Expressing Yourself Part 1

Introduction

Last year when we looked at boundaries we discussed how we are responsible for our choices, our thoughts, our desires, finding encouragement, choosing to be joyful, kind and loving, I’m responsible for my bad attitudes, etc.  If this sounds new to you, I would highly recommend the boundaries course.  One area that we are going to look at today is how we are responsible for our feelings and communicating them properly, so that we stay engaged in relationship and work to build intimacy.

We are also going to look at how it is our responsibility to communicate our needs to others in healthy ways.

So, in the area of feelings, I’m responsible for my feelings.  For example:

• Feeling unloved
• Feeling lonely
• Feeling sad, depressed or anxious
• Feeling angry
• Feeling bitter or resentful
• Feeling confident, accepted
• Feeling happy, courageous, comfortable,
• Feeling helpless, alone, shy, powerless
• Feeling indifferent, fearful,etc.

We are to take responsibility for our feelings.  We can’t blame them on anybody else. This is how it is NOT done: 

• Jane: “Do we have to go to the family gathering this weekend?”
• Peter: “You don’t want to go?”
• Jane: “Oh, never mind.”
• Peter: “Is something wrong?”
• Jane: “It’s nothing…forget it”

Ignoring feelings is not the way to take responsibility for them.  Instead, we are to express them properly in a loving and respectful way. It’s pretty obvious that Jane did not want to go to the family gathering.  There must be some reason why? She is not working towards increased intimacy in her marriage by keeping things buried inside.  

CAVEAT:  Sometimes God may ask us to keep something inside, that’s OK, but usually we should consider effective ways of expressing ourselves. 

So, let’s say that Jane really doesn’t want to go to the family gathering, but goes along anyway, because she struggles expressing how she is feeling about it.  Then, when things don’t go well at the gathering, she ends up mad, frustrated, bitter, or even angry at Peter for making her go.  And who is to blame?  Who is responsible for Jane’s feelings?  Is it her husband? Her family?  Nope, it’s JANE! 

If Jane was able to express her feelings in the first place, she may have persuaded her husband to skip the gathering altogether, or they could have discussed ways to make changes so that she would enjoy the gathering more.  As it is, her husband has no idea what’s bothering her, and he can’t respond to her needs.  This is not how to build intimacy in relationships. 

Think about her husband for a minute – this poor guy has no idea what’s going on inside his wife.  He can’t read her mind, he doesn’t know what she’s feeling.  He’s in a no win situation.  Do you think the men in your life ever feel that way?  If they do, do you think they would dare tell you?  Personally, I think this is one thing that really hurts intimacy in marriage. Many times the men are left to wonder what is going on as they are left out in the dark because of we don’t express ourselves properly, or when we do, we go at it with guns a blazing and they get a lecture or an emotional meltdown. Do emotional meltdowns build intimacy in relationships?  Nope!  They actually destroy intimacy.

Sometimes, the woman drops a few hints so he thinks that he knows what she wants and moves on that, then afterward, she’s disappointed because he didn’t fulfill her desire. Let’s take the example of an upcoming anniversary.  

The wife dreams of a night out to dinner at her favourite restaurant in the city.  She is hoping for a gift of jewelry (maybe a necklace or earrings she’s been eying at the store), and to finish the night off, a nice walk in a park watching the sun set.  When her husband asks her, “What do you want to do for our anniversary,” she merely replies, “Oh, I don’t know, maybe we can get a sitter and do something.”  So he asks, “What do you want to do?” and she gives a vague reply, “Whatever, maybe go out to eat.”  Finally he asks, “What do you want as a gift?” and she replies, “Oh, you don’t’ have to get me anything.”  So, the husband, thinking that he is being extra awesome, actually books the sitter himself (this is worth about 1000 points in his books because she usually does it because he struggles with planning ahead).  So, the anniversary night comes, the sitter arrives and off they go in the car. But where?  He decides to take her somewhere in town to save a little gas money (she feels a tinge of disappointment because she was hoping for her favourite restaurant in the city). Then after dinner, no gift is given (another tinge of disappointment because she really wanted that jewelry) and then back home they go (more disappointment as she was hoping for a romantic walk). 

Who is responsible for the wife’s disappointment in the anniversary date?  The wife! Does the wife actually have any reason to be disappointed in her anniversary date? No, she doesn’t.  She is acting unfairly, she is acting entitled, and she is being discontent and ungrateful for the dinner that her husband took her out for.  If the wife does not adequately communicate her expectations then she has no right being disappointed when they are not met.

If you want something, learn to express yourself and ask for it, and don’t make your husband read between the lines.  You are setting him up for failure and then you end up mad at him and it’s actually your own fault.  If it really matters, say something.  If it doesn’t really matter, then be happy with what you get.

