Monday, September 29, 2014

Taming the Tongue

What is unwholesome talk?

Ephesians 4:29 (NIV) Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 

Possible ideas:

  • Name calling, put downs, & trading insult for insult
  • Sarcasm, ridicule, mockery
  • Blaming, exaggerated attacks – “you always”, or “you never.”
  • Griping, Complaining
  • Angry Words, including threats and revenge
  • Destructive Criticism
  • Arguments
  • Deception, Lies, and Manipulative Speech
  • Gossip and Slander
  • Profanity
  • Filthy talk and coarse jokes

Introduction
A catering manager was helping a young mother plan her child’s baby dedication party and says to the mother, “It looks like you’ve lost most of the baby weight.”  The mother replies, “Thanks, we adopted.”

Oops.  Insert foot in mouth!!!  Have you ever had to do that???  I know I have.  So embarrassing! 

Our Cell Theme for the fall is going to be based on the tongue and relationships

James 3:2-10 We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check. When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. 10 Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.

Ephesians 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 

We are commanded to build others up according to their needs.  But if we were to look at most of our conversations and what comes out of our mouths, I think we could agree that often our talk is more focused on our own needs.  Deep inside, the two biggest areas where I believe most Christians struggle are selfishness and pride, and since “the mouth speaks what the heart is full of” (Luke 6:45) our conversations are a tell-all to those wise enough to see it.
This takes God’s teaching on the tongue and the power of speech to a whole new level. 

  
Ways We Hurt Others with Our Tongues

Conversation Bombing
I’m sure you have all heard of photo bombing – to spoil a photograph by unexpectedly appearing in the camera’s field of view as the picture is taken.  Well, often we do this unintentionally in our relationships.  We don’t mean to hurt anybody, in fact, we may actually think that we have had an amazing conversation and have really connected with the other person.  But in fact, we conversation bombed. Here’s what it looks like:

A lady is talking about her upcoming birthday party for her child.  So, they share a bit about what they are planning for the party, the theme, the cake, etc. Now this reminds you of a similar party that you threw for your child a few years ago so you launch into your story before the other person can finish hers.  You are so busy with the exciting tales or your life that there is little time to really hear or get to know the other person and she is left silenced.   The other person ends up feeling unheard, insignificant and less reluctant to share anything with you the next time. You have just used your tongue to hurt. Not by calling names, putting her down, or insulting her.  But by ignoring what she has to say and selfishly turning the conversation to be all about yourself. 

Advice Giving

Someone at your table is sharing a struggle or problem – potty training, a child who doesn't sleep through the night, a chronic ailment (migraines, joint pain, etc.), a problem at work, etc.  This reminds you of something you've heard or read about or experienced and you become the great problem solver, ready with help with plenty of suggestions. You don’t hear more than a few sentences of what the other person is saying before you begin searching for the right advice and start to share your suggestions.  And you feel really good about yourself because you think you helped this person solve their problem.  You genuinely may have cared and though you thought you were helping, more than likely that’s not how it came across. 

What you missed was the feelings of the other person, you didn't acknowledge their pain, share in their emotions, or identify with what they are going through. It’s true that you didn't mock, ridicule or tease the other person.  You didn't lie or use profanity.  So you think that the conversation was godly.  But you hurt someone.  You left that person feeling alone because you didn’t listen, you didn’t empathize, and you showed little to no compassion or understanding of their actual need – the need to be heard and to feel connected and supported in community. That person now feels alone and rejected because you didn't listen or really seem to care.

Worse yet, you missed out on connecting this person to Jesus through prayer and listening prayer and finding out what He wants to say to her.  Often Jesus wants to offer encouragement, hope and maybe a few practical suggestions. But you bypassed that all when you gave advice instead of leading them to Jesus. 

RULE:  Don’t give advice unless you are directly asked for it.  Even then, consider encouraging the person to take it to Jesus in prayer, even listening together.  Where do we get off thinking that we know better than the creator God who knows everything???

So, a RULE we have at cell is that we don’t give advice.  Just don’t go there.
When you feel yourself saying, “You should such-in-such”, or “What you need to do is such-in-such”, stop yourself.  Just stop!

Not Being Real with Others
This is when we portray ourselves as always being good, everything is always OK, “I’m fine, everything is good, etc.” This is just plain dishonesty, although this person probably doesn't think she is lying with her tongue.    No one is fine all the time.  We all have struggles and challenges in our lives. The “I’m good” person can’t let others see her struggles, so she puts on a mask, which is dishonest. She hides behind a mask so she doesn’t have to be her authentic self. The life she reveals to others is distorted as only very selected parts get seen.  This often happens when we have fear of intimacy, often due to past hurts.  “If they knew the real me, they wouldn’t like me.” Or, because of deep rooted pride, feeling like she can’t be vulnerable or show weakness. I really don’t think this type of persons will get a lot out of cell because she won’t let people see her imperfections, and often this includes not being real with God. 

It also kills relationships because it makes everyone else feel inadequate or less than for having a problem, challenge or struggle.  Example:  Lady 1 at your table shares how she is having some problems in her marriage, or with her children.  Then lady 2 then shares how she’s good, her marriage is good, her kids behave, and how she just doesn’t struggle in that area.  Then up goes the mask of Lady 1, she was just made to feel stupid for having problem and won’t make that mistake again. What you share and what you avoid sharing has an impact on others.  If you are unwilling to share and have an “I’m good” attitude all the time at cell, eventually those around you will also end up putting on masks to hide their inadequacies.  We can’t build genuine relationships this way.   

