Expressing Yourself Part Two

Introduction

Theme Verse: Eph. 4:29 (ESV) Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Last week we discussed the importance of being able to express yourself properly.  Specifically, we looked at a strategy for expressing feelings and needs using four components:

• Observations - the facts
• Thoughts - value judgments such as beliefs, opinions, theories, etc.
• Feelings - emotions
• Needs - requests, wants or desires

We looked at the differences between partial or contaminated messages and whole message and discussed how sometimes we only need to state the observation and need. For example, when I take my car in for repairs I tell them that it’s making funny noises and ask them to fix it.  No thoughts or feelings need to be expressed.  But when I am talking about deeper issues, especially when dealing with things that could affect the intimacy and love in my relationships, I need to be careful to use whole messages.  

Today we are going to specially look at the way that we word things in our whole message, to make sure that we are expressing ourselves clearly, while preserving someone’s dignity, choice, freedom and equality as a person. Our Goal is to continue growing healthy relationship where intimacy and love grows, not diminishes.  This is part of loving others the way God commanded (Mark 12:31).  

1. Be Clear about who has the need

Romans 12:10 (ESV) Love one another with brotherly affection. Out do one another in showing honor.

A. Assign the need correctly

Example:  Your husband has been working late many nights in a row and you really need him to be home on time tonight to take over childcare so that you can get your oldest son to his piano lesson on time.  You are frustrated, so you send a quick text message, “You need to be home on time tonight.” This statement confuses who has the need.  He doesn't need to be home on time, you need him to be home on time.  Can you see the difference? 

When you say, “You need to such in such”, you are bossing the other person around and it comes across as controlling.  This is not treating others with respect, dignity and equality.   Being careful to assign need correctly helps to keep the other person engaged in the conversation.  For love and intimacy to grow there must be equality.  When we tell people, “You need to…” we are becoming parental, which kills love and intimacy. 

So, it would be better to say, “I need for you to be home on time tonight so that I can get Billy to his piano lesson on time.” Depending on the health of the relationship, sometimes you only have to say a quick needs statement like that to get what you need in the relationship. 

B. Be Specific!

Don’t say: “You need to be more committed to the family,” or “You need to love me more.”

First, this assigns the need incorrectly. Second, this is vague and not quantifiable.

And don’t say: “I need you to be more committed to the family,” or, “I need more love from you,”

This is assigning the need correctly but it is still vague and not quantifiable.

Use a Whole Message and Say: When you work late repeatedly on days when I need you home to watch the younger kids (observation) it is inconsiderate (thought).  I feel frustrated that I can't count on you being home when I have to take Billy to piano (feeling).  I need you to be home on time when Billy has piano lessons (need).  That would make me feel like you really care, that you love me and are really committed to me and this family. 

C. Don’t project your need on others (Don’t Manipulate)

Example:   The wife is tired and wants to go out for dinner instead of cooking supper, so she says to "You haven’t taken us out for a while,” or, “You probably need a night out to dinner.” 

her husband, “

This is projecting her need on the other person, through manipulation. 

The wife is not taking ownership of her need.  Instead, she is making her need her husband’s need, which is manipulation.  Instead she should say, “I don’t want to cook tonight, I would like to go out for dinner.”  This places the need where it belongs – with the wife.

Another example of this is when you are tired and want to stay home for the night so you say, “Honey, you look so tired and you’ve had such a busy week, you probably could use a night off.”

Don’t tell others how they feel as a way to get what you want. If you want to stay in, just state your need.  When we project our needs onto others like this, we are actually hiding our needs from them and don’t let them into world.  Just say, “Honey, I’m tired and could use the night off.”

D. Be your own person

Just be you and say what YOU feel and what you need.  Share your thought and observations with

others. People who struggle doing this often have problems experiencing themselves as a separate person.  This is a boundaries challenge and can be related to coming from an enmeshed home.  They may not feel comfortable with being an individual. If this is your situation, I would encourage you to take the boundaries seminar and to find inner healing through a Set Free Retreat or personal ministry.

Exercise: Being Clear about My Needs

Using whole messages, clearly state the need using “I” instead of “you”. 

1. Wife to husband: “You haven’t taken a weekend off from work for a while.  You probably could use a weekend off.” This is said after she learns that her favourite band will be in Fargo for an upcoming concert in a few weekends and she really wants to go. 
2. Daughter to aging Mother:  “You wouldn’t want to move into that tiny apartment where there is little light and no garage for your car.”  The daughter is having a hard time with her mother considering moving off the family farm. 
3. Co-worker to co-worker:  “You really need to get down to business and work on that proposal.”  In reality, the proposal is needed for him to finish up a project that must get done before leaving on vacation on Friday. 