CAVEAT: We need to be careful not to swing from one extreme (not communicating our expectations/desires/wants) to the extreme of being bossy, selfish and demanding our own way.  This is just replacing one bad strategy with another equally bad strategy.  Instead, make my expectations known and then the other person makes their expectations known.  If they match, we are good to go.  If they don’t, we give and take until we can mutually agree.  Relationships, especially marriage, are about meeting each other’s needs.  It’s not all about me and getting my personal needs met all the time.  So, don’t be a selfish or demanding person.  This is not what I’m saying at all. 

Remember, men are not mind readers and nor should they be.  If you want something, learn to ask for it.  Expressing yourself when it counts and to the people that matter to you is more than a good interpersonal skill. It also means that you are loving them, as Christ commanded.   So, today we are going to discuss how to express yourself properly, so that love can grow and deeper intimacy can result in our relationships.     

Prov. 25:11 (NIV) A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.

Prov. 12:18b (NIV) … the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Being able to express yourself properly means being able to make clear and complete statements about your observations, thoughts, feelings and needs.

1. Observations

Observations are the simple facts. It means that you say what you observe, there are no speculations, inferences or conclusions.

• My old address was 3649 67^th Street North.
• She plans to wear a red dress to the party.
• I broke the toaster this morning.
• It was very hot when I left Winnipeg and there was a light wind was coming from the north.

All of these statements strictly adhere to what I have, read, or personally experienced. Sometimes we think that we are stating an observation but what the person feels is a value judgement.  For example, “I can tell whenever you drive my car, because you always leave the radio on.”  You may think that you are making a simple observation but the other person can easily hear criticism for forgetting to turn the radio off.  A better way to communicate would be to complete your communication by saying, “I really don’t mind when you borrow my car, in fact I love to help.  I just find it sort of neat how you love to listen to the radio.  It’s no problem at all that you use the radio, I’m just glad that you can get your errands done.”

If Jane had been able to talk about her observations at previous family gatherings, she may have pointed out that she struggled with the meal always starting late and the kids running around like lunatics. 

2. Thoughts

Your thoughts are conclusions and inferences drawn from what you have heard, read, and observed.

They are attempts to synthesize your observations so you can really see what’s going on and understand why and how events occur. They may incorporate value judgments in which you decide that something is good, bad, wrong or right. Beliefs, opinions, and theories are all conclusions from thoughts.    

• Selflessness is essential for a successful marriage (belief).
• I think the universe will keep exploding and collapsing, forever (theory).
• He must be afraid of his wife; he always seems nervous around her (theory).
• Aunt Jemima is the only syrup worth buying (value judgement).
• You were wrong to speak to him that way (value judgement).

Be careful of incorrect thoughts that can’t be supported by observations.  For example, “I think she’s mad at me,” – if you think this you should have some tangible evidence (like she yelled at me or did something intentionally showing anger) or you will need to dismiss this thought.  Incorrect thoughts can really hurt relationships and work to destroy intimacy. 

If Jane had been able to express her thoughts and feelings about the family gathering, she may have said that Uncle Bill is dominating and imposing, and she may have mentioned that Aunt Mary ignores conflicts because she is such a people pleaser. 

3. Feelings

Feelings are your emotional state, mood, etc. Probably the most difficult part of communication is expressing feelings. Many people struggle with expressing feelings. Sometimes people end up trying to keep their feelings to themselves because of past experiences where expressing feelings caused pain.   In this case, inner healing should be sought.  How we feel is an important part of what makes us unique and special. Shared feelings are the building blocks of intimate relationships. When we allow others to know what angers us, frightens us, and pleases us, etc. they have greater empathy and understanding and they are better able to be in relationship with us. 

• I missed Ally and felt a real loss when she left for Europe.
• I feel like I let you down and it really gnaws at me.
• I sit alone in the house, feel this tingling going up and down my spine, and get this wave of anxiety. 
• I light up with joy when I see you.  If feel this incredible rush of affection.
• I’m checking my reactions, and I feel stunned and a little angry.

When we express feelings, we want to make sure that we are not actually making observations, value judgments, or opinions.  For example in the statement, “I feel that you are very inflexible,” we are not talking about feelings at all, this is a value judgement, not a feeling.  Speaking this way will work to destroy intimacy in relationships.  Rather, say, “When you are unwilling to talk about changing our plans, I feel frustrated.”     

