Get involved in the life of the church through serving
¾       The church is Christ’s body – it’s not enough to merely attend on the weekend or attend a cell, if you want to one with Christ, be part of His body by contributing
¾       there is no job too small, God values ALL positions of ministry, there are so many positions where you can get involved here at Southland there really are no good excuses not to
¾       If you are not willing to be involved in Christ’s body, what does that say about your relationship with God?

STOP HERE AND LISTEN IN PRAYER – What does Jesus want to say to you about this area in your life?  

STOP HERE AND LISTEN IN PRAYER – Write a prayer of commitment to the Lord telling Him that you will follow through on what He has shown you today.     

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