Possible Answers:

1. I noticed that my
   
   favorite band is playing in Fargo in a couple of weeks (observation).  I think it would be a fun thing to do as a family (thought).  I feel excited at the idea (feeling) I would really like to go to the concert (need).  Do you mind taking the weekend off and heading there as a family?
2. Mom, the farm has been in the family since before I was born (observation).  It really seems to be something that keeps the family together (thought).  I would feel so sad if I could never come out here anymore (feeling).  I realize that you are getting older and that the farm is becoming too much work, but I need a bit more time to let go and work through my feelings (need). 
3. I have a project that I need to finish up before leaving on vacation on Friday but I cannot finish it until you’re done with the proposal (observation).  I believe that this project should be top priority (thought).  I am getting really anxious about this (feeling).  I need for you to be done with your end by Thursday so I can have Friday to finish it up, before I leave (need). 

  

2. Word Choice

Col. 4:6 (ESV) Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.

Sharing feelings with others explains to someone how their attitudes, or actions influence you and

your feelings.  This creates vulnerability in a relationship, which is an ingredient for love and intimacy to grow. It is important to go into conversations assuming that the other person is a reasonable, kind and loving person and we are taking the opportunity to let them into our hearts by describing a reality that they may not be aware of.  This gives them the benefit of the doubt.  Our choice of words can really say a lot about what is actually going on inside of us.  Being careful with our words is a biblical principle of wisdom.

A. Don’t blame or attack

Psalm 141:3 (ESV) Set a guard, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips. 

As we continue to grow in becoming a better communicator, it is important that we are careful that our feelings statements actually express our feelings and aren’t value judgements (thoughts) which find fault or blame others. We don’t point fingers, accuse, or put things on their yard that belong on our own yard. 

Example:

Don’t use: “When you contradict me, I feel like you don’t care about me” (blame).

Use: “When you contradict me, I feel alone and unloved” (feeling).

B. Take Ownership of your emotions and control them

Tell the person how you feel in a controlled manner, without emotional outburst or meltdowns.  If you cannot control your emotions, then don’t have the conversation until you can.      

Example:

Don’t Use: “You frustrate me….” (and then lace into them with a hundred things).

Use: “When you are constantly late, I feel frustrated and unimportant.”

Avoid the statement, “You make me feel…” Take ownership of your feelings – they belong to you! 

It is true that the other person highly influences you emotionally, but they are not responsible for your feelings.  You are! 

C. Don’t substitute thoughts for feelings

Example: 

Don’t use: “When you contradict me, I feel like I shouldn't say anything” (thought – opinion or belief, not a true feeling).

Use: “When you contradict me, I feel hurt and disconnected” (feeling).

Knowing what you feel is not a natural ability and it may take a little work. Know the difference between sad, hurt, angry, frustrated, afraid, anxious, etc. In order to take a discussion to a higher level of intimacy, we must be clear about the feelings that we feel, which can be harder than you may initially think. 

D. Know when you are being oversensitive

Your emotions belong to you and you may need to admit when you are oversensitive so that not all the weight falls on the other person.

Example:

Use: I know sometimes I get hurt to easily, and that’s not you, that’s me.  But when you contradicted me last night, I really felt alone, unimportant and unloved.”

Exercise: Word Choice

Re-write the statements using healthier word choice.  Use whole messages as necessary. 

1. Sisters to each other:  “You are so inconsiderate of me in front of our friends.”
2. Mother to child:   “You are so rude when you interrupt me when I am on the phone.”
3. Wife to Husband: “You promised six months ago to fix the fence.  Why can’t you follow through on what you have promised me?”

Possible Answers:

1. Often when we go out with friends I am ignored and teased (observation).  I don’t think that’s a very nice way to treat somebody (thought).   When you do this, I feel annoyed and irritated (feeling).  Please stop ignoring my ideas and teasing me in public (need).
2. Often when I am on the phone I am interrupted (observation).  I don’t think that this is using manners (thought).  I need for you to give me the signal, and then wait patiently until I’m ready to speak to you (need).  Note – personally, I would not use a feeling statement here because the child could feel emotionally manipulated. 
3. The fence has been broken for over six months and I was promised that it would be fixed by now (observation).  I think that promises should be kept (thought).  I need you to fix the fence within the next two weeks or I will call a handyman to do it (need).  Note – personally, I would not use a feeling statement here either, as it could also feel like emotional manipulation. 

Conclusion

KEY POINT: Good relationships preserve someone’s dignity, choice, freedom and equality as a person.

KEY POINT: In healthy relationships people speak in such a way that intimacy and love grows, not diminishes. 

Prayer and Journaling Questions

1. Thanksgiving: Thank Jesus for how He always treats you with respect and shows perfect love towards you.  Ask Him to show you one instance of His love in the last week or so.  Thank Him for this. 
2. Ask Jesus to show you one area where you are doing well in the area of communication and the tongue.
3. Ask Jesus for one area where you can work on improving in your communication/tongue, in the next week.
4. Thank Jesus for walking with you, for not dropping the ball on you, but helping you navigate and twists and turns of life.  Etc. 

Bibliography:

Messages by Matthew McKay, Martha Davis and Patrick Fanning.

Boundaries Face to Face by Henry Cloud and John Townsend