NOTE: Before you work to communicate your feelings, test yourself to see if these feelings are valid.  For example, if you are irritated at your husband, ask yourself to quantify that feeling with observations you have made about his behaviors.  Has he been rude or ignored you or are you just hormonal?  J

If Jane had expressed her feelings about the family gathering she may have told Peter that she felt bored at the gatherings and that she was angry with Uncle Bill.  She may have also expressed worry and frustration about how nothing was being done about some of the challenges facing the family.   

4. Needs

A need is something that you require because it is essential or very important.  No one knows what you want except you, in fact, sometimes we don't even know what we need.  We need Jesus to speak to us and show us our true genuine needs in our various circumstances.  Some people may really struggle expressing their needs. Many people hope their friends and family will be sensitive enough to know what they want without them having to say anything; “If you loved me, you’d know what’s wrong”. But that is really unfair.  Relationships can only grow when people clearly and supportively express what they need. Don’t express vague needs such as, “I need more love from you,” or, “I just need to feel like you are more committed to this relationship.”Instead, state clear and quantifiable needs, for example:         

• I need you to be home by 6 pm.
• I need you to only work two Saturdays per month. 
• I’m exhausted.  Will you do the dishes and see that the kids are in bed?
• I need a day to myself this weekend.  Can we get together Monday night instead?
• I need to reserve time with you so we can sit down and work this out.
• Could you just hug me for a while?

Sometimes the need that we think needs to be met, actually isn't the true need.  For example, at the beginning of the school year I was feeling frustrated at having to be the one to drive the kids everywhere all the time.  I expressed this need to my husband and he started driving the kids.  It didn't take long and I realized that deep inside I really liked driving them around, my actual need was for him to notice and acknowledge how my driving the kids all the time benefited him and served the family.  This is why it is so important to take our feelings and felt needs to Jesus, asking Him for clarity.  Jesus can show us the truth of what we really need!  

Jane might have told Peter that she really needed rest and wanted to spend the weekend at home, spending quality time together instead of going to the family gathering.  

Our anniversary wife would tell her husband that she would be interested in going to her favourite restaurant in the city and that she also saw some nice jewelry at the local store. 

Finally, meeds are not judgmental.  They don’t blame or assign fault.  They are simple statements about what would help or please you.  Often women ask their husbands to do things because it is a legitimate need, but they ask in a way that blames or finds fault.

• Bad way: “You never seem to notice that the dishwasher is clean and needs to be emptied.  You just assume that I will do that job, so you put your dirty dishes on the counter.  Why can’t you just empty it for once and stack your own dirty dishes in the dishwasher.  What am I, your maid?”
• Better way:  “I need you to notice when the dishwasher is clean, empty it and stack your dirty dishes in the dishwasher.” 
• Best way, send a WHOLE MESSAGE:  “When the dishwasher if full of clean dishes and you notice but don’t bother to empty it (observation) I wonder if you really care to help out around the house (thought).  It makes me feel frustrated (feeling).  I need you to empty the dishwasher when you notice that it needs emptying, and then stack your dirty dishes (need).” 

It becomes increasingly more important to send whole messages in relationships where there are ongoing relational issues. 

Prov. 17:27 (NIV) The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered.

Whole Messages

Whole messages include all four kinds of expression: what you observe, think, feel and need. Intimate relationships thrive on whole messages, especially when dealing with deeper issues.  Your closest friends, you spouse, and your family can’t know the real you unless you share all your experiences.  This means not leaving things out, not covering up your anger, not squelching your wants. It means giving accurate feedback about what you observe, clearly stating your inferences, and conclusions, saying how it all makes you feel, and if you need something or see possibilities for change, making straightforward requests or suggestions. When we leave something out it’s called a partial message. Partial messages create confusion or cause distrust. 

NOTE: Not every relationship or situation requires whole messages, for example, effective communication with your mechanic probably won’t require feelings or a discussion of your emotional needs. Even with close friends, most discussions are informal and informational and won’t require a whole message. 

But partial messages are dangerous when used to express the complex issues that are an inevitable part of closeness.

Contaminated Messages

Contamination takes place when your messages are mixed or mislabeled.  For example, you are going to a party as a family and your daughter puts on the wrong dress.  You may be contaminating feelings, thoughts and observations if you said, “I see you’re wearing that old dress again”.  What you said were four very different things:

• That dress is a little frayed and still has the ink spot that we couldn't get out. (observation)
• I don’t’ think it’s nice enough for a Sunday visit to grandpa’s (thought)
• I feel anxious that your grandpa will think I’m not a very good parent if you wear a dress like that (feeling)
• I would prefer that you wear something more presentable (need)

If someone says,  “I see your wife gave you two juicy oranges for lunch”.  Is the person making an observation, or expressing a need to have one of the oranges? Or how about if they say,  “While you were feeding your dog, my dinner got cold”.  Is this an observation, or are there underlying feelings of anger and judgment (you care more about the dog than me)?  Our messages must be clearer than this.  

