Many adults have
problems with setting proper boundaries in their family of origin (the family
you grew up in). At times, adult
children can feel pressure to do what their parents want them to do and can
feel guilty when they don’t. In cases
like this the person is still emotionally attached to their parents and does
not have the freedom that they should have, as an adult, to make their own
choices. People who have healthy
boundaries do not feel guilty when they make choices about their lives. Yes, they do take other people into
consideration but they choose out of love, not guilt, and don’t feel like they
have to avoid being bad or disappointing their parents.
As you go through
the following examples, please remember that the intent of this is for self-reflection
only. You are to look at your own life
and avoid pointing fingers. This is
about you growing in your personal walk with God by learning about healthy boundaries
in relationships. You can’t change
others, only yourself. If you read any
of the following examples and see other people and that gets you mad or
frustrated, then that is also a sign of a personal boundary issue. As you read the examples you may not see yourself
in any of them. This is where the
listening prayer questions at the end become critical. The Holy Spirit can reveal as we take the
time to listen in prayer, asking Him to show us the truth.
Example 1:
Karen does not have
good emotional boundaries with the family she grew up in. When she has contact with them on the phone she
becomes depressed, argumentative, self-critical, perfectionistic, angry, combative
or withdrawn. She ends up taking these
emotions out on her husband and kids.
Her family of origin has the power to affect her immediate family. One sure sign of a boundary problem is when
your relationship with one person has the power to affect your relationship
with others.
Example 2:
When Suzanne is
around her father he criticizes her and she works harder in order to try to earn
his approval. In doing this, Suzanne practically
ignores the needs of her husband, who is starting to feel like she cares more
about her dad then she does about him.
He is sick of getting the leftovers and that his wife’s allegiance is
really with her dad and not with him.
Suzanne hasn’t completed the process of leaving and cleaving to her
spouse which is why she has a boundary problem with her parents. Leaving and cleaving does not mean that people
can’t have relationships with their parents after they marry but they do need
to set a boundary with their family of origin.
Many marriages struggle because of a failure to do this. For a marriage to work, each spouse must
loosen their ties with their parents and forge new ones with their mate.
Example 3:
John and Kathy own
a nice home, go on nice vacations, have their kids in sports and music lessons
and look fairly successful on the outside.
But there is one problem – their lifestyle is not supported by John’s
paycheque as they receive much financial help from John’s family. John’s parents have always wanted the best
for him and they always helped him get it. They contributed to the house, the vacations
and the children’s hobbies. Periodic
bailouts from John’s parents cut into John’s self-respect and Kathy doesn’t
feel like she could spend any money without permission from her in-laws. This is a clear boundary issue. Although John is an adult physically he is
not yet an adult financially. In this
case, John is not sure if he wants to forsake the gifts and handouts for a
greater sense of independence. On the
other hand, many parents financially bail their adult kids out of financial
messes that were made by their adult children’s irresponsibility. This cripples children for life, preventing
them from achieving independence. An adult
who does not stand on his own financially is still a child.
Example 4:
Sally is married
with three children but she is dependent on her mother for certain life
management functions. She often hangs
out at her mom’s house with the kids, vacations with them, drops off laundry
and eats meals there. Her mom is her
closest confidant as she shares “everything” with her. When she needs help with housework or with
the kids, her mom is proud to “always be there for her.” On the outside it
looks like a nice close family but upon a closer look one can see that this
family is actually “enmeshed” where Sally has not separated from her mom with
clear boundaries. It may not look like a
problem to many people because Sally and her mom get along so well and both
enjoy their relationship however Sally’s other adult relationships may be dysfunctional. She may not be able to have close adult
female friends and her relationship with her husband is probably
suffering. Sally is not taking
responsibility for her daily load and is actually living in perpetual adolescence
where she is still under parental protection. All the while her mom is acting
as a co-dependent.
Example 5:
Example 6:
Some children have
learned to take responsibility for their parents, who are stuck in childish
patterns of irresponsibility. The Bible teaches that children should take care
of their elderly parents but in this case we are taking about parents who are
acting irresponsibly and are being demanding and controlling. These kinds of parents need to take care of
their own needs, physical, financial and emotional. Children need to have the freedom
to decide how to care for their parents out of love and not guilt. Children who help parents who are stuck in
childish patterns of irresponsible behaviour are co-dependent and need to learn
to set healthy boundaries.
Example 7:
Sheryl is in her
mid-twenties and is still living at home.
From the time she was a child her parents have always given her
everything that she needed. Now, as an
adult, she has had the inability to find a job that she really likes and is
often unemployed, giving a variety of reasons for her inability to work. Even though Sheryl is living at home and not
working, she rarely helps with the chores.
Her parents both work and then come home to clean the house, make the
meals, pay the bills and even sometimes do her laundry. Sheryl is getting a free ride. It is easy to be critical of Sheryl but the
real problem lies with her parents. Sheryl
can pretty much do whatever she wants, no problem. The parents pay, fret, worry, plan and exert
energy to keep her going but she doesn’t have a problem because her parents
have taken it from her. Sheryl’s parents
lack boundaries and she is taking full advantage. Her irresponsibility is being rewarded by her
parents when they carry her load.
Conclusion
As you read the
examples you may have seen a lot of boundary issues in your life. Don’t let this get you down. Exposure is the first step, Jesus has known
these things about you and your family all along and He has shown you for a reason,
because He loves you and wants to help make you healthy and whole. God is good and He knows exactly how to help
you learn to establish proper boundaries.
Don’t be rash in trying to change your entire life in a week. Trust Him and pray through steps of
obedience. Let Him speak to you today
and encourage you.
Listening Prayer:
1. Ask the Holy Spirit
to show you a time when as an adult you either felt pressured by your parents
or made a decision out of guilt.
a. Ask Jesus to reveal
any lie(s) that you believed in this situation
b, Ask Jesus to speak
truth into this situation
c. Confess that you believed
the lie(s) and not the truth
d. Forgive yourself
and any person that wronged you in this situation
e. Thank Jesus for the
love and care that He has for you!
2. Which of the boundaries
examples could you relate to and why? What
does Jesus want to say to you about this boundary issue in your family of
origin? You may wish to go through the
steps in Question 1 for this issue as well.
3. What is the next
step for you to find healing and freedom from the boundary issues in your
family of origin?
4. What does Jesus
want to say to you about the freedom that He desires to give you through
setting boundaries in your family of origin?
What would that freedom feel like for you?
Recommended Reading: Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
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