Dana's Blog: Boundaries Part Three

Introduction

Boundaries are about respect – respecting self and respecting others. Living with boundaries means living in our relationships the way God lives in relationship with us. God respects Himself and respects others.

God respects Himself by limiting what He allows in His yard. He guards His house and won’t allow evil to go on there.
He respects others by communicating to us what He thinks, feels, plans, allows, will not allow, likes and dislikes. He doesn’t hide his boundaries from us; they are clear in His Word.
He also doesn’t force anyone to accept His boundaries. God gives us freedom to choose to follow Him, or not. He doesn’t pressure us into following Him. God doesn’t want people to be robots, loving Him because they are forced to love Him. So, He gives us freedom to choose. It is only in the context of this freedom where true love and deep intimacy can flourish. The opposite of freedom is control – God does not control us. He sets guidelines and consequences and lets us choose to obey them or not.
Gal. 5:1 (NIV) It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
God also respects Himself by carrying His personal load and He respects others by expecting them to carry their own personal loads. It is God’s responsibility to discipline us, to grow us through the Holy Spirit, to produce the fruits of the spirit in our lives, etc. It is our responsibility to strive to obey God and to take steps that will grow our relationship with Him such as prayer and Bible reading. It is also our responsibility to flee from sin.
Phil. 2:12 (NIV) Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling
God also respects others by helping people with their heavy burden. All of humanity had a heavy burden that they could not get rid of. The burden is sin and results in death. But Jesus, out of His great sacrificial love, came and died on the cross to free us from that burden. What a loving and gracious God. We couldn’t do a think about our sin, so He did.
Romans 5:8 (NIV) But God demonstrated His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Living as boundaried people means living according to the principles established by God. It’s living in God’s image.

Common Boundaries

1. Words

Being clear with our words is Biblical.

James 5:12b (AMP) Let your Yes be simply Yes, and your No be simply No.

Proverbs 12:14 (AMP) From the fruit of his words a man shall be satisfied with good.

Proverbs 18:20 (AMP) …and with the consequences of his words he [a human] must be satisfied

It is our responsibility to communicate clearly to others what we are willing to do, or not willing to do. What we are willing to accept, or not willing to accept. The first step in being a boundaried person is being clear with our words. Many relationship issues could be bypassed if we would only be clearer with our words and communicate these things properly.

EXAMPLES:

"You may not continue to yell at me. If you do, I will leave the room”.
"I have a policy of not making snap decisions. I need time to think and reflect/pray about what you would like me to do and whether or not I can do it. If you need an immediate answer it will have to be no.”
"It's not OK with me for you to speak about me (or my husband, or my friends, or my kids) in that way. If you don’t stop I won’t be able to continue this conversation.”
"Although this is an important issue to me, I must decline your request for help at this time. My family has needs to and they need to come first."
"I won’t be lending you money anymore. I care about you and you need to start taking responsibility for yourself.”

Some people struggle with saying a firm, kind “no”. The Bible says that it is OK to say “no”, especially if we are being pressured into sinful behaviour. The Bible also warns us about giving in to people “reluctantly or under compulsion”.

2 Cor. 9:7 (NIV) Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.

What does it meant to give under compulsion? It means that you are doing something because you are being forced to do it. You feel obligated, or coerced, pressured or intimidated into doing something that you don’t really want to do.

KEY SIGN that you are giving under compulsion: If you don’t feel like you can say NO then you can’t really say a wholehearted YES.

2. Distance

A common mistake that we make in parenting is telling our kids that they have to be friends with everyone at school. Our children should not feel obligated to be friends with people who tease them, or, shove them, or tackle them too hard at recess, or makes face at them. They should know that they do not have to be friends with anybody who is inconsiderate towards them. It is true that we have to be kind to everyone but that doesn't mean that we have to hang out with people who hurt us.

Distance is an important boundary to teach our kids and to live out ourselves. This makes a lot of sense when we are talking about helping our kids learn to protect themselves on the playground at school. But, many of us have people in our lives that hurt us on a regular basis – yet we keep going back for more.

The friend that constantly criticizes our children, our husband or even ourselves.
The parent who constantly condemns our parenting.
The sister who keeps telling us that it is time to lose weight and eat healthy.
Or maybe it’s worse – maybe you are sworn at, and put down regularly by someone.

It is our responsibility to create a safe place for ourselves.

Proverbs 22:3 (AMP) The prudent man sees evil and hides himself.