Contaminated message: “Why don’t you act a little human for a change?” (value judgment)

Whole message: “You say very little, and when you do, it’s in a soft, flat voice (observation).  It makes me think that you don’t care, that you have no emotions (thought).  I feel hurt (feeling), but what I really want is for you to talk to me” (need). 

Contaminated message: “Every year you come home to visit with a different man.  I don’t know how you move from one to another like that.”

Whole message: “Each year you come home with someone else (observation).  I wonder if it creates a sort of callousness, a shallow affection (thought).  I worry, and also feel disappointed when I start liking your boyfriend and never see him again (feeling).  I hope you’ll make a commitment to a man someday” (need). 

Contaminated message: “I know what your problem is.  You like to get paid, but you don’t like to work.” 

Whole message: “You've been late six times in the last two weeks (observation).  It makes me think that you are trying to work as little as possible (thought).  The lateness irritates me (feeling) and I want you to be late no more than once a month” (need). 

Contaminated message: “I need to go home…another one of those headaches.” 

Whole message: “I've been standing by myself (observation).  You don’t seem to care or draw me into conversation (thought).  I start feeling hurt and angry (feeling).  I want you to involve me in things or I don’t want to be here” (need). 

Exercise: Practicing Whole Messages

Rewrite each statement as a whole message that includes an observation, thought, feeling and need.  

1. Husband to wife: “I see you’re getting uptight again.” This is said in an annoyed voice, covering a certain amount of anxiety and hurt.  The wife has been silent for 30 minutes following the husband’s late arrival home.  
2. Between two lovebirds who are dreaming about kids and marriage: “Should we be talking like this?”  The speaker is anxious that her boyfriend may feel pressured and may withdraw.
3. A man trying to explain to his 14 year old daughter why he quit his job:  “A person runs out of time.  Something just changes in them.”  He was passed over for promotion, he was depressed and fearful of getting older without finding satisfying work. 
4. A man speaking to his boss after being asked how he felt having to work overtime, missing his 10 year olds performance in a school play: “I’m here, aren’t I?”
5. A 16 year old feeling pressured and controlled by her parents after being reminded of final exams coming up: “I know, I know.  You don’t have to tell me.”

Answers listed at the end (so you won't cheat).  

Prayer and Sharing Questions:

1. Thanksgiving:  Thank Jesus for giving us communication as a way to build intimacy and trust in our relationships.  Ask Jesus to show you times where you have built stronger and more intimate relationships because of honest and open communication – thank Him.  
2.  Personal Reflection:  In your marriage (or significant relationship if you are unmarried), what are some of the emotions/feelings that you need to continue working on being more responsible for?  For example, feeling disappointment, unloved, lonely, sad, depressed, anxious, bitter, resentful, helpless, alone, shy, powerless, indifferent, fearful, angry, etc. 
3.  Personal Reflection:  In your significant relationships (marriage, parents, siblings, close friends), how easily can you express genuine and authentic needs? 
4.  Practical Step:  Ask Jesus to speak to you about 1 way that you can apply today’s teaching to your personal life in a practical way. 
5. Commitment Prayer:  Write a prayer to Jesus committing to taking responsibility for your feelings and for expressing your needs in a loving and respectful way.  

Practicing Whole Messages Possible Answers

There are many possible answers here is one example for each.

1. You haven’t said anything since I got home (observation)  and I assume you are angry (thought).  When you withdraw like this I get angry too (feeling).  I’d rather talk about it than do this (need).
2. We’re dreaming about a life together after two weeks of dating (observation).  I'm wondering if this is too soon to talk like this (thought).  I’m worried that one of us may get scare and withdraw (feeling).  Does it feel OK to you to do this (need)?
3. I’d been passed over for a long time and really didn’t like what I was doing anyway (observation).  I don’t think that it’s healthy to grow old someplace doing work you don’t like (thought).  I was getting depressed and wanted to take a chance on finding something that really felt good (feeling).  It’s hard and I need your support (need).
4. I’m missing my ten year old's performance in the school play tonight )observation).  I should be there (thought).  It’s frustrating (feeling). But I do want to be home by 9 (need).
5. You've reminded me four times (observation) and I get the impression you think that I’m stupid or irresponsible (thought).  I feel watched and it makes me angry (feeling).  Let me handle this myself, and we can talk about it if I mess up (need). 

Bibliography:

Messages by Matthew McKay, Martha Davis and Patrick Fanning.

Boundaries Face to Face by Henry Cloud and John Townsend