Comparing
This person asks all sorts of questions and comes across as genuinely caring and friendly, but internally is processing the answers, sizing you up, getting info from you (often gossip), to determine how to find fault with you so she can come out on top. This person uses her tongue to chat with you and then compares and internally criticizes you so she can come out looking better.  And, if she can’t come out on top, then she’ll turn the tables to become the bigger victim who has suffered so much more than anyone else.  This is a massive misuse of the tongue.  It’s deceptive, it’s manipulative, it’s uncaring, it’s cunning, it’s prideful & selfish, and it’s WRONG.  It goes completely against Eph. 4:29! This person is only building herself up, not you! She may not actually be saying anything hurtful to you, in fact, you may think she is a genuine friend.  But in reality, her questions and interest in your life is self-seeking.  She compares and finds fault with you because the fault she finds in your strokes her own ego.   

Being Opinionated
First, it is important to say that it is not wrong to have an opinion about something. The question we have to ask ourselves is do we have opinions or are we opinionated? Having an opinion about something is fine, as long as we are respectful of those who have different opinions. When we are not respectful, we become opinionated and we push others away. 
We must be careful to always give others the freedom to have differing opinions, even if they are wrong.   I prefer to speak with people who have opinions certainly much more than those who are wishy-washy and can’t make up their minds about anything.  However, I don’t enjoy talking with opinionated people, especially when the opinion they are forcing on me is different than my own.  So, have opinions!  Just don’t force them on other people!

So, what does it sound like to be opinionated…and how does make those with differing opinions feel? 
Example“I can’t believe that someone would spend $300 on a such-in-such.”  Now how would you feel if you were the person that just saved your pennies for months to buy that item for $300? A better way to talk would be – “I don’t value such-in-such enough to spend that kind of money on it, but I’m sure others are willing or they wouldn’t sell it at that price.” 
Example:  “Why would anyone want to homeschool their kids?” Vs. “Homeschooling is not for me, but I really respect those moms who can do it.”
Example: “I would never let my kids watch such-in-such movie”. Vs. “I find such-in-such movie too scary for my children, but I trust other parents to know what’s best for their kids”.
Example:  “I would never feed my kids such-in-such.  Vs. We really try to avoid eating unhealthy, but I understand how you need to have a little treat every once in a while”.  

When we make opinionated statements, they build up over time and often end up coming across as criticism.  We have to be careful not to make statements that don’t leave room for other people’s preferences. 


Gossip
Prov. 20:19 (NIV) A gossip betrays a confidence, so avoid anyone who talks too much. 
Gossip colours people’s perceptions of an individual by containing negative personal information about another that puts them in a bad light. Spreading negative info about another is wrong, even if the info is true. Please avoid asking questions that promote gossip. Please avoid sharing prayer requests that are actually gossip.

Example:  “I’m telling you because I know you will pray…” “I have a problem with so-in-so because of such and such.  Can you pray for me? “I heard such and such… they need our prayer…”

Sharing anything about someone, when the act of sharing is not part of the solution to the problem, is gossip. Compassion and concern is no excuse for gossip.
Example, “I only mentioned it because I was concerned.”

God’s solution for those who have concerns for another is for them to go directly to the one they say they are concerned about and talk to them.  PERIOD! If it’s none of your business, don’t talk about it and don’t ask about it.  

NOTE: There are times when you have information about someone that needs to be brought to the attention of the correct authorities (teacher, pastor, cell leader, prayer minister, police officer, etc.). In those cases sharing is not gossip because it is giving info to those who can help or deal with the issue.  This includes finding help and healing for yourself if you have been hurt of abused.

Example:  Your friend some to you with an issue that she is having with another person.  This person has boundaries challenges which have hurt your friend.  Your friend has been hurt and needs healing.  She is dealing with a painful challenge that stems back from a situation where she felt rejection as a child.  She comes to you to confide in you, for support and encouragement. Is this gossip?  Yes or No? Answer – it depends on your motive for listening and her motive for sharing. 
  • Are you honestly wanting to help your friend find healing and freedom?
  • Does the info that your friend shares with you make you feel better about yourself because you aren’t like that friend?
  • Do you feel a sense of power because you know something about that person?
  • If your friend telling you this info because she wants you to take action on something that she should really be taking action for? She wants you to step in and “fix things”. 
  • Has your friend prayed about it yet?  Is her telling you a replacement for taking it to God in prayer? 
  • Is your friend who is sharing this info with you tearing down the other person? Is there judgment or grace?
  • If you and your friend are authentically working through this challenge, then there should be evidence of her behaviour and attitudes being transformed, over time. 


Gossip is a subtle sin.  You really have to ask Jesus to show you the motive of your heart.   



Prayer Questions:
Thanksgiving – Thank Jesus for the patience and kindness that He shows to you as you continue to mature and grow to be more like Him.
Listening Prayer – Ask Jesus to show you how you can continue to grow to use your tongue to build others up according to their needs (Eph. 4:29). 
Listening Prayer – Ask Jesus to reveal to you a personal, practical step from today’s teaching.
Listening Prayer – Ask Jesus to bring to mind a personal prayer request that you can share with your group and receive prayer for. 

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