The Bible urges separation from those who continue to hurt us in order to create a safe place for ourselves. This could include setting limits on:

how often you go to family gatherings
who are your friends on Facebook
who has your cell phone number and can text you
who you go out for coffee with or invite into your home for playdates
removing yourself from an argument or heated situation
taking time away from a friend to sort things out

Withdrawing physically is not about punishing the other person (that would be immature and unrighteous behaviour). Sometimes we just need space to re-charge, and shore up our internal resources, to get a bit of a reprieve ourselves and heal emotionally. The goal should always be to see the relationship restored – although that isn't always up to you. Restoration is a two way street – you must forgive, they must change their behaviour and repent. You can only control your half of the relationship. We need God's to help us respect ourselves enough to require that people treat us with respect.

NOTE: Separating from an abusive spouse is a big deal – before you make a decision like this, make sure that you have a good support system in place and are regularly seeking godly council from a pastor.

Healthier Friendships

We all have room to grow healthier in our relationships and be more Christ-like! Here are a few things to consider when you are thinking about your relationships.

1. Celebrate your differences

You do not have to agree on everything with your friends. For example, hobbies like scrap-booking or camping. Or, life choices like homeschooling, public school or private school. How about bottle feeding or breastfeeding. Each of us need to be the unique person that God created us to be, which includes having our own likes and dislikes. Respecting each other’s differences is an important part of relationships. Too many people equate sameness with good relationship. You don’t have to be the same to have a good friendship or marriage. In fact, too much sameness can actually be unhealthy.

2. Freedom

In relationships, freedom breeds love. We know that this is how the way the Lord treats us. We are free to choose to love Him or not love Him. God does not force us to do anything. He wants us to choose Him out of love, not because we are forced. Freedom is a component in all healthy relationships because it breeds love.

3. Bring your strengths together

When I can value you for being you and not be intimidated by the areas where you are better than me, and when you can value me as well, then we can truly come together and be stronger as a team. This is how God designed the church – with unity and diversity in the body (1 Cor. 12:12-26). When you use your unique gifts in the body of Christ and I use my gifts in the body of Christ, we are living the way God designed it. The same is true in friendships and marriage. We all have strengths to contribute and we bring them into our relationships. We need to be unique and different, yet even in those differences, we all reflect Christ's image, because He is so vast and great!

When we strive for sameness instead of celebrating differences and individuality in friendships, we can hinder our relationships. The same is true in families. When a family says that they all like the same things and they are really close and they are each other’s best friends - that should be a red flag in the area of boundaries. That much closeness and sameness seems more like enmeshment. When people stop becoming an individual with their separate thoughts, feelings, beliefs, opinions, hobbies and so on, enmeshment occurs. Family closeness can actually become an idol. Marriage and family is not about cloning yourself. This is not love.

An enmeshed family allows individual members little autonomy or personal boundaries. In these families, individuals grow up not knowing how they really feel or what they want to do in their lives because they are encouraged to feel whatever the rest of the family feels. This is often initiated by a parent. In these families, kids are strongly discourage (either spoken or unspoken) from developing their own feelings or preferences. As a result, the fruit is often depression, anxiety, eating disorders (including overeating), and addictions (sex, drugs, alcohol), etc..

Nurturing families and enmeshed families often look the same on the surface but there is actually a big difference.Nurturing families empower children to have a strong sense of individuality (personal preferences, likes and dislikes, hobbies, feelings, opinions, etc.). Kids are drawn into the family circle without losing a sense of self. In enmeshed families, children are loved, but are drawn into the family circle at the expense of self. Enmeshment is a form of idolatry. Parents who need to be needed or love to be loved corral their kids emotionally. Some families, that seem to be strongest to us because they are so close or always together, are actually the sickest.

Personal Reflection and Prayer Questions

Living as boundaried people means that we retain our own individuality and communicate that in our relationships. Ask the Lord to show you a relationship you are in where there has been a loss of individuality. Are you being controlled? Do you control others? Are you able to clearly communicate what you are willing to do or not do, or, willing to accept or not accept in your relationships? Do you accept this individuality in others? Dialogue with Jesus about these things, what does He want to say to you about these things.
Words and distance are two types of boundaries. Ask the Lord to show you an area where you can continue growing in being clearer with your words. Then, ask the Lord to show you a relationship that would benefit from you creating a bit more distance for yourself. Ask Jesus to give you specific ideas on how to grow in both these areas. Thank Him for what He shows you.
A healthy and nurturing family empowers children to have a strong sense of individuality (personal preferences, likes and dislikes, hobbies, feelings, opinions, etc.). How are you nurturing this in your home in an age appropriate way? (Note – there should be more individuality in teens than in preschoolers). Ask the Lord to give you 2-3 strategies for your family.

Recommended Reading:

Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend