Why "Should" Is a Dangerous Word

So far this summer, Jesus has been teaching me a lot about empathy and the connection between empathy and the language that I use when speaking with people.  He's been showing me how often I say, "You know what you should do" and He is showing me how often it comes across as parental and judgmental.

"You should have thought about this beforehand, because then this would have never happened.  You should plan better.  You should write it all down. Then we wouldn't be in messes like this."  When you hear those statements, how do they make you feel?  Guilty? Ashamed? Angry? Or do you think, "Wow! What helpful input!  I wish that person would follow me around and evaluate everything that I do." Jesus is showing me that when I make "should" statements people often feel the the former and not the latter! When I say, "should" what people hear is that they "must" do something.  They feel like they don't have a choice.  That's a self-boundary issue in my choice of language.

When I am talking to someone about their past and I say, "You should have," this doesn't leave the other person with many other options other than to see how they blew it.  Instead of feeling encouraged by my "wisdom" and "advice" the person feels awful, like they could have done better or like they are pond scum.  It reinforces feelings of failure and shame in the other person.  YUCK!

Ephesians 4:29 (ESV) Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

I'm learning how important it is to make sure my conversation is worded in such a way that people feel they can freely choose to do what I am suggesting and that they don't have to feel forced into it.  I feel like I need to be more careful to watch my use of "should" in situations where it could be taken the wrong way, especially when talking to a compliant or wounded person.  Good relationships preserve one's dignity, choice, freedom and equality as a person.  I have to ask myself, on a deeper level, whether my choice of words is reinforcing that.

Colossians 4:6 (ESV) Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt...

Example 1
Not so Good:  "You should have called me and told me you were going  to be late.  Now you have ruined the whole night for me.  I could have used the time to do something constructive instead of waiting for you."

Better: "It would have really helped me if you had called when you knew you were going to be late.  Please do that next time so I can make use of the time."

Example 2
Not so Good: "You should get up early, read the paper about new jobs and get ahead of the game.  You should also be making more calls.  You are sitting around so much that you are never going to get a job.  You should have been out there looking all this time, and you have just wasted your time.

Better: "Things would go better if you made some changes.  You would have more success, I think, by getting an early start and using the days to find the work that you agreed to seek.  It seems as if you are letting really valuable times slip by."

Example 3
Not so Good: "You shouldn't hang around with those kids.  You should be finding better friends, and you should not be out anyway.  You should be here doing your homework."

Better: "I don't think that group of friends is good for you.  Some of the things they are into I just don't want you doing and it is tough to avoid falling into things when you are around kids who are doing them.  Let's talk about what's going on, why you are there, and what you think about it all.  Also, I want you to do your homework first before going out, no matter who you are with.  So finish that, and then let's talk."

Example 4
Not so Good: "You shouldn't be drinking so much.  You should focus more on the family.  You like your beer better than us."

Better: "I am concerned about your drinking.  It is becoming a problem and we miss you.  When you drink, the kids and I lose you, and we don't want that."


Personal Reflection  and Prayer Questions:
1. How do you feel when someone says to you, "You know what you should do," or "You should have."  Do you feel like you have a free choice?  Why or why not.

2. Good relationships preserve one's dignity, choice, freedom and equality as a person.  Ask Jesus to show you how you are doing well in this area.  Then, ask Him to show you 1-2 ways that you can improve in this.

3. Spend some time in prayer asking Jesus to help you continue to grow in empathy.  Pray that Jesus would continue teaching you about how your choice of words effects how other people feel.  Pray that you would recognize the times when what you say may come across as parental or judgmental and continue growing in choosing language that will preserve other's dignity.




Book Resource: Boundaries Face to Face by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.